huck's blogacupressure?hey ladies i was thinking that acupressure can be a good tool for that process. any feedback?
Wow, it's been a whileSo, I know it's been some time since I last posted. My life dramatically changed over the last season. I moved into a really awesome apartment, 2 outta 3 of my daughters started school full time, I now have the chance to make art again and I am totally on a spree... And the juicy news, something so new to me, I am left in a whirlwind of confusion.... I began crushing on a friend of mine. This gets complicated.... He was our unofficial partner in the project my (former)husband and I were working on. I was his landlord. He was dating/ living with a friend of mine. Then the bottom was pulled out of the project. My relationship ended with my husband. His relationship got rocky. I began crushing on him, we continued to be friends. His relationship ended and about a month later, we crossed the frienship line. How do I even process all of this!!!! We have amazing chemistry as friends, and so I just learned, as lovers too. It is quite socially awkward to navigate..... But only because of our past. As individuals, in this moment, there is nothing awkward about us together at all. The truth is, it's been 9 years since I last fell for somebody. I hardly even know what's going on inside me in all this. I don't really know what I want from a relationship other than that warm fuzzy feeling. So there is where I am at. Wacky, just absolutely coo coo.
so much to say, too little time to say itthe short story: life is good.
gentian violet?hey ladies
i need a pep talki am in serious need of a pep talk... i have been looking seriously for one month for a new place to live. i call about 10 places everyday. nothing is working out. i am completely exhausted by the search. my kids hate me because i dont want them to play next door anymore today. (the kids next door are sweet, but the grown ups are toothless, yelling, sketchy people... and it smells disgusting over there. they came home smeared with mud and puppy poo.) i am just devistated and lonely. my daughter turns 4 on monday. the day we switch from papa to mama. i am paralyzed, not knowing how to celebrate. i mentioned her birthday to him. 'oh ya, i am having a party on sunday.' so....? what? how? i am crying
how?after being with my husband/best friend for almost nine years. he walked out. he was mean and rude and child like in the process. i have suffered such a deep rejection, i know i will be feeling it for years. all that, and i still miss him. gross, i know. since he left, every once in a while i get the sense of loneliness, of missing him. then we have talked and i feel crushed, once again by how distant he is. by how little he has to say. by how much he has left his own body, and how much he has left me. i dont want to talk to him anymore. any advice mamas?
housing vibesoh mamas a nice 2 bedroom or big one bedroom thats all send your good housing vibes this way mamas. i know you've got 'em.
to cut, or not to cut?here it is ladies...my daughters' hair grows directly into their eyes. i tried everything to keep it pulled back, but you know babies. the rubberband, the barrette, the headband, is off in two seconds. what would you mamas do?
update from a woman who's husband left two months agoso much to say. life is swirling around me. it is infinitely difficult to hold myself together, much less, to make steps to move forward independently. i am looking into finding a place of my own. i am trying so hard to break the emotional ties. this is so very hard. i broke down sobbing when a song came on this morning. it was one of his favorite songs. it seemed to illuminate him so clearly. i sobbed for knowing that. for hearing his soul in a song and wishing this were different. there is such a great chasm ahead.
deep breathesmy weekends seem so easy. i work almost straight through friday afternoon to sunday late night. i have a few hours on saturday morning to myself. those hours are golden. i relax and feel myself. i seem to feel free of relationship drama or the stress of raising three small daughters. today is monday though, i havent even been awake an hour yet and i can already feel the anxiety moving in. this is what i am thinking: lump in my throat
count downi drop of my girls today. i think i am enlisting the help of a friend this week. the first few weeks after justin left, he refused to see me so he would have a third party pick up the girls. i think it is my turn to do the same. i dont want to see him today. i am ready for 2pm to roll around though. i am engaged in a major power struggle with my five year old. okay--- now i feel stupid as i start to write it, but: she poured herself the hugest bowl of cereal. i told her it was too much, she insisted, then she walked away. i told her many times to come back and finish her breakfast, but instead she spread attitude all around the house. i told her she couldnt leave the table till she finished, so she spit and kicked her sister. now she is hysterical at the table. i refuse to budge.
my morningi woke up this morning and started to get my oldest daughter ready for her preschool graduation. this is what she said: to which i replied: spend as much time as you like with him. i am getting a divorce. i cannot be with someone who can lie to me and lie to himself everyday. the quantity of time these days has no issue with me. he said he wanted to work it out with me. we hung out. he said he was coming over, then didnt... the next day he was distant, rude and illusive. same thing happened after you hung out on monday. his behavoir with me for the entire time you have been in a relationship with him has been distant, rude and illusive. i cannot be with that and he feels he cant be anywhere in this world because of the shame he feels from being such an asshole. its over then i went to the preschool graduation and sobbed like a baby. my neighborhood is once again ripe with activity and i am wishing for escape. i have been sewing and wishing we were living in our old house where my girls could get dirty outside for hours without any interruptions from SKETCHY neighbors. UGGGhhh
beginning of the endtoday i am looking into divorce mediation.
noisy neighborhoodin the last week and a half my neighbors have : i might want to move back to the woods.
what i had not expectedlast night he came over and hung out. when our girl woke up in the night he wanted to go up and comfort her. before you knew it we (our girl, him and me) were all in our bed cuddling. after she fell back to sleep he told me that he wants to work it out. he wants to take it slow, but he has decided that our relationship means something to him. i wasnt expecting that... at all. sure, i had hoped for that moment for so long, and it really caught me by surprise. there were points while we were talking that were tough, but it was remarkable how present he was at times. for almost the last year he has not be present enough to talk about anything at all, so it was so great to be there with him. the next portion will be difficult to navigate. i want to learn how to talk together differently. we can easily trigger each other and both of us want to move on from that viscious cycle. also, having space between us has been good, so figuring out how to find time to be together while also taking space is a challenge before us. i dont feel the giant sigh of relief right now, there is a lot of hard work ahead, but it is remarkable to feel that he wants our marriage. he also wants to move back to the woods. right now, i am willing to try just about anything to put our relationship back together. living in town is fun because i get to ride my bike everywhere and i hardly ever have to be in the car. the woods are peaceful and quiet (unlike our place where the neighbors are fighting in our yard at 1am most nights.) i am willing to walk away from this place that we have created together... the copperworks. it is so super cool and so many people are craving what we do here.... but i would rather have our marriage than a cool scene. deep breath
emptyfor weeks i had thought that the feeling i had been having was anxiety, but this morning i realized that it is the void in my heart where he used to be. i desperately wish i could talk to him. but there is nothing i can say right now. he is afraid of being nice and casual with me, for fear that he will be leading me on. its not that he doesnt want our relationship anymore, he just doesnt know what he wants... so he doesnt want to lead me on. but he was nice, and we did have a connection the other night. it was best without words. it was just a hug, and it was a real moment where we connected. i am all turmoil this morning. the first time i have woken up in the quietness of my empty house, with nothing i must do this morning. i wish it could be a treat, but mostly i feel the emptiness from where he used to be
tales from a woman who's husband left 27 days agoso, the roller coaster ride has continued. at times i feel comfortable in my skin, in my home, in my life... and at other times i long for the comfort that was our relationship, i long to know him and be close to him. likewise, our daughters can be happy as can be all day long, but then that one point in the evening hits, and they just want their papa. he is finding himself. we are in couples counseling, which is working, though there is no proof that our relationship will ever come back together. he still wants to be involved in the project we started (of turning a small warehouse into an arts venue.) but i dont really want him to. that project was a result of our partnership, and if he doesnt want our partnership, i dont think he should participate in the fruits of it. its tricky because this place is perfect for him, and frankly, this place needs him.... but the same could be said for our marriage, but he disagrees. he said last week in therapy that over the years i ground away at his soul by having passive negativity when he came home from work. me being stressed out ground away at his soul till he had nothing left to give.---oh really, that time (5 years) when i was pregnant or caring for a newborn, while working two jobs to pay for everything AND doing all the housework? he cant handle that all that work stressed me out. i told him that i dont feel that i ground away at his soul, but life did. it was his responsibility to build himself back up, and my responsibility to be supportive of him. i miss him.
notes from a woman who's husband walked out five nights agoit is hard to find the concentration to know how to write right now. yes, its true, my husband walked out on his family (me, his wife, and his three small daughters.) our relationship had become increasingly strained over the last year. it seemed to be like a mathmatical equation, where each day was exponentially worse than the day before. by friday night it became nastier than i could have imagined it ever getting.
an updateso it has been so long since i checked in... here goes
Mad Hatter Tea Party Birthday Games?hey ladies, i know its been a while since i posted. i guess i havent found the time to post with three small kids in the house, though i do read the blogs everyday.
when you have more than one...i know its been a while since i posted, but i still check in all the time. my middle daughter had an extensive test at the hospital. this week we got almost two days hanging out with her without her sisters and i realized`that in her 3 years of life we have never had time with just her. my 3 daughters are always together. how can i get to know them as individuals?
overwhelmedoh goodness i wish i were a better mother. i wish i had more attention for each of my daughters. more focus to help direct them. i am feeling overwhelmed as we are moving through the medical maze, finding out what clementine's needs are, disciphering where she is at, constant appointments. i get frutrated while trying to teach her, while trying to do anything really. there is always somebody clamoring for my attention. i am overwhelmed by our bills and lack of income, but that is not new. i am feeling lonely.
what happens when mama is sick?well yesterday i felt a little funny and today i woke up with killer cramps. it actually feels like i am in labor. the funny thing is, i still have 3 small children clamoring for my attention and all i can imagine for myself is to crawl into a cave. my husband may leave work early, but seriously, what happens when mama is sick?
half deaf, part threea couple weeks ago we had clem's hearing tested (age3). we were sent home and asked to practice. she was very excited about the game.we made a beep sound while hiding our mouths, she eagerly dropped the block in the basket. we played often for about a half an hour.
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