Great info! ... printing it out as I type this.
I'm working on a degree in social work, so I'm sure this will be an invaluable reference as well.
Thank you !!

I agree, this womyn just doesn't have the tools. She is the most unprofessional person I have ever met. Unfortunately, my DON (her boss, my boss) is as equally unprofessional and is probably modeling most of this behavior for her. Ick Ick Ick.

ETA: this is in response to Velma- I just popped it in the wrong spot and don't have the energy to fix it.

She may or may not have the tools, she may be unprofessional and so forth, but at the end of the day that has nothing to do with how you allow her or your boss to disrespect you in the workplace. When you go along with stuff like this it is like you're giving tacit approval, like you feel this is an ok company culture to go along with.

In my experience with people like this this, it's best to stay calm, speak calmly but in a slightly louder tone than regular speech, look them directly in the eye while maintaining a pleasant expression/slight smile. Repeat until the offending behavior has stopped, for example if after you state 'Please take me off speaker phone' and she does not, do not go further into the conversation until she does. here are more ideas:
http://www.hodu.com/self-ful.shtml

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Wherever there is a human being there is an opportunity for kindness. ~Seneca

Merc, thanks for this! I really like this no-nonsense/ compassionate way of being assertive. I've bookmarked this site. Thank you!

i agree with velma - in this particular case, this lady is a unprofessional goat fuck.

i'm so tired, right now, i can only think of the word "goat fuck".

she's not only unprofessional, but she's also burnt out and very unhappy/mean and probably stupid.

two suggestions:

1. the mirroring effect - a scorpio tradition~! when people act foolish, i can simultaniously mirror them and communicate what i need, etc. it helps to get them to face/deal with their personality issues, etc. especially if i don't like them!

personal note: it's best not to waste time on the emotional front with these types. it doesn't hurt YOU to put your emotions on the line for these folks to see, but they rarely give you the proper response or consideration back that you deserve.

(if they did, you wouldn't be upset or angry in the first place).

2. communication with these types has to be brief and to the point. it helps to put words in their mouth. if you have to announce who you are everytime, try this instead:

"it's still elisssa" or "yes, it's me elissa", or my personal favorite: "I'm still elissa, right?".

the speaker phone - i would just ask her to immediately take you off of speaker phone. i might even preface the conversation with: "everytime i call, it's so loud, i can't hear you".

my communication style with numnbut's:

i can predict their behavior, and sometimes i literally push them off, case in point:

this week has been hardcore - lot's of energy flying and people on edge.

a crazy woman who telecommutes was evesdropping on one of my conversations with a co-worker, bobbi. it had nothing to do with her, and she's notorious for doing it to EVERYONE. i'm discussing moving options with bobbi, and good ol' nutter comes up with a nasty stuffed fish. the history of the fish is frightening, but the long story short is that it was in storage for 10 years and chock full of dust mites.

i'm midsentence and i see her coming out of the corner of my eye. she literally comes up to me and as i'm speaking and brushes the fish against my cheek. mind you, i'm in masculine mode getting work done that nobody wants to do, and this freak is acting up.

why did she do this? my energy had shifted, i'm sure the tension in the air had risen, and she's not savvy enough to tell the difference between "masculine mode/serious business" and "stress". for whatever reason she thought it would "help" difuse the situation by touching my face with a fish! ridiculous!

i got pissed and told her: "you need to stop" and pointed at her. she got upset and walked away.

she later came to me, i kid you not, with red rimmed eyes, holding back tears. she immediatelyl went on a tangent and i had to literally put my hand up. she said: "christy are you okay?". i turned it around on her and asked her the same thing, i was firm and told her that it was rude of her to brush something on my face mid sentence, i reminded her that she came up to ME and did it. she tried to say that "i seemed really stresssed out", i flipped the script and told her that she was the one stressed, coming up on the verge of tears. i was just handling the job that was pushed onto me as best as i could and that was it.

she was still upset, apologized and walked away. i later saw her before she was leaving, and she was still on the verge of tears and i had to put my hand up again on her and said: "i'm sorry i can't help you, have a great night".

what does this mean? even when you do your best and you're crystal clear, someone can still opt to act a fool.

i think you're an excellent communicator, hands down. you can choose to be more direct and it may or may not make a difference in the outcome, that usually depends on who you're talking too.

you can feel better about it, though EVERYTIME, and that might be be your best defense/tool when dealing with tards. you know that i also use my breathing techniques when someone tries to psychically dump their unwanted energy on me, use me to hold their anxiety, etc.

did this help?

i hope so!

your friend,

christy x/dc

code name: cassiopeia

Oh yes, this is what I need. I think it's the style I need to practice. I tend to come from an emotional place and this womyn just doesn't have the heart.
Thanks!

it's hard, i've been working on this one myself for at least a year and half now. things will fall into place, it just takes practice.

and to be perfectly honest, sometimes you just have to dodge the bullet. they fire and you deal, but the reality is that it hurts to get hit. so duck/turn the corner, until you feel like you can come up with the right way to deal with it.

i use the duck method, it's not a big deal. there are some situations that are better left untouched. i can't help that person, and they won't listen, etc.

why are people ashamed to talk about this?

i ALWAYS choose to avoid a nasty or bitter/projected run in with someone, ALWAYS.

nobody wants to hit these fools head on, but you can learn to process it differently.

keep going, you're not afraid to try new things and find new ways of handling situations.

this not only takes great courage, but an expanded mind!

i'm proud of you - you can do it!

love,

c.

dc

code name: cassiopeia