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"I could NEVER do that." "I'm not the TYPE of person who could EVER do that."Submitted by peculiar old bird on Fri, 07/25/2008 - 3:45am.
Plotting and scheming. Damn, I picked her up and carried her into the house because I forgot. Her next nap, I tell myself. Watching her scratch knowing her nails are too long causes my gut to ache. I wait. She lays down for a nap, a day later than I was hoping to get the job done. She twists and turns, fighting sleep. I try to stay patient because her complete deep sleep is required. I tell Max to stay out, mama’s putting Bella down for a nap then clipping her nails. Finally, she falls asleep. I sneak away, get the clippers, and clip. Safe. Writing. Writing to update my family who yearn to know more about me, us, my kids but aren’t close enough to be invited into this space. Cut and pasting the parts of me they can handle. Packaging it up and e-mailing it out. Pictures. Need to send pictures, too. Must send pictures today to accompany e-mail. Trying to make it personal even though it isn’t my hands that touch the letter and photos. Beans. Preparing lots and lots of black beans to freeze. Zucchini, garlic, onions, broccoli, green bell peppers to cut up. Its always an experiment. I do it all alone. I know I should invite Max in to help but I need the space. Pasta. Making lunch for Max. Its only one o’clock. Still need to fold laundry. In a recent conversation I felt strangely defensive with the question, “So what’s going on with you these days?” My only thought was, “I’m cutting up potatoes for me and the kids.” The defensiveness came in when I felt like I should have more to report. I have a very hard time conveying to other women that I am enjoying mothering my two kids right now and having that be my primary goal for at least another year. I don’t want anything else right now. When speaking of my day to day I sometimes feel like I *should* be doing MORE. Even though I don’t want too. Isn’t that FUCKED UP? I shouldn’t be doing more, any more than some one else should be doing less. It was in this moment that I felt the weight of expectations [placed specifically on women] sitting heavily on my shoulders. It is a struggle to live in the moment. It takes practice. Its even harder to talk about "my life" these days when someone shows interest. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard, "I'm just not the type of person who could do that." THAT, being stay home with their children. I think about the responses I could say that are equally as careless. I don't say them. Life these days is easier to write about it, take pictures of, think about and live than it is to talk about. Choosing to stay home with my children doesn’t mean I lack goals. I promise you that. It certainly doesn’t mean I lack passion or desire. Living in the moment will seem mundane to most people - boring, even - when it rolls off my lips. It sounds simple when it leaves my mouth. Why is it hard for me to feel comfortable with this? I think my insecurities sneak up on me, sometimes.
Thanx for reading. I know I posted some of this in a previous post. I wanted to put it together again, a little differently this time. peculiar old bird's blog | login or register to post comments | email this page | printer friendly version
Same here. All three of my kids have large talons. I am smiling about the fingernail piece. Jonah is really overdue for a clipping and I fell asleep last night. He woke up this morning scratching. Dang eczema.
If your a SAHM you worry because you're not "doing more" outside the home. If you are working your worry because you're not "doing more" at home. And I suppose we all worry about not "doing enough" when it comes to saving the environment, or saving money, or (dare I say it) saving your soul. I'm not even going to talk about "not doing enough" to lose weight and the like. I think we sometimes forget that the "doing" is supposed to mean something. That doing in and of itself is pretty worthless. All work can be valuable, worthwhile, important, and useful. They say that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Don' let anybody, not even yourself, tell you any different. I do the same thing - feel like I should do more when I don't want to. And yeah, it's hard to explain to anyone the how why what where when of parenting a small person (or in your case, small people) all the time. My husband has a daughter about my age and she's always hanging out with friends, working, going to far away weddings and get togethers, dating new guys, buying very expensive flashy stuff, going to clubs, concerts, shows, events and such and she talks on and on about the hype of her life and then if we get to what I'm doing I usually just say "you know, same stuff" or "kid stuff" or whatever. At the same time I am happy and generally satisfied with my life, though I do want to get more of my projects done (always) and she's kind of depressed and frantic and can't sit still- so sure, my life may bore the shit out of her to even have to ask about (and I don't help when I downplay it) but it's a good life. Having a kid has taught me way more than anything else I have ever done, made me a better person, helped me know what I really want, helped me get over myself, helped me be a more effective person, wife, friend (and parent of course) and it is important (the other stuff I used to do pales in comparison). when I was reading your last post on this I was thinking, maybe if you talk about your mothering skill set like you were writing a resume, it would 'sound' better to you, you know? Like instead of 'cutting up potatoes' you could say 'reorganizing culinary ingredients' or something. ha ha! Seriously though, when my kids were wee like yours it helped me a great deal to visualize the future on days I felt like I should be doing 'more' than take care of little kids. I tell you, back in 1998 for example, 2008 seemed a long way off but in retrospect the time flew by. Now I have one grown child mere months from leaving the nest, another child entering the teen years, and my baby now in double digits. I have lots of time now to write (god! how I used to resent their interrupting me when I was writing), to open my bookstore, to run marathons, to do a lot of things I dreamed about doing when they were small. I am enjoying this time tremendously but it is bittersweet, because many days I miss my wee babies. If I regret anything, it's the days I felt small or insignificant or like I should be doing something more than take care of them when they were little. The time is passing by so fast, every moment your kids are bigger, stronger, faster, older. and one day they will be way big, and you'll have that time to do more. But whatever you do then, it will by no means be greater than what you are doing now. Please know that, and don't be insecure about yourself as a mother. MSPmedia Love the resume idea! I am enjoying these days with my kids. It was only in that moment where I felt that I was expected to report something greater than what I did. Only because of a very slight sound my friend made followed later in the conversation with, "I could never stay home with my children." I feel like with some of my friends, through conversations we've had (even though they would never say this directly) feel like staying home with children is the lesser choice in life. Somehow, its good enough for me but not them. They would never want to NOT earn money. So on and so forth. Independence to them is directly connected to making money. I get that. It isn't my feelings on money when it comes to *some* aspects of my life. But it is in others... like having money to take a nice family vacation feels like independence. But making money to feel like an independent women who doesn't need a man to depend on well, i can't relate to those feelings because I like not working and earning money but don't feel less independent for it. The money comments are hard to hear from friends and I'm not sure how to *make* them understand how much value I have in life even though I'm not earning money. Its a weird condescending comment that I'm not sure how to take or respond too. I need a pithy response to that one that doesn't simultaneously put down another person making the opposite choice for their family. My writing gets interrupted ALL THE TIME. It takes me one or two days to make a post/complete an idea! Its nice to read about all you are doing now that your kids are older, too. I need those reminders on the days that seem to last forever because Max and I aren't getting along. "We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful. It's that women are strong." - Laura Stavoe Harm It is a hard thing to hear but it's highly probable your friends don't mean to belittle your choice when they declare that they would choose differently. Money is such a weird issue, and many women choose to work for pay when their kids are babies/toddlers for a variety of reasons. When someone says that they could never stay home with kids, they are not necessarily putting down your choice so much as declaring what is true for them. Maybe they feel they can't depend on someone else financially. Maybe their significant other doesn't earn enough to support their household alone. Maybe they have to help support elderly parents. Maybe they just feel better emotionally/psychologically when they are earning money. Maybe they want to use their education. Maybe they just like working outside the home. It could be any number of reasons, seriously, that have naught to do with you. So you don't even have to respond to comments like that. It's a sting you don't have to take. Just smile enigmatically, that's what I used to do MSPmedia Sigh. I really did read the rest of your blog, and I really do have coherent thoughts on it.. but look at those little feet... Sigh. Sorry... I'm easily distracted by baby cuteness these days. |
At what age can they start doing this themselves? Isaak will be 8 in September. I think it's time. haha! "Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here we might as well dance".- Maya Angelou
I think all of us think we should be doing MORE, at least from the outside looking in. The fact that you know, deep down, that you don't want to do more right now, has got to be at least half the battle! And the fact that you don't say anything back to the people that say "I couldn't do THAT" is just awesome. You rock it, pob!
And I love reading your words. This line, "Trying to make it personal even though it isn’t my hands that touch the letter and photos."
is beautiful. It made me a little teary-eyed.