i have applied to two abortion clinics in the last two days that are hiring counselors. one of them required that applicants write a cover letter explaining why you are interested in the position, and why you think you would be a good candidate.
so, i wrote that and then found the thread that sophiesworld posted. so rather than continue to hijack, i thought, let's talk about abortion.
i have had two, both in highschool, both without a bit of hesitation. not only was it the wrong time for me, but i knew that the wrong people were the sperm donors. i have also had a miscarriage, that i knew was a miscarriage. there may have been one other, but that is a moot point. i only identify it in retrospect, at the time, i never thought of it. then, i spotted with vincent. at that point, it occurred to me, late one night, maybe you wasted the two times your body was supposed to be pregnant and now you are just fucked. that sounded like nonsense in my head the next morning, but in that tearful three am anxiety ridden moment, i think i second guessed my abortions. also, when it occurs to me that i would have a 20 year old and an 19 year old or therabouts (didn't keep track of the abortion dates), i feel both relief, and then of course now that i actually am a mom, i think, shit, i coulda done it. then i think of the certain deadbeat heroin addicted deeply flawed human beings that would be half of those imaginary kids genetics and i shudder and i am very thankful in that moment for roe v. wade ending up the way it did.
my first abortion, my mom and my boyfriend went with me. i was a sophomore in highschool, so i was 15 or 16, can't remember. we both used drugs. neither one of us wanted to have a baby. it wasn't traumatic for me, it hurt, yeah, but i figured it should. kind of a secular penance for being reckless. and i do think i was reckless, i mean, i had a functioning reproductive system and i was having sex. so i was on the pill. big deal, you can always get pregnant if ou have the parts and you have sex. i knew that.
the next time it happened, i felt like a slut. why? well, because of my programming, catholic school and italian american and well, just in general. like, once was ok but twice? you slut. i didn't tell my mom that time. my boyfriend took me. i felt more irresponsible that time, like, what did we learn from our last abortion, class? nothing apparently! so, it was number two.
the pregnancy that i miscarried was unplanned, and again, in a way i am just plain grateful that it didn't work out, cause the thought of seeing any ghosts of my ex husband's face every day in the face of mu child, well, again let's just say i am grateful that isn't something i am dealing with now.
i think that this probably sounds like an affront to mamas who have made the opposite decision, to keep pregnancies that originated in situations that were not ideal, or wound up badly. like, oh, easy for punkmama to sit there and monday uterus quarterback about her sound reproductive decisions. bitch. and i get that. if i had not miscarried with my ex, for example, i am sure that i would be dealing with it just fine, just like the rest of us mamas deal with whatever we need to for our kids. so i don't mean to sound smug, is what i am trying to say. \
anyway, of course i think that each person should be allowed to feel however she wants to feel about her decisions, reproductive and otherwise. but what can we do to allow ourselves and each other that space without globalizing it, without changing laws and hurting feelings and invalidating others? i recognize that my lack of regret about my abortions is mine, and other mama's feelings are theirs. i am not about to get into any more debates about whose feelings are legit and whose are not, i maintain that all of our feelings are legit, if not on a sociopolitical level, at least on an individual experiential level.
so what do you all think? what are your histories/thoughts/opinions? like, do you think fathers should have a say in whether a woman aborts? (i don't) what do you think about parental notification laws? (i think they are dangerous and harmful) how do you feel about your choices, if you have made any other then choosing to become a mama?
discuss.