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Seeking StepChild Advise...Long, but DesperateSubmitted by Resolution on Wed, 07/30/2008 - 4:31pm.
...as I have none to give. My friend is 29, married, living in a blended family. She has 2 children from a previous relationship; her husband has 1 child from his last marriage. They've been together for a little over 2 years. Friend's boys live with her and the husband full time, and the husband's son comes up to stay in summers only. The thing is she cannot stand her husband's kid. She called me last night, crying, worried that she is a horrible person for not loving this child. She wondered what kind of monster she was...and I told her, love is not always instantaneous. It takes time to build a relationship with your own children, and when you have limited contact with your stepchild, it makes it harder to foster that relationship. That seemed to make her feel better, but when she needed tips for coping right now, I was at a loss. I don't have stepkids, so I have no idea what to say. With her permission, I'm blogging this so that we can get some ideas. Here's the scenario: stepson's (SS) mom is has a completely different form of discipline than she does. Mom is a lot more "relaxed"; there is very little structure at her house, because there, he is an only child. The first couple of weeks he was with them, of course, have to be an "adjustment period", where he has time to learn the rules and have them explained. Stepson is an ok kid...distant, kinda withdrawn where she is concerned, but I think that's normal for a child of 7, especially after a divorce at 4. He is showing some behaviors that are crying for attention: constant need to be held and cuddled by her DH; SS still wants to be in bed with them at night, even though her children no longer sleep with her (they're 5 and 4); SS HAD to watch TV when he came down, because that's how Mom puts him to sleep...he has a nasty soda habit (3-4 cans a day) becuase "that's what he drinks at mom's house"; he screams and cries when there's no Mountain Dew ( they don't give in to it; soda isn't allowed at her house, period)...he lacks the manners she's trying to instill in her boys (which, in his defense, cannot be taught just 2-3 months a year when he's there, but are good to learn anyway). It's a struggle, always a constant fight, and she's starting to resent it (her words, not mine). She has tried talking to Mom and to her DH about changing the soda / TV habits...but there's one more thing: SS has had problems still wetting himself at school. Mom had bladder control issues as a child, so she assumed that SS had the same thing. The child peed on himself 8 times during his school year (mind you, he is going into second grade). She worried, but never asked why; she took him to a urologist, where he was given a clean bill of health; no bladder control issues. The child keeps getting UTIs, so my friend asked him a simple question, "Do you know when you have to go to the bathroom"? His reply: "Yeah, I do." "So why don't you go?" "I like it when Mama brings me a new change of clothes. I like it when I have to go the school nurse." She has asked to have SS put into counseling so that he can better deal with all the changes he's gone through. Mom is ADAMENT that it doesn't happen. She flipped out and threatened to not let SS come back here again if he steps into a shrink's office. I have seen this child in action. He can be very sweet, but he is very good at manipulation. My friend wonders if he capable of manipulating Mom into bringing him clothing changes, if he is capable of understanding that thought process NOW, then what will life be like when he's 13? I know this is a lot of information, but I feel so BAD for her. Please advise. I could have written this post a few years ago, in fact, I did! Multiple times. Some of the older mamas here probably remember my angst filled posts that sounded suspiciously similar to this one. I see that so many of the other mamas have given you some awesome advice. I have to reiterate what Dahlia said -- some children with different learning styles (like one of my stepsons) are really chilled out by caffeine. I used to DREAD summers - I would seriously cry thinking about them -- as one of my SS's was unbelievably difficult to deal with around age 11. And truth be told, I didn't even like the kid most of the time - the idea that he would eventually grow into one of my favorite people ever would have never occured to me. There is so little good information about blended families I liked what mnemosyne said about thinking of this child as your children's siblings, also. That thought got me through MANY many many tough days - it's actually saved my marriage on a few occasions as well. It takes time to build a relationship with your SO's kid. Any way to tweak the custody arrangements so that your friend and her SO see his boy more often? I don't know that I would have been able to handle just summers without getting to know my stepsons better throughout the week as well -- it would be too much intensity all at once, kwim? Anyway - much love to your friend. Being a stepmom is hard! But I can tell her that 5 years into it I wouldn't change my family one bit. Hey! I totally feel for your friend. I'm completely serious when I say that being a stepmom is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. The first thing I recommend is the book "The Truth about Stepfamilies" by Anne O'Connor. I mean it. Go buy your friend a copy RIGHT NOW! It is the most helpful book I've ever read about stepfamily dynamics. The author is a stepmom and a feminist. This book changed my life. I reread it every few months. Most stepfamily books are shitty and generally assumptive, this one is really accessible. I cannot stress enough that your friend should read this book ASAP. Also, I would revisit the parents' custody agreement. Most custody agreements have a clause about decision making (in regards to counseling). Your friend may be up shit creek on this one. We have been trying to take DSS to counseling for a while and are getting blocked by BM. If there's a joint custody agreement, both parents have to agree to counseling. Our only way out is to get a court order to take him (which we're working on). Also, your friend is not shitty for feeling like she doesn't love this child. Love takes effort and TIME. Once again, I have to plug the aforementioned book. All of the issues you talk about in your post are discussed with great care and nuance. Stepfamilies are FUCKING HARD! She is a champ for being there and sticking with it! "revolution is not a one time event" Audre Lorde It is SO common for judgment to start getting out of control with parenting and the *other* woman... the kid's mom. It's entirely possible that this kid has little problems at home. For example, with the soda? It could be that the caffeine actually chills him out. Some kids with ADHD or other neuro differences actually are calmed by caffeine. Also, toileting accidents and bedwetting is not at all uncommon in kids under 12 years; it's when it's an ongoing issue (not associated with a growth spurt) that it becomes a problem. Maybe something as simple as packing him an extra outfit in a plastic bag would help. My 7 year old who is going into 2nd grade had a couple accidents last year too, I did not like having to come to the school so much as he liked me coming to the school; but it solves the problem just keeping the clothes in his backpack. Other kids have a fresh outfit in a cubbie; lots of kids have this problem. When I talked to the school nurse she said that it's mostly the kids under 3rd grade, but there are usually at least a couple per week in the school of 200 kids. Sometimes it's acting out but sometimes it's just that their bodies grow at a different rate. As for counseling... She can't violate a custody agreement over something like that. If there is no court order, get one. Only visiting in the summer is probably contributing to the problem too; 7 is way too young to go 9 months without dad and 3 months without mom. I'd be acting out too. When they go to court to fight out the counseling issue; they should also revisit the custody arrangement; perhaps work out something with school vacations if they are geographically far apart; or if they are closer perhaps they can visit more often. Maybe one weekend a month or something? More frequent visits might help your friend to feel more love for this kid that she's helping to raise. It's hard to get to know someone when you don't get to see them very often. Maybe they should consider counseling with the kid's mom too; they should all be approaching this as a team; not as opposing sides. the 'loving' part: you could suggest she thinks of him as her children's step-brother. When I think of my stepkids as my daughters siblings it puts a different spin on things for me. The patterns he's used to are unfortunate, and doubtless when he goes from 4 mountain dews a day to none it's gonna have an effect. That's awful. Compromise is good, she's not going to switch him to her household expectations overnight, so she'll have to give a little, too...maybe a different special treat (choc milk?) that's out of the ordinary for the house. As for the bedwetting, I'd let it go. Both my stepkids wet the bed well to 10 and I was judgemental about it to, but everything I've read says it's actually pretty normal, and not to put undue attention on it. I'd still put him in counseling, probably as a family, and mom can screw off. Tell your friend to give herself plenty of space and alone time and permission to let her partner do the disciplining for his son--she doesn't have to try to be his mom. |
...and you wouldn't believe the relief that washed over her face when she read these. She may be joining hipmama herself one of these days
Thank you for giving her things to ponder (and the book advice too!)
BTW, the custody agreement can't be revisited right now. They're military like we are, and can't leave FL. The boy lives is Arizona with his mom for the school year...which makes it that much tougher.