Anyone out here in Hipmamaland remember me? Eh? Eh?

So much shit has gone down since my last update.. Lot's and lot's and lot's of therapy with the ex. Who isn't an ex any longer. We put the brakes on the divorce. Continued to live out unorthodox lifestyle with the support of our SO's we've made great strides in our relationship. The kids are doing so great.. Xan is 5 now.. (gulp) and Mal is about the turn 3.. How time flies. It's been a year of growth for everyone in my household, for me the most I think.

After much independent therapy outside of our couples therapy, I've come to terms with the fact that I am, indeed gay. I however was lucky enough to find two men, whom I found to be emotionally compatible with me, who also let me have relationships outside of ours.. As they do also. (Yeah I'm a weirdo for all you newer mama's who haven't known me for the 5+ years I've been on here) They're dealing with this pretty well. They're concerned of course. But I have no intentions of leaving them for a woman, if I find a woman, she'll just have to understand the way things work in my family, albeit large and unconventional. I love all of them so very much. All the kids, my men, their secondary partners. I lack for nothing, at the moment except learning to make myself happy. I'm still learning to put myself first sometimes, instead of thinking of everyone else first. So to all the old timers, I missed you all so so so so much and am looking forward to catching up.. To all the mama's I've yet to meet. I cannot wait to get to know you and your families!

Much loves!!

Portlandmama

The ex moved out of my apartment. It was a bad scene but it's over now. Divorce from the FAX is proceeding. He seems to have agreed to my more than reasonable request for child support.. Only 600 a month for both boys. Which given his income is hardly a fraction of what a court would make him pay. He still wants to work it out but I just can't put myself back there. Cause well I'm happy.. Happiest I've been in a long ass time. I made my rent this month by the skin of my teeth on time and I'm so proud of myself for doing so without a hitch. Now for monthly bills and such.

Title says it all.

Well it's over now, feeling numb and angry. SO won't talk to me about it, but he too seems angry and upset. I'm just waiting for the week to wind down and for it all to bitch slap me in the face. I have no idea how to brace myself for this at all. Been snuggling the snot out of the boys every spare minute, and have refused to call in sick to work all week, I just don't want to be alone.

SO and I have reached a decision. We will be terminating this pregnancy. We have an appointment on Tuesday. I could use all those positive vibes that everyone has been sending x10.

On a lighter note, I got my apartment and am moving in on saturday the 1st. Mamasunshine offered me the money and I accepted, so here's to paying her back and kissin her pregnant ass for the next 18 years of our friendship, love you MS!!!!

Just when I start to feel better shit hits the fan.. I'm pregnant.. That's right.. You read that right.. I have a hard choice ahead of me one I never thought that I'd have to make. This pregnancy is SO's and mine not FAX's. I'm about to fall apart. He and I both know what we need to do but I'm a mess over it. I tried for so long to get my boys and I fall pregnant with SO at the drop of a hat.. WTF?!? Help mama's I need support stories resources etc. much love mamas I really need you all right now.

9 whole days now since I left. I'm apartment hunting. My wonderful boss is gathering shit for an apartment.. I'm praying for an IKEA gift card cause I ain't got jack and squat for nuthin. I decided that I'm only taking my personal items, clothes, half the boys things, my crafty shit, perhaps my kitty if I can ever scrape up the 300 bucks for the pet deposit. In the mean time I'm trying to deal with zero rental history and trashed credit. blargh. I'm feeling rather lonely tonight. Just rough and raw.

So far so good.. Butter is adjusting well but Xan is having some issues. He wanted to go home so bad that I let M have him a day early, I'm not ass freaked about it as I thought that I'd be but Butter is going today. My poor little dude will be without mama til I get off work on Tuesday. So not happy about that. But SO has a late birthday pressie for me that might take my mind off it for a bit. At night at the edgefield.. It's a hotel that is heavily populated by restraunts a micro brewery, and a winery and the best part.... It's like 3 miles from my mom's house and 5 from my babies.

So I haven't been able to log on or post since August. Argh.. So here's the deal. I got a job (see below photo) I'm a bartender with some seriously sweet hours. M-F 11am-7pm. I'm making enough to potentially live on my own. Flash forward 2 months.... November 7th 2007 my 29th birthday.. I volunteered to work since you typically get good tips doing so.. Regulars at the bar got me balloons, a cake and my boss fed my sharpie addiction with a 36 pack of permanent bic markers. DH fucks with me all day via text message.

Happy Birthday Molly. How I wonder what you'd look like now as a 13 year old young woman. We missed you tons today, went out to the movies, and had your favorite ice cream too. We've decided that we're going to do things on your birthday as a family now, to remember, and be together.

Here's to another year past.. We love you angel..

Love,
Mommy

They scheduled the funeral on My daughters birthday.. The one day of Molly's life that I always was able to make happy and fun, and have her surrounded by family. I'm pissed off, hurt, and feel like my heart is breaking. I dealt with all the other deaths in my family with relative grace, but this is just to damn much. Another baby girl in my family dies and then they schedule a funeral on top of my daughters birthday. What do I say to this? I realize that I'm the only one outside of my house that gives a fuck, but shouldn't my in-laws her grandparents at least have said something?!

I'm so sick of this bullshit in my life. Got a phone call this morning.. DH and my niece died this morning.. 10 months old. Fuck it all.. 14 fucking people in my life dead. Can't take much more of this. 326 in the afternoon and I'm drunk.. I don't drink but I'm drunk. I need help.. Vibes, prayers what the fuck ever. I'm so done. DH needs to go home to Kentucky for the funeral but there's no way we can afford the plane ticket, rental car and the time off work.. This is all so fucked.. And if he doesn't go his family will never forgive him..

My aunt died early saturday morning, and my mom is heart broken and can't afford to take the trip out to eastern oregon for the funeral and I can't really help her do it either, so I'm offering up all the bags that I made last week for sale. If any of you are interested.. let me know.. Here they are..

He went and got a dog named after him.

at the place.. It's a pretty neat place in PDX if I do say so myself..
http://www.barflymag.com/bar/zachs-shack.html

Lookit me go..

This is next bag in my installment of boredom, and hurry hurry make some shit for the festival and cash..

Someone broke into my car!! And I can't find my wallet.. So I checked my bank accounts... My main checking is overdrawn 300 bucks.. RAR!!! And the bank refuses to fix it. I'm so totally screwed..

be jealous bitches.....

So my friend Michele's birthday was yesterday so I made this for her... It's bright red cordoroy, and black cotton skulls and crossbones for the strap and lining.. Complete with cell pocket and hand appliqued peace sign... I totally rock sometimes...

I've been low calin' in for about a week now.. Lost 10lbs... freaky weird.. But I'm sooooooo bored and starving.... Mama's help me!! I need tasty filling low cal snacks and breakfast/lunch ideas!!!

Doc wants me in the 300-400 per meal range... Fly with that.....

My sisters boyfriend has just been admitted to the hospital, he's throwing up and peeing blood right now. Lonnnnnnng ass story.. I just don't have time to go into it right now.. But they're scared.. Sooooo direct that Mama love at Oregon.

So thought that you guys should see how big the boys are getting...

I haven't quite lost it yet but I'm well on the way. I'm so fucking tired all the time, getting on the computer has been the last thing I've wanted to do in weeks, but I've had several Hipmama phone calls so I thought that I'd update.

Butter: 10 months old, ornery, lot's of teeth, crawling, pulling himself up on every god damn thing that will sit still including the dog. Biting the hell out of everything. Thinking about weaning very soon like.

Well it's the 2nd egg I've found today but the first one was crushed on the porch.. (I think Betty laid on the porch and the dog found it.) Here is a pic!!

Xan is very, very, very proud of his Tickens.. He carried the egg around the house for a good long while then decided that it was time to "make it!" So I made him a fresh scrambled egg with ketchup on the side...

Yay!! We officially don't have to buy eggs anymore!! YIPPIE!!!