I'm drunk. And want a cigarette. My son is climbing on me wanting to look at dinosaur pictures. Oh, I am PMS'ing. too. I just told Hal that I don't care if he thinks it is gross to smoke, I want to do it, so I will. I just have too much pride to buy anything but American Spirit or something akin to that and the store that sells them is closed. I'd have to cross a highway to get smokes and would only be able to get the "more" toxic ones. I'm too drunk to drive. I wish I had a neighbor friend. I live in a typical suburban neighborhood, though not deed restricted like the more "modern" areas. Isolating. But really, by my choice. Because this is how I *see* these neighborhoods. I've had plenty of invitations to "come over and I'll watch your children." Formalities leave it at that. I nod and say, "sure!" And then never stop by. Never ask for help. Makes me realize how much I isolate myself from those living closest to me. I'm hoping as my kids get older that will change. Somehow. Anyway. Hal does not like that I drink or smoke. He is kinda *really* against it. Looks down on me for it. But I say, FUCK IT. And, I love you, but fuck you. I'm not ever going to be perfect and this is one of the ways I *choose* to be imperfect. I'm responsible. I'm considerate. I won't give it up. NOt anytime soon, anyway. He accepts that I want this. Still hates it. I just wish he was able to have a drink with me. Seems like we would get along better if he'd relax a little without TV and with me. Oh well. I can work around him. Find my voice in this without him. Crazy that I have to, but not so crazy when I think about it. I love him so much but he can't be a part of EVERY part of my life. And this is such a small part of my life.

*edit* okay, not really a "fuck you" to Hal as much as a "I love you so please just find a way to accept that I want to drink and smoke and do a little damage to my body every now and then." At least for now. Yes, I'm working towards total health (um, can I get a HELL YEAH for the way I eat??!!), but it will take time.

UPDATE: I woke up this morning, NO hangover (thank you Universe!) and thanked Hal for NOT buying me those smokes! I would have regretted that. There seems to be a difference between bumming a smoke whilst out and actually buying my own pack! Hal knows that, too. Smoking is such a treat and if I buy a pack, it will be more than a treat... I'm almost positive it will become a habit.

Enjoyed my drinks. Reconnected with Max. Learned a little about his strong personality. Realized I'm more connected to Max than Hal these days. Okay with that. I know these dynamics move all the time and am looking forward to connecting this way with Bella. And with Hal, some weeks we are two peas in a pod and some weeks we are miles away. Feeling pretty distant from him right now.