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Sisters gotta watch out for each other. Right?Submitted by vkitty17 on Mon, 09/01/2008 - 6:52pm.
Okay, I need some advice. My new hubby of just a few week's best friend, who was also the best man at our wedding, moved back into town. Out of love, kindness, and togetherness we invited him over to our house for grilled meats and beer. All was fine and dandy until all the guests but the three of us (Mitch, Jerkass, and myself) remained. Mitch went into the bathroom, which left Jerkass and I alone on the porch. We were talking about something, I can't remember what, when Jerkass leaned in real close and said "Do you want to be kiss right now?" to which I replied "Yeah, but Mitch is inside!", meaning I wanted to kiss Mitch, but he was inside. I think he misunderstood. "I don't care where Mitch is, do you want to be kissed right now?" "Yes," I said. "But the person I want to kiss, being Mitch, is inside." Then we argued, I yelled at him for being a jerkass, he tried to explain himself but was an ass about it, when Mitch, who had heard the whole thing, came outside and kicked him out. We called him a cab. He tried to talk himself out of what had happened, but you can't lie you know? Not to mention that I had to physically keep Jerkass from beating up my poor sweet hubby! Jerkass apparently won't hit a girl, but it wouldn't matter anyway because I'm stronger than he is Okay, so here's the thing: Jerkass is married with two kids. I feel completely violated and objectified in a way that haven't quite felt before. I mean, did he think I was some new toy Mitch got that he could come over and play with? Wtf? Also, I feel bad for his wife. If my husband was going around trying to kiss other guy's wives, I would want to know about it. I think as women, we need to stick together and protect ourselves from this sort of treatment. So I need to get over this, and I really really want to call his wife and tell her what happened. I feel that she needs to know because I just can't stand the thought of this woman being totally duped by her husband. And I think it might make me feel better to know that this guy can't just get off scott free for what he's done. I mean, he showed a HUGE disrespect towards his supposed best friend, towards me, towards his wife and children, and towards himself. The cops almost got called and he could have lost his job (he works for the city)! I'm so angry that he gets to do this to us and to me, and just get away with it! But Mitch doesn't want me to call her. He's afraid of Jerkass, and has been for over ten years. I think he's afraid of some sort of retaliation. But I just think Mitch has little to worry about, you know? What's he going to do? Send him some nasty emails? Delete them. He could never bring him physical harm because he will lose his job with the city and be blacklisted with all other cities. Tell his mom? Pah-lease. What do I do, mamas? Do I call this woman and let her know what Jerkass her husband is, though it could potentially ruin their marriage and make Mitch afraid? I'm just saying, I would want to know. And I don't think we can live in fear of some douchebag, you know? He's just a drunk asshole. But needless to say, he and Mitch are no longer friends. He even un-friended the both of us from myspace, like we were the ones that did something wrong! I think I've decided that calling her would just be me being vindictive. And writing him a message would do no good, because he either knows what he did and it's already on his conscience, or he doesn't know, in which case there would be nothing I can say that would make him understand the severity of the issue. I mean, Mitch lost his best friend of 13 years, I was violated, he could have lost his family and his job over this. So I think the best thing for me to do, because I feel like doing SOMETHING, is to just publicly blog about it. My personal blog is too classy for this shit, so you'll see it over on myspace as soon as I get a chance to go sit down and do it. Thanks, chicas! That he went straight home and told her some lies about you to cover his own ass. And yes, anything you say to her about it is only going to be seen as vindictiveness. She probably won't believe you because her man probably said it was you attacking him and maybe Mitch was even in on it. And now he's just so injured he can't believe his BFF would ever do such a thing, blahblahblah. It's shitty that this went down. Probably for the best it went down like this though, nobody actually got hurt physically. Hopefully the hurt will die down soon. and that jerkass is such a jerkass. i'm a little non-plussed, though, on how he can be your dh's best friend if dh has been scared of him for ten years? that doesn't sound friendly to me. as for telling jerkass's wife, i wouldn't 'cuz she'll find a way to make it your fault, and you don't need anymore grief, imho. just my $0.02.
"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu dragon knows dragon I don't know what the fuck is up with guys like this, seriously! This happened to my mom right after she married my dad, this has happened to me with two of DH's close friends; and another of them is always trying to hug me. Is this the same friend who's wife is totally bitchy to you? Maybe this has something to do with it. Maybe she's bitchy because she knows her man has a wandering eye and would sleep with you at the first opportunity. But that's no excuse. I've come to realize that you do and say things when you're drunk that you wish you could do or say when you are sober but don't have the guts. And he can lust after his best friend's wife all he wants, you can't control how you feel, it's okay. But you ARE responsible for how you act, you know? So putting the moves on her is way different from just feeling a tingle in your pants. And yeah, this is the one with bitch-ass wife. I don't like her, and she doesn't like me. But you know what? She's still a human being, and she's a member of my gender, and I can't stand that she's being treated this way by her husband and doesn't even know, regardless of how I feel about her personally, you know? Wait on it till you're calm. In the meantime, think about this: maybe she will blame you (I know, it's twisted, but it happens!). And anyway, YOU'RE the one who was objectified, you were the one who was leered at, you are the one who got hurt. It's sometimes easier to turn one's own pain and anger and frustration into "saving" someone else. But, you were the one who needed to be saved, and I wish that I, personally, had been there to ram my steel toed boots into jerkass' crotch on your behalf! "Harold loves Maude. Oh, and Maude loves Harold!" I have had plenty of experience with men forcing themselves on me. Even back to when I was six and I was molested by a drinking buddy of my dad's. Gross me out. So anytime something like this, and including this, happens, it forces me to feel things that I have been trying for 24 years not to feel. I feel like to tiny little injured girl, and I've always felt powerless that that man and other men after him got away with it with no repercussions whatsoever. Maybe I would feel better if, instead of contacting his wife, I messaged Jerkass himself and told him exactly how I feel. I wonder if that would give the power back to me, or if it would make things worse? I feel like if I don't take care of this now it will keep happening. |
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Are you planning on spending time with them in the future? If he is your hubby's best friend and was his best man, I am assuming he and his wife were planning on being parts of your lives. My opinion is to be honest with her now, and get it in the open. He screwed up, not you, not your husband. He needs to face up to it. Not only did he objectify you and betrayed his friend, but he freaked out afterwards and got physical. You don't owe him anything.
I don't know if you should call her necessarily to tell on him, even though I can see why you'd want to. But, I think an explanation why you all aren't going to be super chummy in the future will probably be expected. I dunno, though, I had a good friend screw me over in a similar but more colorful way, and her then husband didn't think twice when I stopped hanging out with no explanation. I wimped out and never told him that she slept with my husband.
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