Oh - the guilt...
I was supposed to go out for a downtown Happy Hour with my best friend last night. We both work in the same area of the city but just haven't ever had the opportunity to get together for some girl time outside of our homes/neighborhood/regular haunts. The plans had been in the works for a couple of weeks.
She was pretty keyed about it. I was less than enthused.
Obviously with the positive pregnancy test I didn't feel like tossing back a few. Beyond that, though, is this friend's own complicated fertility issues. We've been friends for 10 years and during this time she's had 5 miscarriages. She also had one before I knew her. She does have one daughter who is 10. We've both had fertility issues; I think I was a safer person for her to talk to. I've held her while she cried and I've snarked behind people's backs when we were both green with envy at their pregnancies.
So, I wanted to tell her but I didn't want to cause her harm. I know how deep it cut sometimes to hear someone else's pregnancy news.
I was talking to my husband about it and he gave me an idea. Now, I don't want to make like this is all his doing cuz' it's not. I'm the one who did it.
As we met, she ordered a glass of wine and I ordered a water. She asked what was up. I just told her, "I'm late. Do ya think I could be pregnant?" I tried to be casual and off-hand. Breezy. We would always joke about that with each other because it was such a distant possibility for either of us, you know?
Well she was so excited. She insisted we go to pharmacy to buy a test. I took it into the bathroom and peed. Yep, positive again. She was jumping up down and hugging me and had tears in her eyes. I would swear she was more excited than me (probably because I am way freaked at the news). I told her sincerely, how sorry I was that it wasn't her. She told me it was "really okay" and that she was super excited and that it was going to be so much fun for us and that she would help me.
Then, she said, "Oh - you have to call John and tell him."
So, I don't know if making her feel a part of it helped soften the blow or if she is really hiding how she feels. And maybe there isn't anything I can do to make her feel better about this. My intention wasn't mean - I didn't want to deceive her - but I did and I feel like shite. I truly love and care about this friend I feel like I paid her back with dishonesty and by being a jerk.
My intention all along was to tell her about it someday. I think she'd get a good laugh about it...
Actually, as I read through all of this, I am reminded about how deceptive I was when I was pregnant as a teen. It is bringing back a lot of those memories/feelings and really making me feel yucky.