about this time last year i was making major life changes. left my marriage, my home, and fled to my hometown with my two daughters. went from pregnant to not pregnant. went from severely depressed to starting over. left the abusive man. my patterns repeat themselves with him and have for 12 years. i am not myself with him. i am a nodding, pleading, bitchy, needy former shadow of myself when i am with him. i wont get into why i stayed for so long. i still dont know.
fast forward to now.
i am still living in my apt. i got a job as a retail counter makeup bitch and words cannot express how much i loathe it. the reason: i am an artist and not a salesperson. period.
last november, the man came back. i let him. i let him because he said he would go to counseling (he did) and go on meds (he did and then went off) and frankly, i didnt know how to be a single mom. i let the idea of having someone else in the house to help me with my girls be the motivator.
i had to lie to my entire family that he was here.
i was ashamed that i couldnt do it on my own.
i became quickly and swiftly so depressed because i was living a lie.
all of a sudden we were doing exactly what we were doing the first 12 years.
i had a constant voice inside telling me that to stay would mean instant death, if not literally then in every other way, including my parenting, art, and soul.
its like i became the proverbial abused rabbit in the head lights.
did he improve? he did.
was it enough?
it was not.
now that i have put my foot down and told him to leave (again) he is resorting to old ugly ways.
i contemplate the restraining order before it gets bad.
i think to myself, am i the person who needs a fucking RESTRAINING ORDER?!?!?!!
i should have never left portland. as he was telling me how california would be so much better, i knew it wasnt what i wanted to do and that i would be back.
i have women there, women who will be my family women who have children.
honestly, i love my kids, but raising them alone is unnatural.
im not cut out from it. too emotional. too sensitive. too..... ?????? sad????
i basically split from myself and tried to pick up the pieces while he was still here. i realized i couldnt. i realized the only opinion that mattered about my life and me was mine.
i gained 15 pounds of sadness upon his arrival. i lost 5 in five days since his departure.
im living in the track home-mcmansion-strip mall- psuedo desert that this part of southern california has become. im not really in my beach hometown because i cannot afford to live there.
actually, i cannot afford to live anywhere else here, except for place i dont want to live. ummm, no thanks garden grove.
so. i think to myself, how do i bloom? be a better mom? artist? how do i create and live an authentice life? one that i love? i got rid of the netflix, and saw a difference in my kids overnight.
i am starting to speak my dreams out loud:
no interest in beauty makeup unless it is with healthy makeup, good for skin and planet.
love movies. i can do student films. they only last a few weeks.
im good at injuries and wounds and stuff like that.
paint more. im almost done with this painting and i cant wait to start on BIGGER canvasses.
to stop dreaming is death for me. i need to pursue my art and creativity. its the only way. i know because i have tried everything else and that always leads to a sad and fat and depressed and negative me. in the corner weeping. in the corner observing and resentfully knowing that my life was bullshit.
i only have this one life with my kids. i feel like ive fucked em up enough, showing them the model of me and their dad. the least i can do is find my happiness so they know its ok to find theirs.
im going to speak with a lawyer this week. instead of trumpeting from the towers how over it is, since ive been doing that for 12 years on and off, im just going to quitely go about what i know i need to do.
i feel like i need to write a handbook:
"how to stay and not stay in a fucked up relationship" by lila.
warm blessings to all of you for letting me find space and community here. thankful for it.