...as I have none to give. My friend is 29, married, living in a blended family. She has 2 children from a previous relationship; her husband has 1 child from his last marriage. They've been together for a little over 2 years. Friend's boys live with her and the husband full time, and the husband's son comes up to stay in summers only.

The thing is she cannot stand her husband's kid. She called me last night, crying, worried that she is a horrible person for not loving this child. She wondered what kind of monster she was...and I told her, love is not always instantaneous. It takes time to build a relationship with your own children, and when you have limited contact with your stepchild, it makes it harder to foster that relationship. That seemed to make her feel better, but when she needed tips for coping right now, I was at a loss. I don't have stepkids, so I have no idea what to say. With her permission, I'm blogging this so that we can get some ideas.

Here's the scenario: stepson's (SS) mom is has a completely different form of discipline than she does. Mom is a lot more "relaxed"; there is very little structure at her house, because there, he is an only child. The first couple of weeks he was with them, of course, have to be an "adjustment period", where he has time to learn the rules and have them explained. Stepson is an ok kid...distant, kinda withdrawn where she is concerned, but I think that's normal for a child of 7, especially after a divorce at 4. He is showing some behaviors that are crying for attention: constant need to be held and cuddled by her DH; SS still wants to be in bed with them at night, even though her children no longer sleep with her (they're 5 and 4); SS HAD to watch TV when he came down, because that's how Mom puts him to sleep...he has a nasty soda habit (3-4 cans a day) becuase "that's what he drinks at mom's house"; he screams and cries when there's no Mountain Dew ( they don't give in to it; soda isn't allowed at her house, period)...he lacks the manners she's trying to instill in her boys (which, in his defense, cannot be taught just 2-3 months a year when he's there, but are good to learn anyway).

It's a struggle, always a constant fight, and she's starting to resent it (her words, not mine). She has tried talking to Mom and to her DH about changing the soda / TV habits...but there's one more thing: SS has had problems still wetting himself at school. Mom had bladder control issues as a child, so she assumed that SS had the same thing. The child peed on himself 8 times during his school year (mind you, he is going into second grade). She worried, but never asked why; she took him to a urologist, where he was given a clean bill of health; no bladder control issues. The child keeps getting UTIs, so my friend asked him a simple question, "Do you know when you have to go to the bathroom"?

His reply: "Yeah, I do."

"So why don't you go?"

"I like it when Mama brings me a new change of clothes. I like it when I have to go the school nurse."

She has asked to have SS put into counseling so that he can better deal with all the changes he's gone through. Mom is ADAMENT that it doesn't happen. She flipped out and threatened to not let SS come back here again if he steps into a shrink's office.

I have seen this child in action. He can be very sweet, but he is very good at manipulation. My friend wonders if he capable of manipulating Mom into bringing him clothing changes, if he is capable of understanding that thought process NOW, then what will life be like when he's 13?

I know this is a lot of information, but I feel so BAD for her.

Please advise.