How I would describe myself these days, and this isn't to say I've always been this way or always will be this way...

I’m not really the home-maker type. I am, however, a homebody. I have a naturally lazy disposition. I don't get bored very easily and enjoy the mundane. I don't sew. I don't do crafts. I don't cook. Its not that I never do these things, but it is safe to say that I'm not doing them everyday. I watch a lot of TV when my kids are sleeping. And when they are awake, I have many-of-moments where I ignore them, opting to spend time writing and reading on-line blogs. It is my form of daily respite. I also have many of days where I turn into a big kid and play freeze-tag and dinosaurs all afternoon. Though, if you were to ask Max, that hasn't been happening enough this summer.

I also complain. A lot.

Lately I’ve been wondering What am I going to do after both my kids are in school? I love to write but am not looking to further my education in writing. For me, writing is a sanctuary that can’t be enriched or touched by a higher education or money. If someone wants to pay me for writing, I would do that in a heartbeat. I will not, however, go to school for it.

I have been feeling pretty depressed about my future. I’m a mom, yes, and THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME. I will (of-course) always be a mom. I love doing what I’m doing right now, but will I ever find something else that I love as much as mothering? What about in five years? What will I be doing then? I’m going to have SO MUCH FREE TIME when the kids are both in school. Sometimes I think I'll just sleep. Got lots of that to catch up on. But I know when it comes down to it, after I have taken a few days to rest during my child-free afternoons, I’m going to need something more meaningful to do than sleep.

Having children has made me feel like work needs to provide me with more than an income. This has placed a new form of pressure on my job expectations. Before kids, I was content just making money and hanging out with friends spending said money. I had no direction and was comfortable with that. Now, after four years of mothering and the past year agonizing about what else I should do with my life, I need direction.

But... What could I possibly do with my time that is half as meaningful as this time I’m spending with my babies?

I don’t want to go back to the soul sucking career of retail management. Not even if it is back to the book world of retail (my life before children). No thank you. I’d rather sell my soul to the Republicans.

I have wanted to be a doula since giving birth to Max. I pride myself on being a “birth junkie.” I love birth stories, supporting women during their journey into motherhood and providing useful information, but I know this won’t make for a steady paycheck. For a while, I didn’t care about that. I figured it was my dream to support women in labor and by gawd, I’m going to do it no-matter-what.

Well, the reality of being a working class family has set in and I realize that I need to steadily contribute to the financial success of my family. Hey, I married a librarian, not a doctor. And thank the stars for that wise decision. I can totally see myself living a life of lazy luxury and on my death bed wishing I’d contributed more to the human race. That is, more than my money in tips at fancy hotels and restaurants. I admit, I have dreams of lazy luxury vacations and living the easy life.

I’ve never been the go-getter, type A, busy bee kind of person. I figure not being born rich or marrying rich is a gift - not that I’m opposed to making or winning butt-loads of money. Anyway, I think you get my drift.

I have always fashioned myself an armchair revolutionary with short bouts of activism.

I have purposely put off doing anything but mothering my children throughout their formative years. It feels luxurious to stay home with them. Quite the privilege in my book.

So, wow, what the fuck can I do when my kids are both in school???

I’m going back to school!

To become a public health official, or something of that nature. I want to focus on changing the framework with which OB’s and hospitals work in. I want to help make the midwifery model of care the common way our country views birth. I dream of affecting policy. Doing research. Telling a room full of doctors that BIRTH IS NORMAL. Like taking a shit. Normal.

I want to help change hospital policy to incorporate the midwifery model of care so that women who feel safer in that environment can birth there and still get quality care. Quality care in my book is honest care. This means NO UNNECESSARY INTERVENTIONS - even when you’re begging for the hard drugs. In my grandiose dreams, I will be hated by many but appreciated when its all said and done.

In my opinion...

OB’s need a different role in birth. Their schooling needs to include a deep respect for natural birth and the midwifery philosophy of birth. OB’s should be trained to treat pregnancy and birth as a natural physiological function. Their training should focus on medical interventions, high risk cases that need medical attention, AND the midwifery model of care. You know, so they can properly care for the majority of the pregnant population who are categorized as "low risk."

In fact, low risk women DON’T NEED a trained surgeon to attend their birth (AKA: show up to catch the baby and collect a paycheck). Midwives are better suited for this role. Yes, giving birth comes with a special set of needs. Midwives have proven time and time again that pregnant woman need little, if no, intervention. And when intervention is needed, they have a system of "lesser to greater" that is followed, as opposed to an OB's reaction to go straight to the greatest interventions of all: drugs and major abdominal surgery.

In my opinion, all low risk births - whether in a hospital, home, or birthing home - should be attended by a midwife or an OB who follows the midwifery model of care.

Most women can birth their babies on their own, thankyouverymuch.

And for the pregnant population who do need medical support/attention, they deserve the care, respect, honor, and empowerment from an OB that the low risk population receives from the midwifery model of care. OB’s should be treating high risk patients with the midwifery model of R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Oh, there's more...

There should be beds in the NICU for mommas to nurse their sick babies - or so that they can be right next to them when-ever they want. Every hospital should have a Ronald McDonald House next door for parents of sick children. Lactation consultants should be paid for by the state or insurance. Everyone should receive on-going breast feeding support.

Women who can not or do not want to nurse their babies should continue to be given cultural and practical support.

Oh my, so much in our country needs to change before it is truly supportive of mothers, father, and children. Where to begin? I most likely will gravitate toward maternity health care policy.

Another angle would be to work with insurance companies. They can put pressure on the hospitals to use less expensive and unnecessary interventions that typically lead to c-sections. However, I'm not so sure about working with an insurance company unless I was part of a team of folks who felt the same way about birth as me.

Anyhow… I’ve always had this dream of fucking shit up from the inside. Maybe I'm not destine to be an armchair revolutionist for my entire life.

It all starts with getting my degree at USF.