I only can support the other mamas who already have given their comments. But as for a catmama (I remember that passage *grin*): I once felt the other way roud: When my sweet DD (climbing as an ibex) stoud on the ladder to her brother's bed and didn't know how to come down again. Of course she was crying. Just like a kitten that climbed up a tree just to find out that it cannot find the way down. That day I felt like a catmama...
You are always welcome!

i didn't read the responses, but wanted to tell you this:
you know what it feels and means to care for and nurture a child. those verbs could be present, past or the "soon to be again" future tense and behind all of the words, you are still a mom.
people, even men, come here, to this public site, for different reasons, and as long as you are respectful, no worries.
i enjoy reading your input and insight. and, hope that you continue on here.
-maria

hey,

i started coming on here alot a few years ago when i first started trying to get pregnant. for me it was in part about learning about being a mother...and i also already felt like one. having a baby was number one on my brain. i also felt kinda uncomfortable sometimes not actually having any children yet and being very present here. i think it's healthy that you come here it's a supportive community and it's probably good for the healing process...it helped me after each disappointment and miscarriage..i had 2 very early ones.

i ended up disappearing from here for awhile after my partner and i broke up and i wasn't trying. i guess it reminded me of her and what we were trying to create together, it became too painful. i'm now 5 months pregnant...by accident.

anyway, i say stick around, if you want to

for your warm replies, especially the really long ones:)
As far as the actual living goes, don't worry about me... summer is a great time for actually doing things and enjoying my unappreciated youthful freedom. Dh and i are hitting hidden mountain swimming holes and taking salads to summer birthday parties as much as we can.
I just like being reassured that i'm not bothersome- maybe some self-esteeem issues there? Maybe i just need to spend way less time thinking about myself and way more time being like myself.

i made a point to not read anyone else's responses because i wanted to tell you what my gut says on these questions:

1. is it perhaps unhealthy that i am so involved here recently when i am in the throws of mourning my miscarriage?

No. I think it is a wonderful way to heal that loss. You will always mourn it but you don't have to do it alone. As far as I am concerned, YOU ARE A MOMMA. I don't know why that makes sense to me, but it does. You were pregnant. You felt that rush of hormones. You dreamed of your baby. You are a momma who lost her child. You need to grieve with other moms. No one else can understand the way we do.

2. is it helpful or harmful to mother vicariously and be fascinated by the triumphs and tribulations of women who are boldy going where i want to be?

It is smart. And healthy for you to do this. You can't fight that feeling of wanting to mother your children. Go with it and trust that your time will come when you won't feel like you are living vicariously.

3. is it perhaps creepy and not my place to stick my nose in here so much when i am not really a member of the motherclub?

You ARE a member of the secret society of awesome mommas! I'm sure there are some cat lovers here who would join in on that blog discussion!

Are you and your husband trying to have a baby now?

"We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful. It's that women are strong."

- Laura Stavoe Harm

Firstly, I think your blogs are very thought provoking, and think lots of moms, like me, would love to write out long responses, but the kid is yelling, or I have to get off in five seconds, or what I write is long and garbled and needs editing to have any coherence.

Your first blog that I saw started with a quote. I speak spanish(badly and infrequently) and I had to just skip the paragraphs I would have written about how I resonated with the 'regla' thing, or how it's wonderful to have another language to think in, and on and on....I only had time to throw down some vibe love.....at least, I'm 99% sure that was your blog.

Secondly, being a mom has been a real revolution for me. I realize that the longing to be a mom has always been in me and that I can't help but 'mother' other kids when I see them out fooling around. I also realized that it's the damned hardest thing to do, and I've shed many a tear in the face of such demand. My point is that mothering is a part of who you are, and it doesn't matter if you haven't birthed your children yet. While it's true that you can't know what it's really like (there are times you are conviced the baby is out to get you) until you've been there, I think that you are looking ahead and longing, and working with the identity of being a mom.

And as for mommy-porn, I think it's something we all do. Looking around at the community of mom's around us, feeling love and tenderness, and of course a little envy, as we put ourselves in their shoes and wonder how that mommy does things. If she's weak or lazy sometimes, or hurting or working her ass of to keep things running. We moms are always struggling to find ourselves in the muddle of being wifemotherslave (another great HM moniker).

I am wondering about the HM survival guide? Don't see it in the side bar there...I can be blind. I have had some etiquette questions before, and have always wondered what it is to 'hijack' a blog. The ladies here are all very polite, and often offer that they're not trying to hijack. But I just can't shut up once I get started, so I wonder if it's rude to leave a HUGE comment for someone, especially if half of the sentences refer to personal experiences.

Also, I think its part of being a mom-type to 'take notes' on parenting styles and parents vs. children. I've always taken notes on the parenting I see around me. It's very reassuring to have lots of anecdotal evidence when your kid is doing something weird. So I guess I think you very much belong here, especially if you want emotional/informational support for gettin' knocked up and thereafter.

I don't think it's healthy if surfing mom pics is hurting your feelings a lot, or you are spending big fractions of time on it. I joke with my mom that surfing recipies and gourmet sites is 'foodie porn'. I waste incredible amounts of time looking at stuff I'd like to have in my house, and none of it is so selfless as wanting to devote my every waking hour to an infant.

I'd also like to offer a suggestion (which is what I say when I stick my nose in other peoples lives and offer advice. I'm not qualified to give advice on anything): Take this time, before your pregnancy and child-rearing years, which really will be exhausting and go by in a messy blur, to do those things that us moms wish we'd thought to do a little more before we had children. Wear midrif clothes, buy more lingerie. Start gathering notes for your first novel. Take a trip somewhere kids hate, like a rock museum or winery. I'm not describing the stained, loud, crumb-filled universe of motherhood because I hope to make you want it any less, I think you WANT melted crayons in your electronics. What I mean is that you're where you want to be in your timeline, and you should luxuriate in the last of your childess years with your hubby, dig? Have loud sex now, and then go on and enjoy raising the incredible kids you'll have one day.

I can understand why your DH could be uncomfortable with your intense feelings. At some point, men were kicked out of the birthing teepee and they've never gotten over it. Tell your man that when y'all are pregnant, you'll help him enjoy the journey with you. Or tell him your intense desire for his sperm is making you insane. That should help.

I also think it helps you to come into the circle of mothers. That's what women's medicine is, we mother the whole world and eachother. I think you are here with a loving heart, to offer advice, to learn, to share, to reach out, and cannot possibly be 'snooping' or sticking your nose in. I think that humans go through the birth cycle in everything they do. We have ideas, relationships, jobs, identities, and we nurture them and bring them to fullness. It can only help you, whose recent cycle was disrupted, to move through the cycles with other women and kind of process all your stuff.

So, yeah, this is why I rarely post comments, they would all be this long, and they would boot me from the site. And there's still the lingering fear that I have 'hijacked' or done something else thats socially distasteful. I hope you keep posting, because I really like your blogs.

so if it makes you feel GOOD then you should stick around! but only YOU know if it's making you feel good or not. perhaps there is a tiny bit of mommyporn/vicarious-living going on when you check in with us, but so what?? a mama (whether currently expecting or hoping to be expecting soon) is a mama! if this is a place that you can find a sense of community and camaraderie (sp??) then you should enjoy it. if we're making you sad or lonely, though, maybe it is time for a (temporary) break. keep talking to us if it helps, though, mm... you DO belong.

Damn! I thought I was going to get to read something juicy! Now i am offended!

I am jealous of you! I wish I had more time to obsess and nest and dwell and daydream about motherhood! It was just kind of sloppily inflicted on me. Shit every time I have been pregnant has always started out with a call to the clinic! I think your emotional journey is so beautiful and sweet and that its going to make having a baby that much sweeter! I *know* you will, and I am one psychic bitch- wait thats psyhcotic bitch, regardless of what I am I can't spell worth a damn BUT I do know that you belong here, and that you are already are to a certain extent a mother. Not only because unfortunatly you have had a pregnancy that ended so sadly, but because you are waiting in line to get your child!

IMO, feel free to blog about whatever you want. We are all here for diffrent reasons and very rarely does my intrest here have anything to do with kids. I am kinda burnt out on my own kids and are fascinated with other peoples lives that have them while parenting. I mean, I have had enough sleeping and nursing and pregnancy talks to hold me over the rest of two lifetimes, but I am still trying to figure out what goes on in my cats' heads. If you know, share the wealth.

I peeked in here long before I was pregnant, though I was motivated to join and post only after becoming a mama. Now my guy is 2 1/2 and I'm here more frequently. I needed time to process the idea of becoming a mother without losing my identity (sounds silly in retrospect but I was so afraid!) so mommyporn helped me do that. I think maybe you are processing what you have been through and, as another poster said, maybe you are here to reassure yourself that you will join the mommyclub someday. There are plenty of cool women here in one form or another: being a mommy is just one incarnation of being a woman. You fit the bill, have a valid perspective, and are just as welcome as any of the rest of us. Is it unhealthy? I dunno. I like the idea of living your life but I also like the idea of allowing yourself to indulge in some pseudo-mommy talk here too. One of the mommy blogs I'm hooked on is actually written by a woman who had a stillbirth and every now and then, as one who has not lost a child, I wonder if I should be there, looking into her life. We talk about it on the blog sometimes. But I do enjoy participating in someone else's radically different experience and I am awed by her perspective on life. So I feel a little like you...wandering around in the virtual world, wondering if you've stumbled where you ought not to be. I say no- you're exactly where you should be. Whatever hipmama offers, it must be working for you.

At work, so I can't write long.

Only you can really determine if you are helped or hindered by being involved here. We love having you, but if it's becoming an unhealthy obsession, maybe you can take a break and see what else is up. I know I have a tendancy to develop obsessive interests when I'm trying to cope with something I don't actually want to think about.

Also, keep in mind that the grass is always greener. If you don't go out and socialize, have adventures, bond with your SO, and live YOUR life before you have little ones to take care of, you may resent your kids for taking that life away from you. I still sometimes have to really point out to myself that the life I have now is simply different, not better or worse than, it would have been had DD not come along. So maybe you need to unplug and go LIVE for a while. Or maybe not.

As far as mothering vicariously...dude. Start fostering. Become a Big Sister. Whatever. But there are LOTS of places for all of that caretaker energy to go. I PROMISE.

24/MN. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD1.

I'm sure other mamas on here will have something more insightful to say, but I just want you to know something. It's sort of funny, because reading your post I realized something about myself. I do this too, in my own way, and I have kids. Let me explain.
My childhood friend emails me photos every month of herself and family. Her pictures are always so...I don't know. I just get envious. It's like they're always doing something fun with their kids. They always look so content. I sit and obsess over their pictures, ask myself what I'm doing wrong or right. My obsession is not healthy, that's for sure. The comparison game never is with me. I don't know what my point is... I just want you to feel that you're not alone. I'm into mommyporn too.
I don' t know that it's unhealthy for you to be on here, after miscarriage. Maybe it's giving you hope that one day you will have a child. ? That's my thoughts. I hope you work through it. HUGS! "Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here we might as well dance".- Maya Angelou

I have read a lot of good contributions from you here, and I think HM is not just moms talking about their mom stuff. Dude I am sucking with the wording, I still haven't had any coffee if you can believe that but what I am trying to say is it's a group of smart ladies and you're a smart lady so you belong. I used to read a lot of mama centered literature before I had Bugsy, because it was good writing you know? I mean if it's a positive experience for you here then you belong and I read your blogs

I am swisterland...switzerland? fuck it, I am swiss.