I made more money last year. I thought I might grab that tax credit, beg borrow and steal to come up with a down payment, and buy a house. But doing my taxes now it looks like most of the extra money I earned is going right back to the govt. I'm having a poor me moment of 'what's the point?' I wouldve been better off to work less, have more time with my kids, and get the eic. Sorry to rant, but goddammit.

We had icky drama around thanksgiving, followed by no communication. Christmas eve my mom's husband called (and things are a bit rough with us, since he told me he'd just assume I not come over) and said they were having xmas dinner in the afternoon. We called back and said we had made plans but Q, my son, would like to bring their presents by. He and I went over on xmas day to drop off their presents. It was incredibly akward and they gave Q his presents but didn't send my daughter's home for her, which pretty much pissed me off even more. She's 4. They invited my son to come to dinner the next day and I called and left a message saying I needed for there to be some mature conversation around what had been going on, and some resolution. I spelled out what some of my concerns were and the response was a a msg from my mom's husband saying "I don't think we can have a mature conversation until you grow up." and proceeding to negate a couple things I had said but really not addressing much.
So I sent an email, and texted that I'd sent it.
I'll paste in the email I sent and you'll probably get the gist of what's been going on:

"In response to (my mom's husband's) "D"s 'response':

First of all, you did cancel Thanksgiving on (my son, "Q"). he didn't eat a Thanksgiving dinner, because he was saving room for at your house, since we had agreed we would drop him off around 5. So you absolutely did cancel on him, and you owe him if not an explanation at least an apology.

Since Thanksgiving, you've called once with an hours notice to bring Q (not (my daughter) "A") over, and once while we were out of town and unable to return calls (as my message clearly stated). So please don't play off like you make this extraordinary effort to be grandparents that we rebuff.

When I say what my concerns are and what I need for them to be resolved and the response is for D to call and say 'grow up', I'm not sure how you psychologists believe that to be participating in/improving communication. I don't see how not addressing anything I've said and throwing lame potshot comebacks is any effort to repair. Do you?
I don't need for D to like me, just like you don't need for me to like him. I feel that I've been more than fair and accommodating with him. I've welcomed him into the family, I read his book, I've taken his side, I've advocated for him in your arguments in the promotion of peace and reason. I don't feel like he is similarly promoting peace and reason, and I know that he doesn't have a pulse on the dynamic of our relationship, so I would just assume he step out, back off, and stop being your mouthpiece--he's not productive in moving dialogue forward. "Grow up" is not a meaningful response. Speak for yourself, like a grown up.

Your granddaughter is just about the sweetest, most precious thing ever. Everybody loves A--except you. And you're missing out, so much. It is a big, big loss for you, regardless of if you realize it now.
I don't know that it's a loss for her, though. I've gone for awhile with the rationale that something is better than nothing from you. That you're a miserable, vindictive narcissist who sucks at being a grandmother just like you suck at being a mom, but that I would accept how you're willing/able to participate with my kids as taking what they can get from you. that's it's not ideal by any shot of the imagination, but at least it was something...but after this last round of spite I can't justify that anymore.

Q, and (my partner) and I, can understand 'losing it' for whatever reason--that you were stressed out and lost your cool and blew Thanksgiving. We're all flawed and human and can move on. What we can't move past is completely not acknowledging the situation, thus framing it up for Q that that's normal, acceptable behavior, to 'cancel' Thanksgiving (without telling him! We were on the way to drop him off at your house! He didn't eat, because nobody had the common decency to say, 'hey kid, Grandma's losing it and can't pull it together for dinner. And we're supposed to 'assume' that we're going to do xmas dinner with you? that we can depend on you, when you can't even speak for yourself and acknowledge this? like we're going to set our kids up for a 'canceled' xmas?) for him to see 'grandpa's' face scratched up by grandma and la de da, no acknowledgment at all. Would you send your kid into that hornet's nest? Would anyone, without discussion? How do I know you've calmed down, that anything's different, that he's going to be safe? How do I know he'll be in a stable, responsible environment, when you can't even communicate? I wouldn't send my kid to anyone's home with that kind of stuff going on!
And yes, it's a shame for him. Absolutely. And so do I want that to continue? Do I want to set A up for that, or is she better off now having no expectation of 'grandparent's'? Q is very aware that you consistently exclude A, and it's very uncomfortable for him. He chose to sneak his presents into the house and hide them, so her feelings wouldn't be hurt. He loves his sister and knows it's not fair or right or kind to her. How is he supposed to reconcile this? I resent that you put him in that position. In retrospect, I might do things differently as far as encouraging his relationship with you, but it is what it is now, so how do you propose to make it right?

Or else you won't, and I'm okay with that too. I can learn from my mistakes."

That's the end--then tonight I got a text saying they hadn't received the email (it's in my sent box) and when would A come and get her presents. Ugh.
So...I had felt a moment's remorse over some of the harsher things I said here. But for the most part it felt good to call the bullshit for what it is, wipe my hands, and move on. I don't know if they really didn't get the email or are just trying to ignore me, again. So...I'd value your thoughts. Am I being too rough? Or just reasonable? How would you handle this?
love!

Somewhere chill, and forgiving, that sees my heart, and can wrap me up and cocoon me while I shake. I feel like such an ass, on so many different levels. I feel so incredibly incredibly foolish and I'm completely humbled by my own decisions.
S/O and I are splitting up, finally. I'm not really talking about it, because it's not really *done*, but we're close. We're functioning through life events right now, but I'm hoping he'll move out by the end of the month. I'm hoping he won't turn around and fight it. It'll be harder for him, but omg I am so done. It seems so clear now that i've been fighting this uphill battle, trying to prove something, to be something, to make him and our partnership into this thing that it's NOT. And it will never change, we will always revolve in our dysfunctional dynamic, and for what? I am having this glimpse at what my life could be without him and I like it! I like me, and my family, and our possibilities. It feels like such a fucking relief. I'm scared and all that, too--but another time. I haven't told my friends. At one point I was a single mom with lots of single mom friends, and now it's five years later and I'm partnered and my friends have partnered up and all our new friends are coupled, and you know how that game goes. You cheer each other on: 'stick through it/grow together/do it for the kids/this will pass/blah blah blah'. and I don't want to hear it. I've been hearing it, I've been doing it and I think it was a mistake. I want to be congratulated, and supported, not made to feel like a failure. I feel like a failure, okay, I get it. My partnership with him is not what I want for my life and it's not too late to change that. I am 30. I have 2 kids (by 2 men!). The one will be devastated and it will rock her world and I will feel so shitty for it. The other will probably be relieved, that I can parent him more since I won't have to be parenting my partner. i see this now.

I'm quitting smoking. This is day 7 or 8 with just half a rolled cig a day. I'm crying all the time, like really any second that I'm alone--between clients, in the bathroom, in the car. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I'm detoxing. I've tried everything otc 2 or 3 times, and I'm going thru a hard time anyways so I decide to give wellbutrin a shot, but hey it turns out nobody will give me any. I don't have insurance or a regular doctor, the walk-in clinics don't deal with smoking cessation, and every clinic I've tried to get a cash appointment with can see me in 3-4 weeks. All the state sponsored quit lines that I've always been too cool to call are worthless--if all I needed was a phone in counselor to quit I wouldn't really have a problem. All I want is a script--why is that so hard?

And, my kid got kicked out of church camp. We've been going to the UU church, which is very inclusive and in line with my values. They have a notoriously wonderful middle school youth group, which is primarily why we started going. Because while my son is wonderful and smart in many ways, I have struggled with him the last year or two. This has been a hard, transitional age for him--I see him trying on different personas, figuring out how to behave socially, testing boundaries. He's a good kid wearing black nail polish and trying to see what he can get away with. So I signed him up for this interfaith camp that is labeled as a regular camp with all the fun activities and the kids are from different spiritual/religious backgrounds, so it's pretty much about tolerance. Buddhists, Muslims, Christians...I think ds identified as pagan on his sheet. He didn't really want to go and I kind of coerced him into it (it was a week long camp on a sliding scale!). So a few days ago they (the interfaith camp coordinators, not my church) sent out an email with a list of what to bring. Ds apparently sent them a return email questioning some of the policies: "why can't kids bring money? " his tone was rude and disrespectful (he ended it with 'you're sending out a lot of emails, camp hasn't even started yet for christ's sake.") and I got a call yesterday dis-inviting him. oy. His email was out of line, no doubt. I'm embarrassed and disappointed. He's lost his computer priviliges, wrote an apology, and will be doing a lot of chores while he's home instead of off having a good time at camp. But I'm also horrified that he would be excluded like this--what is wrong with people? This is supposed to be an organization to support and teach kids and they're saying he's not welcome cause he was a snot? Um, he's 12! He's learning how to engage in respectful dialogue, which I thought was some of the point of this camp. am I wrong here? It's okay to tell me if I am, I'd really like to hear other perspectives. I spoke with the camp lady on the phone and agreed that his behavior was inappropriate, and also let her know I didn't find her decision very Christ-like or that kind of exclusivity something I wanted to align my family with anyways. I am composing my thoughts to present to the youth folks at my church--I don't want to pin it on them, they don't even know anything about it, but I still feel some doubt on if we should be there.

I went on a big spending spree. I don't even want to think about it.
A doctor who refers a lot--like half my business--to me is irritated with me. I think she sees herself as something of a mentor to me and I really appreciate it. She has a hugely successful practice and always feeds me little tidbits of advice when I treat her...but because I owe her so much our dynamic feels a little wierd now. I want to be confident, skilled, inspiring, grateful, humble. But not a bitch, I don't want to be anyone's bitch. She hasn't tried to make me that, but I am feeling like I'm supposed to be sucking up (without sucking up) more or something.

On the bonus: I'm gonna trade in my minivan for a prius once the man is gone, I can't wait. I'm gonna take the time to exercise more. I'm going to LA for a conference next week--I think that'll be really restorative. I'm gonna get a full mani/pedi before going cause I've already blown my budget so bad I might as well look good.

Thanks for listening, all, I needed to say it. your thoughts and vibes are welcome.

My barely 14yo stepson was invited to his friends birthday party at H**ters this weekend, on our watch. Wow. I am really not okay with this. Am I overreacting? being lame/out of touch/sabotaging his development/social life? I have never been to one, so I really don't know, but just checking out their website makes me feel exploited.
What should I do here?

Seems a little slow on here, and I don't know how to talk about this with anyone, so here goes. We had a little bounce money so this last month I let dp be and wasn't overseeing his every move with money. There were a few expectations, like that he would buy his plane ticket for next month that many people have planned and arranged schedules for. Well, surprise, he completely overdrew his account, and didn't get the ticket, and had nothing to contribute towards an event I assumed he would participate financially for--nevermind the major household bills due in a couple days.
It's not that he blew it frivolously, just irresponsibly. And then he didn't come clean to me. And then he made me the bitch. And then he lied to me. And it's on me to clean up. And I will, but I'm just so hurt.
This morning--after several days of this being a topic of loud discussion--I asked if he wanted me to put money in his account. He had told me he had deposited $300 and needed $75 put in to cover the o/d. So I rush my breakfast and go in to the bank with him and ask how much he's overdrawn. $386. He stammers out that what! He put $300 in the other day. Maybe it just hasn't shown up yet? No, it would've, right away. We're standing there, in the bank, him holding our daughter and studying hard the printout of his account, like that's gonna save him, and the teller and me just looking at him. It was humiliating. I went to work and in our evening conversation he has fessed up and apologized, blah blah blah...I think I'm a little in shock. What am I even supposed to do with that? How can I deal with this in a relationship? Thoughts?

It's a little messy. In short: I was pregnant at 17, married at 18, and left him at 19 (dysfunctional/abusive). He died when I was 21. I quickly noticed the difference in how people treated us as the young widowed/orphaned family vs. the single mom who had left her abusive husband. When ds entered school I decided to just go with it--my personal history is nobody else's business unless I want it to be, and I might as well just let ds know the good about his father and keep it at that--why not?

My boy is going on 12; this last school year has been the worst for us. He spent k-5 in a hippy-dippy alternative school where we sang a lot of songs and the very sporadic homework was due, oh, whenever. No grades. Now he's in an alternative middle school program that is still pretty conventional, and he's failing. Literally, consistently bombing out in certain subjects. He wins school wide awards in reading and tests out as above average, but he's just not pulling it in several (more than half) of his subjects.

At the car dealership to the leathery old guy who as I'm settling into the seat to check out a van says, "So...are you in charge of making this decision all by yourself?"
I think I just dropped my jaw at him and said, "If I choose to I am" and left...but it's bugging me. Give me some comebacks!

Whoo hoo! He's lying on the couch moaning and groaning, which I guess is fair enough, but the clinic didn't even prescribe pain pills, just otc. So how sorry for him should I feel?

We had dsd and dss this weekend. DSD was ON all weekend...I keep looking for the underlying problem, what she's missing, what she needs, and I just keep finding that she flips out when a. she's asked to do something (unload the dishwasher) or b. doesn't get what she wants (ice cream). Major flip outs, cussing out her dad, refusing to do what she's told, screaming and slamming doors.

So, the man and dd3 were in an accident a couple days ago. They're okay, but the car is probably totalled.

Blue milk will still blow dd3's mind, but I need a little something more for ds11.

random ?, 'cause who do I ask?

I'm 30. I have my own business. I need to be professional about this, and I really want some hot pink hair.

I just did them for self and partner (haven't submitted yet, and hoping I can tweak them a little) and we OWE money. I take it this should be viewed as a good thing, that we're making more money...but it doesn't feel good. I'm claiming both kids and getting something back, though less than I have before because I made more. Straight up, I could've worked (or claimed) less and gotten my fat return and called it even. Bullshit. Partner owes more than I'm getting back, which completely boggles my mind because he makes practically nothing.

I'm so sad, mama's. One of my best girlfriends and I had a falling out, and she was really really harsh to me. I know she was reacting to other things going on in her life, it's clear she blew things waaaay out of proportion...but even so. She's known me well for years and our friendship is based on honest communication, and now she's called me all sorts of nastiness and says everybody feels that way but nobody will say it to me. I think that she's wrong, but it really hurts. I'm in a lot of self-doubt.

My partner and my birthday's are both coming up--I'd like to have a party, seems like a good excuse...but I don't really want to have to work at it. I'd rather not have to really clean my house. Definately not cook. We, and most of our friends have young kids, so we could either get a babysitter at the house next door for the kids, or do something family friendly. I'm trying to think of other venues besides our not really big enough house, but am not inspired by a bar. Ideas? Experiences?

Oh, and I'll be turning 30, so, epic would be alright.

One of the things I love about this age is the complete lack of sarcasm; everything is sincere, and almost completely without judgement. But how to teach tact, without teaching dishonesty or censorship? Is it possible?
She saw a large woman bending over and started giggling and pointing, "She has a big butt!! Big butt!!" She wasn't making fun of the woman, just pointing out what she saw. Then today in the grocery store she saw a man with a similair build and skin tone and got very excited, yelling "Obama! Obama! It's Obama Baracka!"

So, I sold a pair of shoes on ebay. She didn't like them and asked to return them. I said fine; send them back and I'll refund the money. It's been 12 days since she said she mailed them back and I still haven't gotten them. She keeps asking and I've said, well, as discussed I'm happy to refund your money once I get the shoes back. I got a snippy message from her tonight about how she's never had a package lost before, etc., and I thought, oh, whatever, and emailed her back returning the money. I don't really care about the shoes, it wasn't a lot of money...whatever. BUT!

I bought one awhile ago while I was sick, but haven't used it. I am quitting smoking, and thinking that will help me clean out, and good preventative for getting sick...but it's still all packaged and I just...don't want to. Is it worth snorting water up my nose?

I'll be honest, I just want to punch my kid in the nose pretty much everyday lately. He's 11 1/2. He's socially akward. He's insecure and defensive. He's a great person--funny and intelligent and sometimes charming and helpful. I feel like we're on this wire, that I have to get it right, now, before it's too late, that he could go either way. I want him to be well adjusted, not sullen and anti social and lame. He's doing alright in school in the subjects he likes, and bombing out where he doesn't really want to follow through.

Anyone know this feeling? A reward after working hard, a break from the kids, decompressing on the phone with a friend, all these little 'me' times are missing now, and I'm not sure to cope. I'm sick, so it's a good time to quit. I'm going to be 30, I wanted to do this anyways. I'm ready. But what bullshit! I'm really seeing what a selfish act smoking is, 'cause I miss it so damn much.

Dss is 13 and lives in the boonies with his mom, her female partner, and his sister. He's doing some bs homeschool thing and is bored stiff. This is a kid who excels in school--is social, athletic, straight A's. More and more he's been talking about wanting to come stay with us, which we've always thought about, particularly for high school. We are in the district of a great, renowned high school that he would be lucky to go to.

My girl is going to preschool 2 days a week, for less than a month now. She was all excited at first, being a big girl ,but now she doesn't want to go. I feel great about the place, the teachers, set up, schedule, and other kids--it's pretty great. I think she's regressing a little and would just rather stay home and pee in her diaper and watch a movie and snuggle, you know. I just gotta stick this out, right? We're thinking of upping her time there, and now I'm worried.

I looked at the bookstore tonight for a book that would tell me, but couldn't find a thing. I just can't stand him right now, and can't stand that he can't stand me. There's little things that happened, that have illuminated deeper underlying patterns--I think I would be better off without him, but I feel like a failure. I'm sad for the kids. Goddamnit! I know he's an excellent father, I know my daughter adores him and will be damaged if he goes, I know my son calls him papa and is entering into manhood and oftentimes goes to him instead of me. But staying together for the kids?