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Getting the Arguments Down to Minimum...?Submitted by Resolution on Thu, 05/29/2008 - 12:36pm.
...I blogged awhile back re: my kids arguing, especially my oldest son. I think I finally figured out how to get it down to a minimum, but I dunno if this is "ok": I laid down the law two mornings ago, telling them all, "If you decide to argue, Mama isn't talking to you until you can talk to me without fighting. I will be happy to tell you guys WHY I am doing things, but I will not fight about it anymore. You can talk to each other normally or to me normally, or not at all." Is this too harsh? I don't like the idea of walking away from them, but I hate the idea of fighting and being mean even more. I have given them the alternatives...and for the last two days, it has been quite peaceful. If they start to fight with each other or with me, I remind them of the rule and walk away. They respond well immediately and seem to resolve the conflict on their own...obviously, my youngest is having more issues with it, but he's 2, so I expect it... Just trying to see if I should tweek it more and explain it better or differently...hopefully, this will be a more permanent thing. My parents were yellers, my mom more so than my dad, and I wasn't much of an argumentative child, but GOD, when I was a teenager...it must've been awful for my parents. I had a horrible temper, and sometimes I still do (I think a person's temper is learned and hereditary) and the habits are harder to break once learned. My oldest two are 5, so I know this is an assertion of independent thinking, and I DO encourage that...but when you have as many kids as I do, I think it can be a survival of the fittest kind of thing. Rules are rules, and I am willing to bend if I am in the wrong, but what I've been trying to get them to understand is that I will not compromise on certain things until it is more appropriate age-wise. I hate it too when I figure out a solution to these kinds of things only to be smacked down again...but that is the give and take of parenting. It's definitely made me think of my own habits more Thank you Mamas! I think if it works, it works! I also refuse to argue with Max. If he doesn't like what I'm telling him, he is free to tell me why. I even will change my mind if what he is saying makes sense to me. He's only three. How old is your oldest? I think it takes more than one person to argue so as long as I remain the "adult" in the situation, it won't escalate. I think what you are doing sounds great. Just to throw it out there, and you probably already know this, but remember what works now may not work in a year (or less). Just a reminder because I know how frustrated it is to have a method working and then my child finds a way around or through it! You are doing a great job at navigating through this mothering business! All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860) And that you're one child is 2 is perfect, because this is when he starts learning habits like this. Yeah, I do the same. I don't speak to my son about anything while he's upset. I tell him if he wants to cry to go to his room or some other place where it won't bother anyone, and if he wants to talk to me when he's calm I'll be here. That way he doesn't feel like he's in trouble and he also knows that I DO want to talk to with him. It does NO GOOD to try to have a conversation or solve a problem when people are angry. This is the perfect time to learn those habits! Good work mama, I wouldn't change a thing. One bit of warning though: stick with it. It's gonna take a while for it to kick in. I started out doing this same thing when Marc was a toddler, as he seemed to have a quick temper, and it was about a year or more before it finally became a habit for the both of us. I still have to remind him not to yell at me sometimes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I really like what you are saying about not getting into yelling matches being a habit. I am always worried about "the next stage" of my kid's development and how I will deal with their anger (and mine). But you are so right, what we are teaching them now will last a lifetime. And even if we have to tweak our methods, what they originally learned was GOLD, so it will all be OKAY. Thanks mama! All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860) |
Mine is 2 1/2 and I have found that if I don't respond to his yelling/hitting than it does not last very long. I do walk away from him when he hits and he is getting the message. I am always there when he needs the aftermath cuddle and kisses but engaging when he is in the process is a huge mistake. I can be a yeller (get you on the learning from your parents!) so I am working on myself in this process as well.
Funny I was talking with a friend about this last night! We were discussing how sometimes that we have to remind ourselves that WE are the adults in the situation and the calmer we are the easier it is on everyone. But man is it easy to become a toddler and have a tantrum right along side of them!
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