So I took a trip to the Urgent Care thing-a-ma-bob today. I’ve been having arrhythmia all afternoon and it’s still happening tonight. So apparently it’s not bad, but the doctor said it was good that I came in. I have to go see my doctor in a week to follow up and I’m now taking Beta Blockers to slow my heart rate down. My blood pressure is fantastic, but my heart is just beating to fast, doc said the beat type is normal, it’s just a little off rhythm. Basically it feels like the drums are being played under my breast bone. When it picks up speed I gasp for a breath. It’s just weird. Damn it, I’m getting old. Much thanks to Laura for coming out so fast to help me with the urgent care visit, R for watching the boys, and for all the good vibes and prayers from all you guys who commented on Facebook.

So it’s off to bed I go, hopefully this pounding in my chest won’t keep me up all frakin’ night.

Learned from my mistake.. Filed for divorce.. Went back to my blog, and help admin another... Check em out mama's.. Love and miss you all..

My new blog http://www.sothisismylife.com

Nifty blog I help admin http://www.10happythoughts.com Go check them out #2 makes me happy every day

Anyone out here in Hipmamaland remember me? Eh? Eh?

So much shit has gone down since my last update.. Lot's and lot's and lot's of therapy with the ex. Who isn't an ex any longer. We put the brakes on the divorce. Continued to live out unorthodox lifestyle with the support of our SO's we've made great strides in our relationship. The kids are doing so great.. Xan is 5 now.. (gulp) and Mal is about the turn 3.. How time flies. It's been a year of growth for everyone in my household, for me the most I think.

After much independent therapy outside of our couples therapy, I've come to terms with the fact that I am, indeed gay. I however was lucky enough to find two men, whom I found to be emotionally compatible with me, who also let me have relationships outside of ours.. As they do also. (Yeah I'm a weirdo for all you newer mama's who haven't known me for the 5+ years I've been on here) They're dealing with this pretty well. They're concerned of course. But I have no intentions of leaving them for a woman, if I find a woman, she'll just have to understand the way things work in my family, albeit large and unconventional. I love all of them so very much. All the kids, my men, their secondary partners. I lack for nothing, at the moment except learning to make myself happy. I'm still learning to put myself first sometimes, instead of thinking of everyone else first. So to all the old timers, I missed you all so so so so much and am looking forward to catching up.. To all the mama's I've yet to meet. I cannot wait to get to know you and your families!

Much loves!!

Portlandmama

The ex moved out of my apartment. It was a bad scene but it's over now. Divorce from the FAX is proceeding. He seems to have agreed to my more than reasonable request for child support.. Only 600 a month for both boys. Which given his income is hardly a fraction of what a court would make him pay. He still wants to work it out but I just can't put myself back there. Cause well I'm happy.. Happiest I've been in a long ass time. I made my rent this month by the skin of my teeth on time and I'm so proud of myself for doing so without a hitch. Now for monthly bills and such.

Title says it all.

Well it's over now, feeling numb and angry. SO won't talk to me about it, but he too seems angry and upset. I'm just waiting for the week to wind down and for it all to bitch slap me in the face. I have no idea how to brace myself for this at all. Been snuggling the snot out of the boys every spare minute, and have refused to call in sick to work all week, I just don't want to be alone.

SO and I have reached a decision. We will be terminating this pregnancy. We have an appointment on Tuesday. I could use all those positive vibes that everyone has been sending x10.

On a lighter note, I got my apartment and am moving in on saturday the 1st. Mamasunshine offered me the money and I accepted, so here's to paying her back and kissin her pregnant ass for the next 18 years of our friendship, love you MS!!!!

Just when I start to feel better shit hits the fan.. I'm pregnant.. That's right.. You read that right.. I have a hard choice ahead of me one I never thought that I'd have to make. This pregnancy is SO's and mine not FAX's. I'm about to fall apart. He and I both know what we need to do but I'm a mess over it. I tried for so long to get my boys and I fall pregnant with SO at the drop of a hat.. WTF?!? Help mama's I need support stories resources etc. much love mamas I really need you all right now.

9 whole days now since I left. I'm apartment hunting. My wonderful boss is gathering shit for an apartment.. I'm praying for an IKEA gift card cause I ain't got jack and squat for nuthin. I decided that I'm only taking my personal items, clothes, half the boys things, my crafty shit, perhaps my kitty if I can ever scrape up the 300 bucks for the pet deposit. In the mean time I'm trying to deal with zero rental history and trashed credit. blargh. I'm feeling rather lonely tonight. Just rough and raw.

So far so good.. Butter is adjusting well but Xan is having some issues. He wanted to go home so bad that I let M have him a day early, I'm not ass freaked about it as I thought that I'd be but Butter is going today. My poor little dude will be without mama til I get off work on Tuesday. So not happy about that. But SO has a late birthday pressie for me that might take my mind off it for a bit. At night at the edgefield.. It's a hotel that is heavily populated by restraunts a micro brewery, and a winery and the best part.... It's like 3 miles from my mom's house and 5 from my babies.