Today i should've been half way to my very first happy mother's day. Or my first day as a mother anyway. I should be four and a half months pregnant, finally past the point when you can start telling people.
But at my first obstetricians appointment they did an ultrasound. I had read what to expect when you're expecting, and expected full well to see a tiny little worm with a speck of a heart. But we saw nothing, a black hole where i had made a tiny little home for nobody.
And they said it was too soon to tell, and that maybe i just wasn't far enough along. So for two weeks i walked around with a half broken half hopeful heart and a question mark in my uterus.
When we went back the black hole had only gotten smaller. They told me that i could wait for a spontaneous abortion or come in to get one provoked. I set the appointment for a week later. They checked me into the maternity ward right next to the room where they bathe the babies, and put misoprostil in my cunt.
They said that in an hour or two i would have pain like a heavy period and then the pregnancy would all come out in a gush and it would be over, and i could go home the next day. Instead i had the worst cramps of my life and nothing came out for hours until finally at four in the morning i had full blown screaming pillow biting contractions, to spray strange streams of black goo.
In the morning they took me to an ultrasound room where some cold asshole of a doctor shoved an ultrasound wand in my still aching insides without a word of kindness, and looked at me with disdain when i grunt howled at the pain of it. Told me that the pregnancy hadn't all come out and we'd have to do a d and c to promptly disappeared before i could ask him any questions and only reappeared in the operating room AFTER they had sedated me and i was nodding off. He was gone when i woke up.
Then three days later i got married and went through the morning ceremony and long lunch and mingling with the inlaws who didn't know anything about anything. Smiling smiling smiling, and actually pretty happy because it was my wedding day after all.
And most of the time i am fine. I know that i am meant to be a mother and that it is just a question of time. I can feel it in my bones, and i am soooo ready, but everything happens for a reason and it just must not have been meant to be. I accept that.
But sometimes my stomach jumps up, swallows my heart, they spontaneously combust and become a thorny brick of black as and sink into my bowels-leaving a burning hole in my center. That's how visceral it hurts.
Ánd Dh doesn`t understand, because although he was getting used to the idea- he was never as into the parenting idea as me- and he wants to have kids after a long line of financial ¨ifs¨ are cleared out in his mind... and i know that although it hurt him some, losing that pregnancy was a little bit like a pardon to him. He got out of jail free, and he tries to be supportive to me, but he doesn't really get it, and he's just not sure how.
So it's mothers day, and really i was fine all day. I didn't give it a second thought. But right now, for the half hour it takes to write this blog. I feel like my baby died, and i am not all right.
I feel like a childless mother.
My whining time over it's time to let the feeling pass through me and go to bed smiling smiling smiling... I am a newly wed after all.