Ilove seeing photos here of other people's families and kids. Sometimes it makes me feel envious, but usually it makes me feel all warm and gooey and hopeful inside. Since my miscarriage i am totally obsessed with babies and family. I mean i was starting to feel the pangs of babylust before i got pregnant, but to actually have that first taste of the glowing hopeful possibility just threw me into the depths of it.
And i came here to hipmama when i was pregnant and started snooping about because i was so into it and so ready to be a mama posting about my own mothering process and have a group where i can blow off steam. Because while i love spain and feel really integrated here, there is still this tinge of cultural conditioning that is just different. I can find people that i relate to and have a lot in common with anywhere in the world, but sometimes i feel like it is impossible that people here can really get what i am saying. And it is just such a relief to rant in english.
I really like blogging here. I enjoy the responses that i get, when i get them. Sometimes i don't get as many responses as i would hope but i think it must be because i am mainly thinking in print, people don't know how to respond and just don't say anything. But i spend a lot of time here and every time i get on the internet i come here to see what's up.
When i really get into it my dh acuses me of being addicted to ¨mommy-porn¨. And now that i think about it i think he might be right: not in a ¨turn you on and subjugate women¨ kind of way but in a definate swirling vortex of addictive voyeurism. And a total need to feel myself as a member of a community of mothers even though i have no idea when i will actually get to be one.
In part these are his issues that he's putting off on me because i know that he feels a little threatened by the intense desire that i have to have children. He has legitimate reasons to want to put it off, but that doesn't change my also legitimate feelings of desire and anguish at my failed pregnancy.
But i wonder if it might be right that i shouldn't spend so much time and energy thinking about having children, and looking at photos of other people's children, and trying to belong to a group of women who are boldly going where i want to be.
So i realize that i am just thinking in print, but i would really appreciate some input on these specific questions. (with the understanding that only i can really figure these things out for myself)
1. is it perhaps unhealthy that i am so involved here recently when i am in the throws of mourning my miscarriage?
2. is it helpful or harmful to mother vicariously and be fascinated by the triumphs and tribulations of women who are boldy going where i want to be?
3. is it perhaps creepy and not my place to stick my nose in here so much when i am not really a member of the motherclub?
- that last because sometime's i so totally feel like a catmama (not a reference to the blogger formerly known as catmama- but to the concept of a catmama as explained in the hipmama survival guide) and it takes everything i have to refrain from blogging about my four cat household.