Been resting and healing from my colposcopy. I mean, of course I had to go right back to work the day after, because my life kinda sucks in that way, but I actually backed out of a show last night because I was just too tired. I probably could have not worked on Thurs and Fri, but I need the money, well whatever. And I was reading a section of "Women Who Run with the Wolves" yesterday, and I got to thinking about how willing I have been to toss aside everything I've worked for on the hopes of having a companion. It's like, the minute I meet a guy, I'm thinking about how I'm going to change myself so that I will be the person he wants me to be. This is ingrained in us as women, as surely as the boys are taught not to feel their emotions (thanks to Madame Filth for that earlier discussion). Here's a link to another blogger's thoughts about this story: http://www.3thirds.com/wolves.html (scroll down a bit to find this particular story). So, I'm looking around my house today, seeing it not from the eyes of what needs to be changed to make a guy like me more (my dog is wagging his tail in his sleep as I write this part, LOL), but from the point of view that this house represents a certain kind of accomplishment, a certain expression of my creativity--and the collective creativity of my daughters and me. And I can see a couple of things: a) I can see how keeping it kinda cluttered and unfinished creates a situation where I always have an excuse (must clean and straighten up) not to do the things I really like, and b) it only really looks cluttered and unfinished to ME. Anyone else walking in my house doesn't see how I'm just on the verge of straightening up that stack of records, they see the records as they are. And anyone who comes and passes judgement on my house, like passing judgement on my life is neither seeing my house the way it is, nor seeing it the way I want it to be. And I have been very quick to try to change my house or myself to suit someone else's tastes, when, if they can't see the house the way it is, and they can't see what I'm trying to do in the house, then they don't get my personal aesthetic, anyway.
So, armed with this glimmer of information, I'm looking at my house no longer in terms of what other people might find appealing, but what I like, and what will be most conducive to creative output.
That's the house.
I'm also looking at my creative output. I have been unhappy with it for a while, but I have not been sure why. I'm still not sure, but I think it might be because, once again, I've been trying too hard to make something that I imagine someone else might like. Been a little too reliant on gimmick or schtick, rather than taking the idea all the way to the end, I've been willing to stop and throw something silly at it to make it easier and more palatable.
Oh, I mean, I know it, I know when I'm on the thread of creativity that's going to make something really interesting and a full expression of an idea, because I find myself straightening up a cluttered desk that I never really use. Instead of doing a creation that satisfies my soul.
Hmmm. Just thoughts.