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Trying to keep a brave face.Submitted by lunarmama on Wed, 08/27/2008 - 2:39am.
But I give up. Neither of my kids will sleep. I had to go view a house by myself today with the kids (this is not the first time), near naptime. Dee did remarkably well but Baby K wouldn't sleep when we got home so no nap for me(I think I drank too much coffee this morning which kept her up but i was beat). My babysitter flaked on one appointment I had but had the kids for an hour this morning while I went to physical therapy (have a "carrying two freaking kids around all the time" injury to my neck and back, woo!). I had had nothing but yogurt and muffins and coffee all day. I feel like ass and I'm angry. Really, really angry. Angry at my husband for not being more with it, angry at the universe for throwing more shit at me when I was already exhausted, angry at my landlords for being dicks, angry at my kids for not sleeping and being so damn clingy, angry at my babysitter for not being consistent, angry because I don't have anyone to help me or anyone to talk to (I completely blathered for an hour to one of my "bosses" at the coop last night until her eyes glazed over, she was nice about it bit how freaking sad is that?) I'm just angry. I don't want to put on the brave face anymore. I want to SLEEP. I want to eat good food. I don't want my house to look like a fucking tornado hit it. i'd like the dishes not to breed fruit flies. I'd like my husband to be stronger than he is. None of this is going to happen. So for now I guess I'll just work on being less angry. hahahahaha. Wish me luck. lm aw that sucks. the clingyness puts me over the edge too. especially when running errands too. i hope you find a house! the clutter you just have to live with... "a messy house is the sign of a loved child" heheh, someone told me that & I'm sticking to it
but i hope the kids sleep well tonight for you so you can crash for a while. have sweet dreams about your new mansion!! and from your most recent post is sounds like you are feeling a bit better. I just wanted to add my voice of encouragement for you. I have been in your shoes. My guys are a bit older now, 31/2 and 41/2 years old now so things have gotten easier. BUT - what you are doing would bring anyone to their knees. Raising two small children is exhausting and when you are sleep deprived insanity feels very close indeed. I understand the brave face...what else can you do sometimes since the alternative is pretty unthinkable. This was the hardest thing I have ever done, raising my boys, but it has gotten eaiser. I actually get some sleep now and you will too. You just have to get through it and try not to let your pride or whatever keep you from accepting help ANY chance you get. I wish I were closer so I could help and commiserate more often. We are all holdin you up and sending you any strength we can spare... The heart has its reasons whereof Reason knows nothing. This is one of those times I wish all of us hipmamas lived in the same place!!!! We'd SO all be over to help out. (although I have the fruit flies/tornado hit the house too so I couldn't be in charge of cleaning!!!!) I hope things look up soon. And hell, anger can be transformative too. (or so I've been told, I've never quite figured out HOW to do that myself...) Anyway-- VIBES, lunarmama!!!!!!! Fruit flies always put me over the edge. ARGH!!! If I could, I'd come over there and help you out, take your kids and do your dishes and slap your DH upside the head. Consider those my vibes. Hang in there. Lunar Mama, we have all felt those stresses overwhelming us at one point. Those are the days when, if someone took the time to look into our eyes they would know we were just about to bend in two. Those are the days that if they felt inclined and put their arms around us, we would just cry and cry and cry. I know, I have those days all the time. So, wherever it is you are, know that if I could I would give you a great big hug and let you do just that. <3B and then some! sounds like you are going to need some serious destressing! like a few days away from the fam, as soon as you can pull it off. trust me I am planning one myself, and its the only way I think I will ever be able to put things back into perspective. we've got to let love rule I think fruit flies are the new bees. "Harold loves Maude. Oh, and Maude loves Harold!" Oh, Lunar. *sigh* We all get those days, for sure, but for some reason I have more empathy for you when you have them! Probably with the recent international move and all. And I know you and LunarMan have had many a discussion about these matters, which I'd imagine is really frustrating. *sigh* Vibes for a peaceful situation outside and a peaceful outlook inside. 24/MN. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD1. For the wind to shift and the shit to stop hitting the fan.... Sunflower the unflower |
I'd be ready to blow, too. Actually, I'd have already blown. Stay strong, it'll be over soon!