hey ladies
its been so long since i have posted here. i still read the blogs often, just havent found the time (or what i might want to say publicly) to write.
but here goes.... has anyone here had experience with acupressure and children? i grew up with crohns disease. i started showing minor symptoms really young, the doctors brushed it off. by the time i was ten i was deathly ill and stayed terribly until i was about 23. i have always seen signs of my oldest daughter having a similar issues. when she was a toddler it seemed as though she was just attention seeking. i would casually validate her worry, then gracefully move on. now it is clear that she is not just attention seeking. i fear she has real, major tummy aches. the doctors were majorly UNHELPFUL to me, and what has kept me healthy is learning how to avoid getting sick in the first place with a strong awareness of my body, and marijuana. obviously, i wont be giving my 5 year old weed, but i would like to start to teach her how to be aware of her body, and how to let go of the pain, setting her free from the impending doom.

i was thinking that acupressure can be a good tool for that process. any feedback?

So, I know it's been some time since I last posted. My life dramatically changed over the last season. I moved into a really awesome apartment, 2 outta 3 of my daughters started school full time, I now have the chance to make art again and I am totally on a spree...

And the juicy news, something so new to me, I am left in a whirlwind of confusion.... I began crushing on a friend of mine. This gets complicated.... He was our unofficial partner in the project my (former)husband and I were working on. I was his landlord. He was dating/ living with a friend of mine. Then the bottom was pulled out of the project. My relationship ended with my husband. His relationship got rocky. I began crushing on him, we continued to be friends. His relationship ended and about a month later, we crossed the frienship line.

How do I even process all of this!!!!
To have this amazing guy go from a friend, to a crush, to something more.... I just can't tell which way is up. His ex just found out and is HATIN that this is happening. I feel like such an asshole friend. There is quite a stir of drama throughout our tiny community. I feel so exposed all of a sudden, and I have no idea what this relationship even is.

We have amazing chemistry as friends, and so I just learned, as lovers too. It is quite socially awkward to navigate..... But only because of our past. As individuals, in this moment, there is nothing awkward about us together at all.

The truth is, it's been 9 years since I last fell for somebody. I hardly even know what's going on inside me in all this. I don't really know what I want from a relationship other than that warm fuzzy feeling.

So there is where I am at. Wacky, just absolutely coo coo.

the short story:
i found a place to live! i am moving this week.
my two oldest girls started at the montessori school yesterday.
i am so happy for them to have this opportunity.
i met a boy. he distracted me nicely for a few weeks, then he was getting serious, and i got out.

life is good.
i am moving on.

hey ladies
my baby girl had a gnarly diaper rash. we ended up getting a cream to fight off yeast infections and her rash is clearing up, but now i notice she has a white tonuge and i am thinking she is having a little bout of thrush. has anybody here tried gentian violet to fight thrush? how would i use it. i ordered some and it just came in to the health food store, i just dont know what to do with it.

i am in serious need of a pep talk...

i have been looking seriously for one month for a new place to live. i call about 10 places everyday. nothing is working out. i am completely exhausted by the search.

my kids hate me because i dont want them to play next door anymore today. (the kids next door are sweet, but the grown ups are toothless, yelling, sketchy people... and it smells disgusting over there. they came home smeared with mud and puppy poo.)

i am just devistated and lonely.

my daughter turns 4 on monday. the day we switch from papa to mama. i am paralyzed, not knowing how to celebrate. i mentioned her birthday to him. 'oh ya, i am having a party on sunday.' so....?

what? how?

i am crying
again.

after being with my husband/best friend for almost nine years. he walked out. he was mean and rude and child like in the process. i have suffered such a deep rejection, i know i will be feeling it for years.

all that, and i still miss him.

gross, i know.

since he left, every once in a while i get the sense of loneliness, of missing him. then we have talked and i feel crushed, once again by how distant he is. by how little he has to say. by how much he has left his own body, and how much he has left me.

i dont want to talk to him anymore.
any logic pushes me away, so logical arguments dont really help me get over that missing him. i feel sick for him.

any advice mamas?

oh mamas
i havent searched for an apartment in SO many years and i have never had my own apartment.... i have been on a serious housing hunt for three weeks now. everyday i look at more apartments. at this point i feel i have seen everything available. each place has its pluses and minuses. some doable, most not, but nothing is coming together. i really want to move for august 1st so my girls can be well settled before school starts. so here is what i am looking for:

a nice 2 bedroom or big one bedroom
in a safe neighborhood
with a little bit grass and a good tree
inside, hardwood floors
a good flow between the rooms
a bathtub (i have see a lot of apartments with clawfoot tubs, ya!)
i prefer gas stoves... but thats not a deal breaker
a place where i feel comfortable having my kids
and i can afford

thats all
it is most definitely possible

send your good housing vibes this way mamas. i know you've got 'em.
thank you

here it is ladies...my daughters' hair grows directly into their eyes. i tried everything to keep it pulled back, but you know babies. the rubberband, the barrette, the headband, is off in two seconds.
i cut bangs for my oldest two when they were toddlers. now, again, with my third, everyone says i should let her hair grow out however it goes... but i just cant stand that she cant see with all the hair in her eyes!

what would you mamas do?

so much to say. life is swirling around me. it is infinitely difficult to hold myself together, much less, to make steps to move forward independently.

i am looking into finding a place of my own.
i have an opportunity for a nice house share with other girl-friends. i think i have realized though that i am not in a place to share a home. i want so much to provide a sense of security and stability for my daughters. i want to feel in control in a space that is mine. i dont feel ready to confront to regular issues of sharing a home. AND... i really want to find a place in a neighborhood that is more safe. there are too many places with SKETCHY neighbors, i dont want that for my girls.
so ... my own place and setting up the future of the property that we own so as to not destroy my credit. HE is moving back to our property when i move out but i am not confident that he can manage the responsibilities.

i am trying so hard to break the emotional ties. this is so very hard. i broke down sobbing when a song came on this morning. it was one of his favorite songs. it seemed to illuminate him so clearly. i sobbed for knowing that. for hearing his soul in a song and wishing this were different.

there is such a great chasm ahead.
uhhgggg

my weekends seem so easy. i work almost straight through friday afternoon to sunday late night. i have a few hours on saturday morning to myself. those hours are golden. i relax and feel myself. i seem to feel free of relationship drama or the stress of raising three small daughters.

today is monday though, i havent even been awake an hour yet and i can already feel the anxiety moving in. this is what i am thinking:
*how will we exchange the kids today? i still dont want to see him.
*when will we exchange the kids? how much time do i have to get shit in order here?
*thinking about telling him soon to get his shit outta here.
*dreaming of having my own little place for me and my girls to live, but locked into our responsibilities with owning this property.
*financial independence
*selling our property
*getting a divorce
*making my house clean for guests on wenesday
*where will i put all 6 grown ups and 2 kids on wenesday?
*what will i cook for everybody? including one vegan, one vegetarian
*there is a show at my house (did you guess it, on wenesday.) its gonna be out of this world, but it can be tough getting everything together.
*then i leave the house guests and go to couple's therapy on thursday morning. i have wanted to skip it, but there are a few things we should probably work out.
*is that when i tell him he needs to get his shit out of the house?

lump in my throat
deep breathes
i think i am crying

i drop of my girls today. i think i am enlisting the help of a friend this week. the first few weeks after justin left, he refused to see me so he would have a third party pick up the girls. i think it is my turn to do the same. i dont want to see him today.

i am ready for 2pm to roll around though. i am engaged in a major power struggle with my five year old. okay--- now i feel stupid as i start to write it, but: she poured herself the hugest bowl of cereal. i told her it was too much, she insisted, then she walked away. i told her many times to come back and finish her breakfast, but instead she spread attitude all around the house. i told her she couldnt leave the table till she finished, so she spit and kicked her sister.

now she is hysterical at the table. i refuse to budge.

i woke up this morning and started to get my oldest daughter ready for her preschool graduation.
i wrote a friend a quick email to let her know that my marriage had dissolved. when i finished venting to her i saw that i had an email in my inbox from the woman my husband has been seeing.

this is what she said:
i hesitate in sending this. But caity tells me that some clarity regarding justin and my contact over the past few weeks might be appreciated.
>
> The day after he told me he was going to try and work things out with
> you I asked if I could see him so that we could talk it out. I wanted
> to know the facts of the situation and also to say goodbye. We met on
> my parents back deck for about an hour.
>
> At the time it was goodbye.
>
> We hung out this past Monday. It had not be planned or expected when
> I had last seen him.
>
> I forgot my wallet in the car. We met up before work on Wednesday
> morning so he could return it to me.
>
> I went to the coffee shop to get a tea, he came in a few minutes later
> to get a coffee.
>
> I smiled at him as I walked out and went to work.
>
> Other than that there have been sporadic emails.
>
> But that's it. The total extent of our contact since you guys talked
> about trying to work it out.
>
> I apologize if this is out of line or angering.
> But I hope it might be helpful to have the basic facts of our contact.

to which i replied:
why do you care to convey this to me?
you have shown so little respect for me, my family, my marriage and as a result , the copperworks by willfully destroying the foundation of it all.

spend as much time as you like with him.
you can have him.

i am getting a divorce.
i am selling the property.

i cannot be with someone who can lie to me and lie to himself everyday.
the same lie you told me by saying for months that it was over. you said your final goodbyes in feburary, and march and....

the quantity of time these days has no issue with me. he said he wanted to work it out with me. we hung out. he said he was coming over, then didnt... the next day he was distant, rude and illusive. same thing happened after you hung out on monday. his behavoir with me for the entire time you have been in a relationship with him has been distant, rude and illusive. i cannot be with that and he feels he cant be anywhere in this world because of the shame he feels from being such an asshole.

its over
thanks
>

then i went to the preschool graduation and sobbed like a baby.
fuck.

my neighborhood is once again ripe with activity and i am wishing for escape. i have been sewing and wishing we were living in our old house where my girls could get dirty outside for hours without any interruptions from SKETCHY neighbors.

UGGGhhh

today i am looking into divorce mediation.
today i might also turn into a puddle.
last week he wanted to work it out.
he spent two days hanging out with me, then went back to her.
our relationship is over.
fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

in the last week and a half my neighbors have :
*slashed car the car tires of her boyfriend's car (which was parked in my driveway)
*thrown a rock through the same car's rear window (again in my driveway) shattering the window
*they have fought loudly and late at night under my bedroom window most nights
*other neighbors the other night were having sex so loudly (this one was funny) the whole neighborhood was hearing 'oh daddy!!!'
*the cops have come every other day
*i had to call once when one neighbor had a bat and was angry with the people who threw the rock
*now there is a very lonely puppy left outside squealing with out ceasing...
*there is so much more, but it is hard to list

i might want to move back to the woods.

last night he came over and hung out. when our girl woke up in the night he wanted to go up and comfort her. before you knew it we (our girl, him and me) were all in our bed cuddling. after she fell back to sleep he told me that he wants to work it out. he wants to take it slow, but he has decided that our relationship means something to him.

i wasnt expecting that... at all. sure, i had hoped for that moment for so long, and it really caught me by surprise.

there were points while we were talking that were tough, but it was remarkable how present he was at times. for almost the last year he has not be present enough to talk about anything at all, so it was so great to be there with him.

the next portion will be difficult to navigate. i want to learn how to talk together differently. we can easily trigger each other and both of us want to move on from that viscious cycle. also, having space between us has been good, so figuring out how to find time to be together while also taking space is a challenge before us.

i dont feel the giant sigh of relief right now, there is a lot of hard work ahead, but it is remarkable to feel that he wants our marriage.

he also wants to move back to the woods. right now, i am willing to try just about anything to put our relationship back together. living in town is fun because i get to ride my bike everywhere and i hardly ever have to be in the car. the woods are peaceful and quiet (unlike our place where the neighbors are fighting in our yard at 1am most nights.)

i am willing to walk away from this place that we have created together... the copperworks. it is so super cool and so many people are craving what we do here.... but i would rather have our marriage than a cool scene.

deep breath
here we go.

for weeks i had thought that the feeling i had been having was anxiety, but this morning i realized that it is the void in my heart where he used to be.

i desperately wish i could talk to him. but there is nothing i can say right now.

he is afraid of being nice and casual with me, for fear that he will be leading me on. its not that he doesnt want our relationship anymore, he just doesnt know what he wants... so he doesnt want to lead me on.

but he was nice, and we did have a connection the other night. it was best without words. it was just a hug, and it was a real moment where we connected.

i am all turmoil this morning. the first time i have woken up in the quietness of my empty house, with nothing i must do this morning. i wish it could be a treat, but mostly i feel the emptiness from where he used to be

so, the roller coaster ride has continued. at times i feel comfortable in my skin, in my home, in my life... and at other times i long for the comfort that was our relationship, i long to know him and be close to him.

likewise, our daughters can be happy as can be all day long, but then that one point in the evening hits, and they just want their papa.

he is finding himself. we are in couples counseling, which is working, though there is no proof that our relationship will ever come back together.

he still wants to be involved in the project we started (of turning a small warehouse into an arts venue.) but i dont really want him to. that project was a result of our partnership, and if he doesnt want our partnership, i dont think he should participate in the fruits of it. its tricky because this place is perfect for him, and frankly, this place needs him.... but the same could be said for our marriage, but he disagrees.

he said last week in therapy that over the years i ground away at his soul by having passive negativity when he came home from work. me being stressed out ground away at his soul till he had nothing left to give.---oh really, that time (5 years) when i was pregnant or caring for a newborn, while working two jobs to pay for everything AND doing all the housework? he cant handle that all that work stressed me out.

i told him that i dont feel that i ground away at his soul, but life did. it was his responsibility to build himself back up, and my responsibility to be supportive of him.

i miss him.

it is hard to find the concentration to know how to write right now. yes, its true, my husband walked out on his family (me, his wife, and his three small daughters.) our relationship had become increasingly strained over the last year. it seemed to be like a mathmatical equation, where each day was exponentially worse than the day before. by friday night it became nastier than i could have imagined it ever getting.

so it has been so long since i checked in... here goes

hey ladies, i know its been a while since i posted. i guess i havent found the time to post with three small kids in the house, though i do read the blogs everyday.
here is my question: any great birthday party games for a mad hatter tea party? i am not very good at organizing kid parties (and the pnemonia i am trudging through doesnt help either.)

i know its been a while since i posted, but i still check in all the time.
today i have a great question: when you have more than one kid, how do you get to know them as individuals? growing up in a household with siblings (which i did not) how did your parents get to know you as individuals?

my middle daughter had an extensive test at the hospital. this week we got almost two days hanging out with her without her sisters and i realized`that in her 3 years of life we have never had time with just her. my 3 daughters are always together. how can i get to know them as individuals?

oh goodness
i am feeling overwhelmed.

i wish i were a better mother. i wish i had more attention for each of my daughters. more focus to help direct them. i am feeling overwhelmed as we are moving through the medical maze, finding out what clementine's needs are, disciphering where she is at, constant appointments. i get frutrated while trying to teach her, while trying to do anything really. there is always somebody clamoring for my attention.

i am overwhelmed by our bills and lack of income, but that is not new.

i am feeling lonely.

well yesterday i felt a little funny and today i woke up with killer cramps. it actually feels like i am in labor. the funny thing is, i still have 3 small children clamoring for my attention and all i can imagine for myself is to crawl into a cave. my husband may leave work early, but seriously, what happens when mama is sick?

a couple weeks ago we had clem's hearing tested (age3).
the first test was subjective.she was instructed to hold a wooden block to her ear, and upon hearing the beep, place the block in the basket. the instructor got frustrated with her when she did not succeed at this test. she was not following the directions, she was old enough to understand the game... why wouldnt she do it?

we were sent home and asked to practice. she was very excited about the game.we made a beep sound while hiding our mouths, she eagerly dropped the block in the basket. we played often for about a half an hour.