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overwhelmed.Submitted by mommymash on Wed, 07/02/2008 - 1:21am.
i have been crying for three hours now. i cried through dinner; i cried through bathtime; i cried through bedtime stories and tucking-in. i'm still crying right now. I AM SO FUCKING OVERWHELMED. i've felt it coming on for a few weeks now, that faint tingle of losing control, the chalky taste of the desperation to make it all work. i've been trying to push it away, keep smiling, have faith that everything's going to be okay. but everything is not okay. i always swore that i would be the kind of mother that is so strong my daughter would never know i was struggling. i swore i would never let her see me cry; i swore i would never let her know how overwhelming it is to keep our lives together. and tonight i failed at that promise i made to myself. tonight i could not gain control of my emotions, and my baby girl saw me break down. i am behind on rent. the landlord called me up and basically told me that if i were a good mother i'd be able to provide for my daughter. i had no answer for that, as i don't have any responses prepared for people who hit that far below the belt. he asked me "where does all the money go that the state gives you?" i had to laugh and cry at the same time. she state no longer gives us ANYTHING. no food stamps, no daycare assistance, no TANF, NOTHING. apparently the approximately $450/wk that i make qualifies me as rich. eviction is looming, and i won't be getting a paycheck this friday since i missed work last week to visit my granparents. they paid for the whole trip, but i should have cancelled when realized how far behind i was with my bills. i NEEDED that vacation, though, and i didn't cancel so now i'm screwed. i missed work yesterday because i threw up when i got there and my boss made me leave because she was afraid i'd get all the kids sick. i missed work FUCKING AGAIN today because a bugbite that monkeygirl got ten days ago has swollen up and turned purple and i had to take her to the doctor. speaking of doctors, i have no health insurance as of yesterday. i did have medicaid, but the state has cancelled it seeing as i am a fucking millionaire. monkeygirl's insurance has changed from healthy kids 'gold' to healthy kids 'silver' which means that i pay a $25/month premium and $10 doctor's visit co-pays and a $20 prescription co-pay. ridiculously affordable, i know, but today i had to pay $30 that was supposed to go toward groceries to take her to the doctor. that leaves me with $8 left and no paycheck until next friday. i need to pay $130 to the electric company by july 9th or they're going to shut off the electricity. i need to somehow come up with $80 to pay for the baby's daycare this week and have no fucking clue where i'm going to pull that out of. I AM SO FUCKED. being a single mother is has caught up with me. i have no money, no free time, no partner to help me through all this craziness. i thought i could handle it, but right now i'm NOT HANDLING it. my baby is freaking out, too. she usually goes to bed with no problem at all, but tonight she cried and said "nonono, snuggle! snuggle," when i put her in her crib. so i took her out. i climbed into me bed with her and bit my lip and shook as i tried to choke back the sobs that were bubbling in my throat. i rubbed her back and told her everything was okay. i told her that i was so sorry i was so sad, but that sometimes mommies cry when they have a bad day. i told her that i loved her very much and i promised her that everything would be better tomorrow. she kissed the freckles on my shoulders and said "freckews! kiss freckews!" i feel so stuck, so helpless, so alone right now. i'm failing us. i want so many things for us that are so far out of reach. i want to go to school. i want to get us the fuck out of this slum apartment and into a place where we don't have creepy drunk neighbors that listen to music so loud at 2 am that is makes our bedroom walls vibrate. i don't want to live in this place where the landlord doesn't pay the oil bill in february and we have to sleep with the oven open because it's 20 degrees outside. i want to stop crying right now. i need desparately to see the therapist right now but even with their income based fee reduction i'd still have to pay $75 and that's an impossibility. i'm scared that the celexa i've been taking for months for some mild (Ha!) depression has happened to fail me at the exact moment that i need it to work the most. this also happens to be centipede season in the 100+ year old building we live in. that means that a few times a week i see huge insects with like a million legs just fucking chilling out IN OUR HOME. before i fall asleep at night i imagine them crawling around in the walls, looking for a tiny crack that will give them access to our space. i try to get these thoughts out of my mind, but when you almost sit on one of those fuckers on the toilet seat in the middle of the night it's kind of a mindfuck, you know?? i've been typing long enough that my tears have run out. i'm actually exhausted enough that i may fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. and i'm praying to anyone that can give me strength that i will get through the day tomorrow without letting anyone see me cry. i don't want to feel so helpless anymore. Amy--whoa! How did I miss all of this!? I feel like an ass; I check this place out at least twice a day, how did I not see all of this going on? Okay, mama. I'm PMming you my phone number, because I have been pretty darn close to where you are (it was about nine months ago, actually) in terms of being WAY poor, way discouraged, and way hopeless. I know you're SIGNIFICANTLY better today, from what I was able to read, and lotsa mamas gave great advice. I don't have more to add in that vein. Emotions are good--all of them. But this will be a journey, and shit doesn't automatically just get better once you get determined, BUT it does get better. (At that point, you keep flinching, waiting for it to fall apart again. That's where I'm at, now. Hopefully, that stage doesn't last long...) Anyway. If you need to rehash things or brainstorm or cry on the phone, call me. Or if you need me to call you, just let me know (free nights and weekends baby, ow ow.) 24/MN. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD1. Late but here! The other mamas said it all. I can't tell you how refreshing your honesty is... all the HM's honesty in their blogs... HUGS and VIBES going out to you and your daughter. All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860) And I certainly know overwhelmed. Though not in the same context as you are in right now. Don't be afraid to cry in front of your kids, they need to see it's OK to have that emotion. Remember there is a difference between crying in front of your kids and being honest about being sad and throwing your problems on your kids. Don't confuse the two and let yourself be human, it'll show them how to be whole. Good luck with everything, much love and hugs to you. lm
I logged on late and just read this now, but wanted to send out some good vibes your way. I think it was awesome and brave of you to bring this up here...besides all of the great ideas that have come from the other mamas, there are a lot of us who are broke and freaking out in our own quiet little isolated ways, and this is a topic that makes everyone feel less alone when we know we are sharing it together. So thank you for sharing this. So many times we keep this shit to ourselves and the load is always easier to pull when people are putting their heads together and sharing ideas for getting through. And I want to smack your employers upside the head too! ((Hugs mama)) "Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson it took actually reaching my breaking point to be able to put it all out there and admit that i am freaking out. i have been kind of in denial for a couple weeks now as the storm clouds have been gathering overhead; it all finally came to a boil after that (SHITTY) conversation with my landlord. it all hit me like a ton of bricks at that moment how lost i am right now, but look at what my first instint was: as soon as the baby was sleeping, i logged right onto HM and had a blogvomit session. and i DID feel better after i had gotten it all out; somehow admitting how scared i was made things a tiny bit less scary. and, obviously, having so many women out there telling me that they've been in this spot and are thinking of me, let alone that they want to help me, is a blessing of immeasurable worth. i feel stronger now for having realized that i AM allowed to be weak. i hope the numerous reminders posted here by all the HMs have made us all feel a bit more comfortable with our feelings, in the bad times as well as the good ones. it is okay to cry in front of the kids. at least I believe that. you are HUMAN honey. being a poor working single mom myself I totally feel you. in fact i could have almost written your post two nights ago. this is a horribly f-ing hard job some of the time, all on your own. sometimes you (we) just feel like its all falling apart. money stress. not enough hours in the day to cover the basic duties, chores and demands, let alone anything just for the fun of it. i am so glad that everyone here has some good ideas for you mommymash! i don't know you, but i'll be thinking of you and vibing you with my best! i've been down pretty recently too and i know how it shakes you to the bone. give in to the love of your daughter as often as you can, even if you are struggling she will always love you. when i'm feeling inferior as a parent, i always go back to my book the parent’s tao te ching and savor this passage. If you want your children to succeed, show them how to fail. thinking of you (((((((((mommymash))))))))) single mama solidarity always!! Thanks so much for sharing, dreamie. Such amazing, powerful words. As a personal note-- I worry so much about being a mama who struggles with depression. Will I screw up my kids, etc etc etc because they see me depressed, etc etc et. I see the other side of that now, with these seemingly simple words. Thanks. This passage made me cry, its so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing it. All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860) I can't imagine. I just want to give you a hug. Your landlord SUCKS! Nomad has some great tips. Since you have had to call into work so much, will you qualify for aid again? I found some public university's with childcare: Keene has one: Plymouth State has one University of New Hampshire has one: School starts in September, so it's probably too late to get into one of these places by then, but maybe once all the cash stuff gets settled, you can start getting your FAFSA applications in, figure out which program you're interested in, apply to the universities and then to these childcare programs, and check out the dorms and the cost to be there, etc... I think it would probably work out well for you. "Fundamentally the markswoman aims at herself" DT Suzuki thankyou so much for doing that research and posting those links; you're really coming through for me here, big time. i'm actually a bit overwhelmed right now by all the suggestions, ideas, advice, etc that have been posted here and on dynamom's post! i need some time to process everything and figure out exactly what's going to work for me. everybodys encouraging words about going back to school have really lit a fire under my ass about the whole thing, though, and i'm seriously chomping at the bit to be back in a classroom now. it's been ten years since i graduated high school, and i've been ready for a while to do this for myself but haven't been able to figure out how. the resources you (and others) have provided for me here make it so much easier to figure it out.... you fucking rule, quark, thankyou!! isn't it funny that earlier this week i was posting about trying to take monkeygirl overseas to do some volunteer work!?! i realize now that i've been feeling very out of control of my own life and was using that as an easy way to avoid figuring out how to fix the issues i have going on. i can't believe i didn't see it at the time, but i was in some serious denial and was trying so hard to cover up how bad things were getting. i've always wanted to do alot of the things we mentioned in that post (like fostering, volunteering again at the B&GC, and working for HIV prevention) but maybe the next time i get the urge to save the world i should make sure its not me who needs the saving!! "but maybe the next time i get the urge to save the world i should make sure its not me who needs the saving!!" BleuRoo Handcrafted Sweetness Yes, that's the advice I always give too; if you're going to go to college go all out. Go full time, get loans and grants and assistance and you won't have to work. You'll have time to study, more time with your kids, social interaction with people your age, and at the end you'll have this degree and never have to work a crappy job again! Also I highly recommend Katherine Arnoldi's site- Check the "Guide to college for mothers" and also her graphic novel about her journey through college as a teen single mom. It's good inspiration if you're undecided. She also does a "College Moms Magazine", there's a link on the site. for linking us all to that site! i haven't looked at it (YET) but it sounds like it would be just what i need. ***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. *** I have been in your situation but I was the child at that time and my ma was in your shoes and I can tell you that it is imperative that your kids see you break down from time to time. We don't want to raise little automatons that don't know how to handle emotions. Seeing mommy cry and feel better allows them to cry and feel better. Seeing mommy get industrious about getting groceries and putting a roof over their head is a GOOD thing. I became incredibly strong as a result and I think your gals will too. Love is priceless and that is the gift you give your kids every day. They don't know poverty- that seems normal because that is what they are used to-- but they do know love. I was way happier with my single mom than I ever was with a crappy dad around making us miserable even if the bills got paid. I second the advice about utility companies and church kitchens and section 8 housing. It isn't always in bad neighborhoods these days, depending on your city. Maybe instead of asking for a raise in August, you can ask that your baby be included in your workplace. This would save WAY more $$ and give you peace of mind. Do you have a paypal account we can donate to? Or do you need to PM some of us your address to put some $$ in the mail? Feel free. I have had decent luck with calling my electric company, telling them when I well be able to pay and they leave the electric on, even when we were four months behind. Can you call local churches? I am pretty sure most churches well help you out with bills, most in my area have some sort of assistance program for families. DH & I also pawn stuff when we're stuck. I am sending you a million hugs right now. mama, i don't have any words that i feel suffice. my heart breaks for you. i think you got some great advice from other mamas, and to reiterate what reverend mother said, you are GROSSLY underpaid by your employers. i would renegotiate your contract or start looking elsewhere. please let this community know how we can help you. i'm seen HM rally around other mamas in the past. this is a community that helps when and how it can. "Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity." now i'm going to cry again because you are all so amazing and beautiful and kind and loving....i can't even explain how much your support means to me. being a part of the hip mama community is a miracle and i am so lucky to have you all standing behind me. i'm also way grateful for the free laptop a friend recently gave me, and the fact that my neighbor is nice enough to let me filch his cable and wireless signal! at least i have away to stay in touch with you all. i was so exhausted last night that i was asleep before i even had the blanket pulled up around me. it's a good thing i cried so much and wore myself out or i probably would have been up all night freaking out and over-thinking. today i'm feeling a little less like the sky is falling, partly due to all of your kind words and wisdom, and partly because the girls and i just finished hula hooping and listening to the jonas brothers cd we just put on 'high school musical' here at work and i snuck away to check in with you guys while i'm getting some snacks. i just read over what you all had to say and am blown away by how much wisdom all of the mamas here have to share! we could put out our own book of mama-isms if we wanted to. unfortunately, i've already been down the food stamps/day care assistance/TANF road and now i manage to be making enough money that i don't qualify for any help, yet i'm not getting by on my own. i'm officially "falling between the cracks", and expression i never really had a grasp on until i found myself in my current situation. i am still part of the WIC program, thank god, because at least we can still get some basic groceries no matter what happens. peanut butter sandwiches and eggs might get boring after a while, but it'll keep us alive!! alright, i've gotta get back to disney musical torture right now but i'll check in again later. THANKYOU, MAMAS, FOR LOVING A STRANGER ENOUGH TO HELP KEEP HER AFLOAT WHEN SHE FEELS SHE IS DROWNING. xoxoxo Oh MM, I don't know what to say except for I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this shit. I wish I had advice or help to give, but I think the other mamas gave some great advice. I second checking out any and all assistance programs, I'm sure there are ones that you may not even know about yet. BleuRoo Handcrafted Sweetness Fuck your landlord. I think this is that moment for you. That moment when you realize you have to change things, and you look back on it later and think: That night sucked, but it got me to make those changes I needed. You can go to school. You can. I know I don't post here much anymore so you have no idea who I am, but I'm a single mom with two kids, I have been where you are- living in a cockroach apartment up late listening to the gunshots in the neighborhood, knowing I have to take my kids to a shitty daycare in the morning so I can work a shitty job, crying and crying. Right now I am just finishing up college and have already been hired for my first job teaching art in the fall. You can do it. For right now though- The electric company will split up your payment. They don't want to shut you off. The last time I was in this situation, they just had me pay 10% and then they split up the remaining amount by adding 10% of it onto the next 9 bills. And look into the Salvation Army energy assistance program in your area (if you tell me your state I will look things up for you). They will pay your gas or electric bill once a year in an emergency. And have you looked into WIC? Get on the list for section 8 housing near the place you want to go to school at, or look into student family housing on or near campus. Section 8 lets you choose any house and your payment is based on income. If you're in school they don't count grants and loans as income and your rent can be as low as $0. You obviously know about daycare assistance and food stamps and TANF-- You can get all that if you are in school. Enough to get by when you add it to housing assistance and loans and grants. Go to http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/ to see how much financial aid you can get. Don't worry about racking up the student loans if you need them. There is a government loan payback program that I'm on that bases your payments on income and forgives whatever isn't paid off after 25 years. Since I signed up for it my payment has always been zero. It will go up when I start teaching, but it will still be manageable. I'll add this list that I made up a while back for my other single mamas, it's a lot of repeating what I already mentioned above, but there might be something helpful on there: 1. Food stamps 2. TANF - cash assistance. Limited to 5 years total in your lifetime. 3. WIC- Food basics. Kind of annoying because they will weigh and do basic health tests on you and your kids. And you will have way too much peanut butter. But worth it if you don't qualify for food stamps. 4. Section 8 housing- This is the best thing ever. You can stay in your own home and pay as little as $25 rent based on your income. 5. Tax returns- Earned income credit, baby! Don't forget that most states also have their own version of the EIC, so file your state return too! Filing online is free if you go through the IRS free file link 6. LIEAP- Low income energy assistance program. Credits directly to your gas and electric bill once a year in January- Feb. Definitely worth it and easy to apply. May have a different name in your state. 7. Salvation Army will pay your heat bill once a year. Easy to apply. 8. Lifeline- This is a discount on a regular phone line and some cell companies will accept it. Based on income, usually will reduce your bill by 50%. 9. Child care assistance- apply at the same place you apply for food stamps 10. Medicaid- Medical for your kids and you if you are pregnant or on the TANF program. Apply where you would go for food stamps. 11. FAFSA- This is where you go to start your financial aid applications. Pell Grants are beautiful things. 12. Direct Loans- This is the federal student loan repayment plan that is based on income. It's wonderful. My monthly payment is $0. Whatever isn't paid off in 25 years is forgiven. You have to specifically ask for the INCOME CONTINGENT plan. i hope that everyone out there can take something useful from it. i know i've got alot to work with now; love and hugs and much feet-kissing to you, nomad! i never knew before that i could get section 8 housing in the house i live in now. i thought section 8 was special housing in pre-designated areas. i won't have a day off when state/town offices will also be open until tuesday, but i'm using every single second of that business day to GET DOWN TO FUCKING BUSINESS!!! i'm going to make a list based on all the ideas from these posts and then stop by whatever offices i need to; i will not rest until i am finished. i am getting really psyched up right now and am feeling (dare i say it??) incredibly hopeful that i can fix this situation and make some lemonade out of these lemons i'm juggling!! I CAN DO THIS. i had a friend use modest needs and it took a while for the help to arrive. but she sure was happy to be able to pay her medical bill and get the help she needed. apply for modest needs ASAP!! great list, nomad! Check out my daily photo journal: It is ok for our kids to see us cry because it helps them to understand the reality of the situation. If everything in my life feels out of control, my kids don't know that and their behavior might stay the same (fighting, not being helpful, etc)... but if I break down and cry because it is all too much, they get it and something in them switches and they are suddenly helpful and consoling and understanding that something big is going on. I think this is an important lesson for kids. They can know we are strong, but we are also human and everyone needs to cry every now and then. It really is ok. Alright, as for your bills. I'm not sure what state you are in so you might need to go online or make some phone calls to research BUT I am pretty sure you have more time than you think. First, call the electric company and let them know your situation. Tell them that you have a baby (not sure how old though and I don't know the cut off age) because if you have a child under a certain age, they will not turn off your power. Here it used to be 5 I thought, but now it is 1. Then read up on you tenant rights for your state. Again, if you have a young child then it could take a long time for you to actually be kicked out of your place once you are evicted. I'm talking 6 months+ possibly. It will depend on whether or not you have a lease and your state laws around it. I really wish we could help you. What do the other mamas think?? Check out my daily photo journal: hang tight darlin - everyone here loves you. i've encluded you in my channeling, consider yourself covered spiritually. i'm feeling you babe, we all are. you're doing an excellent job, and you know what? i hate your landlord, and i hope that a giant hammer comes down and smashes her face in the morning when she opens her door! (no doubt a psychic hammer already has!). nobody has the right to talk to you like that period. it's not anyone's business what you do, and being a single parent doesn't give someone the leeway to open up ANY of your personal doors! (whether you owe them money or not!). that shit was plain mean spirited! what a douche! i'm a single mom, and what we all accomplish in a 24 hour period is nothing short of a miracle. hang in there, don't give up, help will come. think about the things you want in your life, and doors will open, i promise. in the heat of it, i know how challenging it is to stay focused, and there's nothing wrong with crying. i can relate to what you said, because sometimes i cry in my bathroom and my kids know when i'm doing it! think about what you've accomplished in your life and how far you've come. you were right to take a vacation, EVERYONE deserves to have fun and enjoy their life. joy isn't forgotten, especially on single parents. i'm going to treat myself to a madonna show in november, right before i turn 36. what do you want for yourself? where do you see your life going? you can have it all, you need too! keep dreaming big, even when the chips seem down, you're able to see and feel light. i'm here if you need me, i can help. believe in yourself and your ability to provide for your family. you do it everyday, nothing can stop you. love, dc p.s. - remember: i'm a masculine woman who used the men's room today! fuck! i felt entitled to it! if the women's restroom is on lock down, and i'm expected to handle my families business, work 40 hours a week, pack an-instant dick and use it when it's needed, then i think the men's room is the place for me! man, it stunk bad in there! i love you! the asian le femme nikita with an open heart chakra! *whew!* you make me smile. and i love how inspiring you always are in all your posts and responses! what would we do without you?? "believe in yourself and your ability to provide for your family. you do it everyday, nothing can stop you." thankyou for that, honey, i was forgetting that i'm never going to let anything stop me. but i remember now!! can you feel the love? seriously, you're surrounded by pure light, and it can only get better each second, minute, hour and day. we love you, period. i was up late last night and channeled to you, and covered you three times today. keep focusing on the positive, like you are. it's the only way up! forever dc the asian le femme nikita with an open heart chakra! *whew!* my tears are picking up where yours left off...i'm crying for your beautiful honesty and because i know how you feel and i hope you can feel my supportive energy surrounding your exhausted being. i wish this energy could embrace you and protect you, your daugther, me, my daughter and all mamas and children from dealing with these challenging moments, but it can't...i hope you are receiving a sleep that is deeply restful as crying can wear the body and mind out...tears are cleansing (on the bright side?) and i hope you wake up feeling refreshed and lighter and in a better place...after holding back these weeks. i too wish i saw my mom break down more often...and i think it is so sweet that your daughter wanted to nurture you and kiss you and cuddle you! how loving is that?! she will so greatly respect your honesty and you are letting her know that it is okay to show your emotions! i understand too how much you want to be strong and not let her know when you're struggling...that's how i feel with my daughter too, but actually, after reading your post, i think i'll let her see me cry a bit more often. we are human, in fact - you are a super human - doing all of this on your own! i am sending you so much strength and love and support and blessings for a better day filled with luck, happiness and pleasure. i wish i could take your stress and sadness away, but know that as long as your daughter is with you, she is safe - she is happy! and so well cared for...you are doing an amazing job and i admire your strength!! i know your daughter does too...even if she's too little to understand it yet - but right now i am crying good tears, tears of relief and gratitude at your kind, understanding words. i just read this for the first time right now and combined with all the other positive vibes here, i'm overwhelmed. i think i'll sleep like a baby again tonight, right after i'm done crying like one....! I wish that my mom had broken down more around me. I think when we try too hard to handle it all in front of our children, it perpetuates the idea that they must also be able to handle it without breaking down. I applaud you for being there for her even in the midst of such overwhelming struggles. By watching you, she will know that we can go to the depths and still rise up out of them. You have shown her that your love is a constant. I wish you were not going through this. I have lived in shitty roach filled apartments, I have had my electricity turned off, I have been evicted... but I never had to do it with a child. I'd be freaking too. thankyou, e. you have been such a great friend to me since i started hanging around here at HM and i'm lucky to have you to support me, for like the 10th time! don't you get tired of all my drama?!?! jesus, between BD drama, lonliness drama, and broke-freaking-out drama i could have my own lifetime movie. hey, that'd make me some quick cash! i'll write a screenplay, and tori spelling can play me when the movie comes out. drama... life, it's all connected. And so are the good things. I'd say write a book, but a screenplay sounds like a lot more fun! But Tori spelling? She just had a baby and I think is busy trying to do a 90210 reunion. Who could we use, hmmm.... let's aim big - I say Julia Roberts It's okay for her to know that strong women need to break down sometimes, and where better than in private and in the arms of the one you love most in the world? i work mon/thurs/fri 9-6 and weds 9-4. i nanny for two families that live next door to each other, three kids in each house. they're all cousins so now that it's summer they all hang outside together. watching all 6 of them and making sure none of them are in the pool, in the street, on the roof, is pretty consuming and leaves little time to watch the baby, too. so she hangs with my mom on mondays, goes to daycare on weds/thurs, and comes with me on fridays. i have considered saving myself the $80/wk i pay for daycare but wonder if the moms at work would go for it; they've complained before that they've noticed less laundry gets done on the days that monkeygirl is here with me and i worry that they would feel she'd be taking away from my work here. i could argue that being the only person who does laundry in either house isn't exactly fair, but i'm not trying to make waves here, you know? Less laundry gets done???? LESS LAUNDRY???? You have 6 kids you're looking after! For freak's sake. And for little money. They may not know it or be doing it purposefully but they are taking advantage. If they can't be a little more flexible, allow you to have monkeygirl there with you, then I think you *should* move on. I know - well you know more than I - how scary that is, bird in the hand and all. I'm not being very helpful, I know. But just wanted to add my voice to the chorus-- you deserve better than this!!!! And in general, I'm sending you so many many many VIBES. I have zero practical advice but lots of love heading out to you. And like all the other mamas have said, try not to feel too bad about letting monkeygirl see you cry. I had a mother who was strong (edited: by which I mean she never let us kids see her cry; I realized belatedly that strength comes in all different guises and crying/showing emotion is just a different kind of strength; but my mom defined strong = not crying, so that's my default!) ALL the time and I grew up thinking this meant that I was weak for crying. That's not quite right, you know? Crying is part of life, struggle is part of life, as are joy and laughter, she can share that all with you, little as she is. You are a wonderful wonderful wonderful mama. Don't let anyone - from your fucked-up landlord to that evil little voice that lives inside all of us - tell you otherwise!!! VIBES!!!!! you always have just the right words for any situation that arises around here. i vote that you change your name to owl, as in "wise, young-"! you are going to be an absolutely amazing mother, turtle. the wee one is very lucky.... for watching 6 kids in your neighborhood? Because I think that you are grossly underpaid. No day care should would watch so many kids for so little. I have one child and have a nanny and we pay her $14 an hour when she has only him and $9.50 and hour when we share with one other child (whose family also pays $9.50 an hour then.) We give her two weeks of paid vacation, paid sick days, and, of course, we pay her when we are on vacation. That's just fair. If you pay $40 per day for your one child in day care (and consider that cheap) don't you think that your families should be paying you at least that (especially with laundry)? That comes to at least $240 per day - and quite frankly I think you are worth more than that. 6 kids AND laundry for $11 an hour?? These women are taking serious advantage of you, the least they can do is let you bring your baby to work. "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?" i get paid $15/hr. and i'm not 'technically' with all 6 kids all day because there's a parent home at 1 house at all times, but i always end up with all 6 anyway, with someone occasionally yelling out the window for them to stop fighting. blech. i started working for these families in february and they told me when i was hired that i could qualify for a raise after 6 months, which brings us to the middle of august before i could (possibly) see any more money. i do have some issues with my job, since (as i mentioned) i am THE ONLY ONE who ever does laundry in either house. i do approximately 20 loads of laundry per week, including folding and putting away, and somehow i manage to keep the kids alive, too. i also do all the dishes since i always walk into a disaster in the kitchen each morning. i am underapreciated and underpaid, but happy to have a job that accomodates my schedule with the baby, so i'm afraid to make too much of a stink about it. i hate my job sometimes but at least i have one! |
hey, look at that, i just smiled!!
A lot of vibes for you and hundreds of hugs!