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More woe is me(thanks for all your patience)Submitted by urbanearthmama on Sun, 08/31/2008 - 7:10pm.
What if we kept the baby? Would that be wrong? would it be selfish? urbanearthmama's blog | login or register to post comments | email this page | printer friendly version
right or wrong decision. I have a couple friends here with 4 & they love it! Could you work it out? I mean with work, school, house, car? When I am trying to make a decision, I usually don't ask myself which thing I want...because usually the answer is BOTH...I ask myself, if I do A, might I regret it. If I do B, might I regret it. That gives me the answer that is in my heart instead of my confused head. That answer I can't deny or stuff down. As others have said, there is no right or wrong. That said, if it were me, I would keep it. I think if you have a doubt about not keeping it, you should keep it. There is never enough money, space, time, etc. Fact of the matter is you'll make it work. Even when it is hard/expensive/consuming, you'll make it work. The whole concept of reproduction is selfish, that's kind of the point! And as mamas, we could do a lot worse than be selfish. I understand your point about being worried that a new baby will take away your time/resources from your other children, but the beauty of children is that they come with their own gifts - who knows what this baby has to offer to your other children, or what it will teach you about mothering that your other children haven't. You can't possibly imagine all the outcomes or tally up the final sum. No one can. And since you asked: for all of the reasons all the other mama's have given so far, if it were me, I would keep it. So what if the church women whisper, so what if you all sleep in one big bed. Life isn't neat or pretty and those that pretend it is are missing the party (and yes, the hangover the next day). But a baby hangover is the very best kind if you ask me. No matter what, I understand that this is such a tough choice and I wish you so much love in the coming weeks. For all my talk of not wanting any more no way no how I know if they called me tomorrow I'd probably end up saying yes. In all honesty, I would keep the baby. And then I'd insist on my dh getting a vasectomy. Or, I'd get my tubes tied if he refused. I personally would have a hard time terminating a pregnancy. I would have to have absolutely NO doubt about it whatsoever to do it. If there was an ounce of doubt in me about terminating, I'd have the baby. If I was absolutely certain about terminating, it wouldn't be a problem because I would know it was the best thing to do. Its that uncertainty that would make me want to keep instead of not keep. I'm kinda wild like that. Give me the crazy, hard, unknown but filled with love over the safe and protective and *possibly* filled with regret. I'm not going to give you any advice. This is how I would feel if I had an oops! baby. "We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful. It's that women are strong." - Laura Stavoe Harm I wouldn't suggest not having a baby because of money, so lets start there. A lot can change in a few years, so adding on to the house is and isn't an issue - I don't know how many bedrooms you have or what your policies on bedroom sharing are. The whole "have your own room" thing is a pretty modern idea, and not totally necessary for survival or happiness, though at a certain age it probably helps. A new car I understand - only so many carseats/boosters/people can fit in a vehicle. But we have a great 1993 van that was pretty cheap, gets good miles(for that kind of thing) and seats 7 people (carseats or no), so I know it's possible to find something ok out there without spending a ton that can fit your family. I think your family would find a way to work just fine, hard times, good times, times. It sounds like (from recent posts) you really want the baby, so I would say to have it for sure. on the other hand it would be another big adjustment to life and lifestyle. If it were me I would do it for sure. I am not a rational person, nor wealthy, so there's that. I think if you want the baby you should have it, I would be really uncomfortable suggesting you not keep it, since you seem to want it. Plus you seem pretty happy with three kids, and one more kid is one more kid. If people say stuff tell them that you are hoping to have twenty. Or kick them in the shin. I guess I do want to keep it and I feel so selfish! (a line that a pro-lifer would find amusing, no doubt). Plus, and this is so self-centered, I picture all those people who already find three children appaling making their nasty comments. "Some hidden secret part of me is positively giddy with joy" "I get this feeling DH is just waiting for me to say ok" It is a big decision, no doubt. Your words carry alot of clues about what you want to do. If you want this baby, the math problems will work out. You will find a way. No question, you'll have to make changes to your plans. Maybe some things will be a lot more difficult. But things will be difficult if you ignore your feelings and terminate and then live with the regret, too. Sending you hugs. P.S. My grandmother was 110% Irish, and she had seven boys. Sorry I have been so crass on here lately, first I have dr. phil is an asswipe and now this. But seriously, it just steams me that anyone could make you feel bad for having a great crew of beautiful children. Where is all of this hate coming from? You won't ruin anyone's life. I think that having more siblings would just add to your kids' experience. For example, now that A is older, she will be able to observe first hand how you act with a new baby, how you care for a new baby, etc and be able to take what she is learning from you to her own childbearing experience if/when the time comes. That's just one of many benefits in addition to having another cool soul to be on their side throughout life. I've been reading all of your posts on this and it does seem like you want this baby but that you are worried about a lot of the other (major) considerations. Money has a funny way of working itself out. Getting a new car (and a bigger one when gas is *still* 4 bucks a gallon) does sound daunting...and there is the house -- but there are solutions there too (you could have your oldest sleep in a tent, for example -- just kidding, but it sounds like something you can figure out -- I remember when we were kids, my dad built a partition for my brothers' room, so that they had two rooms and a lot of privacy -- would something like this work temporarily?) Whatever you decide to do, we'll be here to support you. Hang in there. I highly doubt having a baby is going to ruin any of your lives. Has it yet? Certainly it's changed your lives in unexpected and immeasurable ways but I doubt it's ruined any of you. It's hella hard. I only have two and I shudder at the thought of having another one any time soon but if I ended up pregnant I don't think it would ruin my life or that of my girls or DH. In fact I got pregnant with Baby K much, much sooner than I wanted to and though it's been a really difficult transition for me and Dee and DH in many ways I cannot think of not having had her. She has brought so much joy and peace to our lives. She is so very different from Dee in every way, I could never have known how she would enrich our lives. This is my experience though and I can't know what your family situation is or how it will play out for you. I can say that if you have any doubts, termination is probably a baaaad idea. I had none and I still feel sadness (though no remorse) for having to make that decision. much love and hugs to you. That said, have you asked the kids how they would feel if you had another baby? I think the two older ones could probably give you a clear answer, especially since they know what the deal is about having another one since the youngest is pretty new. p.s. I don't think it's selfish to have another baby. As mothers we sacrifice a hell of a lot for our children. We have to be very unselfish most of the time.
I can't predict the future or anything but I doubt this baby will ruin your life, or your husband's life, or your other babies' lives. If you choose to continue the pregnancy you would be doing the right thing for you. It would not be wrong or selfish of you. It will be hard the first few years but time passes...babies grow up, and things get easier. Don't worry about the naysayers...if you want to have this baby, that is not only you and your husband's business, it is your right. my mama blog It seems to me that you really really really don't want to terminate this pregnancy, mama. If you do terminate now, it's likely that you will deeply regret it and find yourself pregnant again within a year...I have seen that happen over and over with other women. If you want to have this baby, it really does not matter if you have a thousand cons. All you need is one pro. I hear you on your situation though, you have a lot to think about. This baby means changing/adjusting your life plans, for sure. (((hugs))) my mama blog I don't know. Lots of vibes! There is no decision that could be wrong or right in this situation. Only what is wrong or right for you. Whatever you decide will be the right thing because you will make it right. I can tell you what i think i would lean towards, but i won't because i have no idea what it means to be living your life and how having another baby would change that, only you and dh can make that call. Nothing i can say should mean anything to you. |
If I had ever waited until the sensible time to have children; I would have no children. If I had waited until I had the right kind of house and the right amount of money, I would be living alone.
Things tend to work themselves out.