In a recent conversation I felt strangely defensive with the question, “So what’s going on with you these days?” My only thought was, “I’m cutting up potatoes for me and the kids.” The defensiveness came in when I felt like I should have more to report.

I have a very hard time conveying to other women that I am enjoying mothering my two kids right now and having that be my primary goal for at least another year. I don’t want anything else right now. When speaking of my day to day I sometimes feel like I *should* be doing MORE. Even though I don’t want too. Isn’t that FUCKED UP? I shouldn’t be doing more, any more than some one else should be doing less. It was in this moment that I felt the weight of expectations [placed specifically on women] sitting heavily on my shoulders.

It is a struggle living in the moment because it is hard for me to talk about it. Its easier to just do it (Ew. Fuck You N**E). Living in the moment doesn’t mean I lack goals for my future. And it certainly doesn’t mean I lack passion or desire. And it doesn’t mean I lack the stings of Mothering. Living in the moment will seem mundane to most people. Boring, even. It sounds mundane and boring when it leaves my mouth. Why is it hard for me to feel comfortable with this?

I sometimes feel gluttonous for enjoying my life so much. Only sometimes.

For the record, writing is a form of escapism for me… living in the past and dreaming for the future… while accepting that this is what I need to be doing right now in order to enjoy life.

I want to own it. Especially when talking to other women. I guess I'm more insecure than I realized!