We have had family in town all week and whew, I have been getting my drink ON. I’ve drank and smoked (cigarettes, people. I’m a social smoker when drinking) three times this month. Whoa, call me a party girl. When I start to question whether or not I should be enjoying my life in this way, I think to myself, “It’s July, its family, and my children are safe.” Hal doesn't drink and is my solid companion in all aspects of parenting. He supports my drinking because of its fringe benefits to him. And because he likes to see me having a good time outside of daily life. You know what they say... a happy mama makes a happy family. Or something like that.
I know its healthy for me to let loose every-now-and-then, but I can’t help but to be conscientious about becoming dependent on drinks and smokes for camaraderie. Not that I think I will, but I like to keep shit in check. I never want to go back to the days when I needed to have a drink to enjoy my “night out.” I like having a life that doesn’t involve “needing” a drink to unwind and relax. I don’t begrudge any one else’s desire for a stiff drink or beer at the end of a hard day, just don’t want that for myself.
Sometimes I think I think tooooooo much about everything I do. Ya think? Its not even that I try, it just happens. Hey, but then I move on.
Although I have been careful to not get sloppy drunk (which I find gross and would be embarrassed for myself to be seen that way - sorry, little bit of snobbery there)… I have noticed that the day following my family Drink-On(s) I have been pretty cranky and impatient towards Max. For a couple weeks there, I was in a good space with my boy: enjoying his company, interacting a lot, communicating well, playing and such. After my first night of drinking at my cousin's wedding, whoa. He got on my nerves the next day like nobody ever should. I was curt and impatient. I yelled at him too much.
This has happened twice this month. So today (because I had a few last night with our relatives visiting from Utah and California. We all went out for dinner, sans the 9 kids between us 3 couples. Wow.), I’m sticking to staying as close to in the moment as possible. This way of being always makes for a pleasant day with kids.
A couple more days and they will all be gone. And then Hal and I will have to deal with the wrath of my MIL, once again. Especially since we didn't let them take Max to Disney and won't be going to Universal Studios on Saturday with them, either. Hey, its to fucking hot. I can understand an out-of-state'er wanting to go to these places in the dead of summer. But a FLORIDIAN??? No thank you. Fuck-you-very-much. So yeah, because we don't want Max to go to these places without us (he's only 3 years old for crying out loud) and because when they go, they stay from OPEN TO CLOSE, we are evil bad hateful abusive parents.
Oooooooh well. We can live with that.
OH lord, I just got myself started... my MIL talked to Max about going to Disney EVEN AFTER SHE KNEW HE WOULDN'T BE GOING. She's crazy, it is true, but come'on. Why on Earth would you want to hurt your grandson by rubbing it in that he wasn't going? We ended up having a lovely fun day with his Aunt She-she who is a Floridan living in Utah and isn't' dumb enough to go to a theme park in Florida this time of year. He didn't need to know anything other than what we were doing. When MIL got home she said, I AM SO GLAD MAX DIDN'T COME WITH US. Apparently, Max's 3 y/o cousin who went with them had melt down after melt down. Duh. Mommy knows best. Bitch.
Done now.
All in all, it has been a wonderful summer with family and life and love. This weekend, I'm going to visit with my late friend Monica's [1] boyfriend, Ian. I'll be the first person to go through her stuff and pick what I want to keep. I've known about this opportunity for the past year and finally feel strong enough to take Ian up on it. I just can't believe that none of her family members have done it already. I feel honored to be the first (outside of Ian) and in a way, know she would have wanted it this way. Also, the Christmas before she died, she made Hal and I a present. Its a DVD of her talking to us. I don't know what is on it. She didn't give it to us because we weren't talking at the time. The present is still wrapped. The other family members who received a similar personalized DVD of her said it was like she knew she would be leaving us soon.
I'm excited and scared shitless to be ready for this, but I'm taking the leap anyway.