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Is dh expecting too much from his 10 year old sister?Submitted by Emile on Fri, 01/19/2007 - 3:10pm.
Just a few days before dh turned 30, his father and the father's second wife had a baby girl, giving him a sister 30 years younger than himself. The father and his family lived in the Ukraine, and dh never met his sister until she was 7, when he went to Odessa to say goodbye to his father who was dying of cancer. Since then, he has had a close relationship with his sister and her mother, speaking to them at least once a week, sending gifts and sometimes money (the Ukraine is doing terribly economically, and his father's widow makes about $120 a month as a nurse's aide), and he has been to visit them and his other relatives in the city twice more since the trip to say goodbye to his dad, most recently a year and a half ago. He has been planning on going again this September. but that's neither here nor there. my honest opinionis that he should not give her the laptop, even if he can afford to fly first class to deliver it on a jewel-encrusted plate. because that's a really extravagant a gift for any 10 year old, even my own, if i had one. but i don't blame her for asking. she's ten. and all she really knows is her brother lives in america and must be rich, because all americans are probably rich in her eyes. and i seriously doubt she's the only one without one in her class. but again, she's ten so i don't blame her for claiming she is. my neice is 10 and i know if i asked her to chose between me visitng her, which i do often and she enjoys it tons, and me buying her a laptop, or an iPod, hell, even wheelies, i know she'd "have to think about it." I feel his pain. That is rough. I think he shouldn't get her the laptop, basically just because I am averse to children having their own computers. but more importantly I think it sets a precedent for her to ask him for expensive gifts. I can't imagine my kids asking for such an expensive gift. why did she feel ok to ask him that, because he is American? I think he was expecting a little too much from a 10 year old. Not that she doesn't value family but his perspective is different as a grown man trying to connect with his little sister when their father is dead. I would be hurt too... Yes, I'm afraid you're right. A detail that has since emerged is that she has been teased in her class, with the other kids saying "if you have such a cool big brother in America, then why hasn't he sent you a laptop". This makes me feel so sad for her. You are also right to pick up on dh's feelings being intensified because their father is dead. I think he feels he has to be so much more to her than just a distant brother because of that, so it hurts that much more when she seems to reject him. I will try to point out to him that his perspective is different. But it is expecting too much conversationally. I can't speculate on whether or not she's really the only kid without a laptop. However, when presented with the option of getting what you've been really wanting forever vs. losing something that doesn't matter much day to day, a 10 year old is not going to realize the effects of rejecting the visit to the brother's feelings in time to say "Of course I'd rather you came" conversationally. If Tony had a similar conversation with someone, I'd expect him to say the same thing she said. Then, when he talked to me, I'd be all "Oh, no. That turned out rude, do you see why?" and he'd see it and feel bad, but it's a learning curve. A 10 year old needs a few years to learn that people's feelings need to be spared NOW and things asked for LATER. ***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. *** I mean, maybe it will be a lesson for her, but that kind of emotional intelligence probably isn't going to develop any sooner for her because of this. I feel bad for the sister that DH, however unintentionally, set her up to disappoint him. Her mom called back a little later, apologizing profusely. I'm sure there have been a lot of tears over this. but wanted to add: do they have a computer at all? In all my travels the one thing people everywhere want is some kind of computer access. And you'd be surprised how many people have them (in Cuba/Guatemala is where I'm more familiar). Mostly much older, refurbished models...I wonder also if the mom didn't put the idea in her head? Finally, for a 10 year old, I'm guessing seeing someone once a year (seems like?) she may not consider him that close...I mean think about the difference to her daily life right? I guess I'm saying cut her some slack too, but if he did bring a laptop I would make it a gift for the family, not just for her birthday... Yes, I agree with you absolutely. I mean, forget about her having her own personal laptaop, but growing up without computer skills and internet access these days can be a real setback, and it would be a good thing for the mom too. He probably is going to end up getting a refurbished laptop, and I will suggest that he make a point of saying that it's for the family, not just for her. I don't think so. It doesn't sound like the economy would support that kind of thing at all. Sounds like she is trying to sell him on the idea and milk him for all she can get. Which children will of course do. This is a hard one but I would definitely not buy the laptop, definitely not. Maybe they want something they can sell. He should explain to her that it is something she will have to work for herself (when she is older) and that he is definitely still going to visit. It is a pity that he pitted the two against each other - the visit and the laptop but I don't think it is too late to take back that comment. It's really hard to believe. I keep saying this to DH, but he pretty much takes her word for it. And yet, he's the one who's been there and keeps telling me how difficult things are, and tells stories about seeing former university professors selling flowers on the streets because they couldn't live on their salaries. oh mama yes. all she knows is she is the only kid in class without a laptop. could be find a refurbished or just plain used one? that would be way cheaper. Jessica Ditto! I have an 11 year old brother and after getting piles and piles of shit for christmas and a brand fucking new computer with a flat screen monitor he was still ass hurt that he didn't get a new playstation game.. pre-puberty = stupidity and short sightedness for the most part.. Ya kinda have to pick and choose your battles. Join us!! www.hippyinthecity.com He did give her the choice. You should never kids a choice that could hurt you or go against what you really want. Maybe he needs to tell her that he really wants to come visit and see her so he would prefer to give her another gift. Check out my daily photo journal: This was a really helpful comment for me meeshel; it helps me see that what is really bothering me about this situation is not so much dh's relationship with his sister (although of course I care about that too), but the fact that dh has displayed a lack a mature parental sense of how to deal with children and how to respond to them, and I'm worried about how this will affect our sons when they get old enough to be articulate, but not old enough to pick up on every jokey and ironic nuance in what he says (unfortunately, dh prides himself on his humor...). DH is a trusted adult in her life, and since he presented it to her as a choice, she would, at her age, take what he says at face value and assume that any choice he gave her was a valid one. I'm also afraid that he was, perhaps unconsciously, fishing for an ego massage, getting all ready to hear "oh, of course it's more important to see you". Sigh. I feel like I have to talk to him about this, but I'm going to have to figure out how to do it without coming across like I'm attacking him. I find that only kid without one hard to swallow too.. I mean hell she's 10 and she lives in Ukraine.. Um somehow I think she's overstating it. Shit I'm 28 and don't even own a laptop. Join us!! www.hippyinthecity.com ds is 6, so if this keeps up, i'll have to put our laptop under lock and key within the next couple of years or he'll take it when i'm not looking. wow, children grow up fast. This is where I kinda suck.. Everyone in the house has their own computer Me, Dh, and yes Xan has one too.. But DH is a programmer and til I became mama extrordiaire I was a hardware techie. So our house is a computer graveyard I could easily piece together at least 3-4 working machines and we even have 5 laptops that just need harddrives. Join us!! www.hippyinthecity.com not tell DH that or he'll be digging thru your house before you know it! He's planning to build his new computer right now. About the laptop for your DH's little sister, I definitely wouldn't purchase one yet. I just can't wrap my head around the idea of her being the ONLY kid in her class without one. Sorry. |
Everyone has a laptop? I doubt it. Your dh's choice to her was not fai rseeing how she's 10 Hell, I probably would have sent my daddy packing for a pony back then. She sounds like a normal 10 year old, "but EVERYONES got one!"
That said, do they have internet? Can they get it? Maybe, a craigslist used one for the family at most. Just try to remind your dh, she's 10!