So Cycle One would be an official no go. Suck-ola. (A bit here about the crazy interactions between the fertility drugs with my psych meds: was told my shrink, fertility guru, and pharmacist that there would be none. Bullsh*t. As every mama knows, brains and bodies connect through chemistry and when hormone meets neurotransmitter sparks fly.)

Now Cycle Two is a little wonky. No Clomid for me this time around because it turns out for some reason (perhaps because God hates me and my cycles are only 24 days long). Short story is I have three follicles "leftover" from last cycle that are producing Estrogen which means I've got plenty of action in that department without a kick-start from Clomid. However, instead of the leftover follicles kicking it in some Tupperware or a Ziplock or something, they have become cysts - a common side effect. So waiting to hear today whether we do an HcG trigger to prompt the release of the follicles today or tomorrow, which was the plan as a result of this morning's ultra-sound. Which would mean I would force ovulation prematurely. Whatever. I try to keep up, keep track but DH and I have already decided things will be different next month.

We committed to three cycles of fertility treatment and then to assessing where we're at in terms of the whole process. So Cycle Three we're doing Clomid and then instead of timed intercourse, we're going with artificial insemination. We got the deluxe insurance package for a limited time only folks, so we're gonna use it to the max.

At this point, I am feeling the following:
- Anxious about the conception process, but less desperate than before and content to be patient
- Shocked at my physical responses to artificial Estrogen & Progesterone (Not totally necessary, just a booster to the process, so NOT doing it EVER again, or until Menopause)
- Tricked by the false signals of pregnancy my body sends during my two week wait due to the fertility treatments and also the false confidence exuded by the fertility guru
- Sad that I am experiencing this alone (in real life at least); my mother and I no longer have contact and all my girlfriends have already done their breeding or are facing fertility issues themselves
- Angry when each health care professional defers recommendations or answers to my questions to a provider in a different discipline. In this day and age when so many women are treated for mental health AND fertility issues, seems like SOMEONE should step up to the plate and figure out how this thing's gonna go down without harming mama or baby.

But at the end of the day I am mostly proud of how DH and I are enduring (and thriving) given all the lifestyle changes we have undergone this past year. I am more myself than I have ever been. (F*ck, it's about time - I'm 36 next month.)

DH and I believe our baby already exists in some space, just chilling until the right time to join us. Maybe s/he's got wisdom about a prudent arrival date that we're not aware of, and if so, then that's definitely MY baby and I don't mean maybe.

Second week of Prometrium is taking it's toll and it's only Monday. Even with all my Bipolar meds, the breakthru depression is killing me. And DH. Part of me thinks that this would be my PMS week anyway and if I'm not pregnant then I'm just subjecting myself and everyone around me to a double whammy of hormones. (Sorry if I've splattered any on you, I've been letting it fly on average of every 2 hours.)

But another part of me thinks that this is what we signed up for, this is why I'm using my time on disability to do something I wouldn't be able to handle if I was working full time. Mostly though, I just want to throw myself a big pity party. It goes like this: I wish I had a paying writing gig instead of letting my creative juices rot / Why bother developing my own projects when they're never good enough to sell / I miss my mother even though I haven't talked to her since the wedding which she made every effort to ruin as is her sick borderline way / Why do I have to sacrifice my sanity to make a baby when I've already lost three angels / Etc.

I think I'm going to stop the Prometrium tomorrow if there is no improvement. Home test on July 4th, blood test on July 5th. If I had to narrow down all the noise of my bipolar over-thinking, it would be that I have so much hope in my heart that every baby I've lost has nearly killed me and I pray that each cycle of fertility treatment doesn't go the same.

At least I am blessed with the fur babies who are literally licking away my tears as I write this.

This is our first full cycle of fertility treatment. I did 5 days of Clomid at 100 mg - and lost my short term memory and my ability to drive. (Sorry DH for the dent in your car.) Then my DH gave me a shot of HcG subcutaneously, which didn't hurt at all until a few days afterward when it hurt like a motherf*cker - seriously, with every step I took my belly ached. The shot was mid-schedule of timed intercourse and I felt my left ovary release the one egg the docs at UCLA had seen earlier on the ultrasound. Finally, I'm on Prometrium vaginal suppositories for the two week wait until I get a blood test to see if the knocking-up occurred.

Which means waiting. And more waiting. Still waiting some more. Have I ever mentioned that I am the least patient person on the planet? Well, I am.

We feel like if it happens this cycle, cool, because one egg typically means one baby and that's what we're aiming for. It narrows our chances of conceiving, but we're committed to the above regimen for two more cycles. Then we're gonna see where we are at.

To be honest, I was thinking we were just gonna go with the Clomid. The shot and the progesterone were actually never mentioned to me until we were at the ultrasound and the UCLA docs laid it all out for us. And suddenly I realized, I'm all in. Yes, I am on disability but straight-up I have the bomb insurance that pays for all of the above and if we do get twins, I may consider staying on disability because a bipolar mom with two babies is like lighting a fuse that may not burn out for years. We'll see.

(An aside: I spoke with and am having a 90 minute consultation with the head of UCLA's Neuropsychiatric Women's Clinic and she concurs with the plan for me to stay on psych meds and she herself will be managing them. Awesome.)

We are inviting lots of baby vibes into our home, more always helps.

Back from the wedding, started my first Clomid cycle of 100 mg on 6/13. A little confused about when to baby dance since my cycles are usually 24 days and that would mean my fertile window opens one day before 6/19 when we go in for our ultrasound appointment and lecture on how to baby dance. (My husband is so looking forward to that.) Don't want to miss my window, should I wait until the doc appointment or should I proceed with my usual cycle's fertility window?

So the big month is on the horizon. June 7th I'm getting married. The following week I'm starting Clomid and hopefully the knocking-up will follow.

Key questions have been answered:

Yes, I will be taking psych meds through pregnancy but they will be monitored by a slew of docs at UCLA as will fetal development in specific areas.

Yes, my reproductive goods & our genes are ready to go from a functional standpoint, just havn't ovulated on my own since the last miscarriage at the beginning of the year.

Yes, I will continue on disability with my excellent COBRA coverage that seems to be the only good thing about working at Viacom.

Yes, I am going to cut contact with certain members of my family who are very toxic to me and my new and hopefully growing family.

I like "yes."

Here's to those vibes continuing, and to all the mamas who have really stood by me as I've made choices with my fiance, my doctors, and my family.

Will be back after the wedding and the unending honeymoon that hopefully will bring us a Taurus baby!

Hey mamas, been suddenly consumed by wedding-ness. Looking forward to post-wedding-ness since that's when I'll begin Clomid. (More on that later, mostly questions I have about other mamas who've managed mood disorders while taking it.)

But I digress. What I'm seeking currently are Bay Area Freelancers for a Day Gig, specifically my wedding in Santa Cruz and my reception in Los Gatos on Sunday, June 7th.

So if y'all know some talented folks or you are talented folk who match the descriptions that I'm listing below, please don't hesitate to shout-out or tell a friend.

My family of origin was more than a little dysfunctional - but then wasn't everybody's?

It wasn't until I literally ran away at the age of 19 (to Alaska) and got some perspective (dark winters will do that to a depressive) that I realized who I was and how I defined myself outside of a dysfunctional family context.

See, I'm the problem child. The one who had an untreated, unacknowledged, misunderstood yet legitimate disease that brought out the worst in the inner workings of my family. I was the scapegoat for all the ailments of the family, not just my own.

Since I have been on my regular psych meds regimen, taking Vitex and Omega-3s, and my menstrual cycles have resumed their regular 23 day cycles, I have been using Ovulation Predictor Tests to prepare data for my next preconception visit this coming week.

According to the various online calculators and such, I should have or be ovulating momentarily. And although I have followed the OPT instructions to the letter, I have continuously gotten a negative result.

Yesterday I was informed that my COBRA coverage had been terminated because for some reason the administrators had not received my payment. This news quickly devolved into a hysterical breakdown and much begging and pleading to no avail.

For those just joining my regularly scheduled drama, no health insurance for me equals:
- No psych meds
- No therapy
- No prenatal care
- No emergency or hospital coverage
- Probable hospitalization at a county facility

After six days of writing about eleven pages per day, I am now the proud mama of a new television series. Yay, me! After I resumed my full medication regimen and started feeling human again, I sort of went on a tear to crank out my script for submission this television staffing season.

It feels terrific, although toward the end of the push I was not really able to hold a conversation or bathe lest the creative juices go on walkabout. Nonetheless, I have had this script cooking in my brain for two years now so it was about time to put it on paper.