how to do this
HOW oh HOW do I balance the finances, make my kids eat leftovers for lunch at school of the iffy conglomerate meal I made out of any contents of my cupboard that didn't sound gross put together, spend about 6 days a week away from them (and none of it is personal time), spend all this time away to work work work and I can't even take them out for ice cream or pizza without sacrificing something else (like toilet paper)...
I always feel like such an ass when I spend some money on myself - classic out of control symptom- spending money you can't spend because shopping makes me feel like I have some choice - like I work so hard for a reason.
I know this girl - sort of a friend...??? (up for debate)
she lives in subsidized housing (I'm on the wait list) - both kids' dads spend some time with them (so she gets time alone) - she works from home about 3 hours a week...she gets aid (I am all for that, I get aid too but not enough really to help - food stamps keep me from starving) and her family helps financially under the radar of the 'system' - she can afford to have a car, has a bunch of friends and dates. I guess, maybe a lot of that is my bad. I'm just too tired on my one day off and I miss my kids toooo damn much to run around.
The terrible, catty reason that I don't hang out with her anymore? Here's an example: I work on the downtown square and we have Friday picnics there with music. She was there - right in my line of site today - While I worked through my 'lunch break' she danced on the square while her friend hung out with her kids. She had a lunch out and I had a weird corn tortilla wrap thing (because that was what was in my fridge after the kids got the good leftovers)
Yeah, I'm bitter. Yeah, I'm disgruntled. I am also just so damn lonely. I know that none of this is attractive but still, damn.
Someone I know who works with my kids has offered time and again to set me up with her ex. Regardless of the fact that I am not necessarily attracted to him, he's a good dad and seems like a nice guy - maybe I'll go for it...I think she may have mentioned it to him though, the kids and I ran in to him today at the store and he seemed all but absolutely disinterested in talking...oh well.
Again, better luck next time, right?
All in all, regardless of the good I am feeling particularly "blech"
GOOD:
1) DD is going to start kindergarten next month (more on that later)
2) My job is awesome - I am respected and listened to like never before - chosen for responsibilities, trusted, etc. Sometimes I feel a little bit like Sally Fields at work ("they like me, they really LIKE me")
3) FAX has earned a new title - MAX (most awesome X) - He actually, regularly offers to watch ds when I work Saturdays so that I don't have to pay...where was THIS guy when we were married? Don't know, don't care - point is: If I had to have an ex who put me through as much shit as he did (before, during, and after marriage) he is making up for it tenfold
4) Going car free was a good choice - riding by broken down cars and the gas station make me REALLY really (x more and more) happy that I am out there, getting air and sun and showing my kids another way to do things (dd never asks anymore why we don't have a car - she declares proudly we don't have a car)
5) Got to watch my amazing little girl get a tooth pulled (boo ) with more style than any grown up ever could! SOOOO proud!
6) FINALLY found quality care! Kids have a good sitter to take them from school to me (cuts miles off my commute) and a good sitter for some Saturdays...no more creepy or over priced sitters who don't take my kids outside on beautiful days! Actually came home today to sitter and ds outside playing (she was helping him ride a bike!)
7) My sister (older) was awesome and kind enough to lend me the money so I could pay my rent - it was really really sweet. I love my big sister and hope that some day ds can appreciate dd that way Getting a raise at work - didn't ask how much but seeing as how I only make minimum wage right now I am pretty stoked. If I were to list off all of the things I needed to know in order to have this job in the first place - let alone what I've learned so far - I'm torn between really gracious no matter how small the raise and really set to be unimpressed if it's too low (considering)
BAD:
1) I am between 85-95% SURE that my lass asshat 'boyfriend' gave me HPV - this comes with a slough of concerns health-wise that I need to address. Few things make me more miserable than imagining putting the heels up in those stirrups - one of them being dying young...que lastima
2) POOR POOR POOR!!!! I work full time, spend approximately 6 days a week away from my kids and still can barely afford rent let alone all of the backtracking I have to do from the homeless, jobless shit
3) Mom and younger siblings don't talk to me. Actually walked past my job today looking straight ahead like I wasn't there. I said to my coworker - hey there's my mom and he laughed because he thought I was joking. nope. She even missed the little guy's second birthday - that was almost unforgivable (on the spectrum of shit she's put me through - that was low but the last straw)
4) ds and I have had loose stools for a while - I know it's because we haven't been dutifully avoiding dairy (we're both highly sensitive - allergic). I feel that adjusting his diet will be necessary if potty training is to be successful - though apparently he has been peeing in the potty at his new school...
the wtf....well, as I've gone through the good and bad I see nothing but the fact that my goods far outweigh my bads and so now I will have a good evening (I get to sleep in tomorrow!!!!)
on monday you will be two years old (TWO WHOLE YEARS!)
I remember so clearly things that you will NEVER be aware of...the assumption that one week of binge drinking equated 4 weeks of sickness - turning down coke at a party because I was feeling nauseous...
Being locked in the bathroom by a loving and concerned friend (who just married the boy I thought I was falling in love with while dating while pregnant with you - life is weirder than you know *yet*) who wouldn't let me out until I peed on the stick (happy face=pregnant and sad=no - how ironic and presumptious)
long conversation about 'options' with said friend
your 'dad' deciding 'wolf spider' was a good name (hey - wolf would fit this boy!)
struggling to survive telling so fresh an ex husband I was preggos
coming here for answers
close girlfriends who were astounded at my character for keeping you
the day I decided I couldn't - and then less than 24 hours later deciding I had to (and every day being SO SO SO x infinity glad I made the choice to keep you)
telling your 'dad' that nothing would stop me
enjoying every GOD DAMNED MINUTE of your pregnancy - being fat and sick and tired and happy (after a drawn out split from your sister's dad)
feeling you kick head down at 32 weeks (how's that for timing?)
seeing Kimya Dawson in concert so close to your birth and screaming at punk kids smoking near me....mostly backed up by much bigger than me friend (now married to boy who was my date to show...)
water breaking on my bike...calling friend to meet me for dinner ('shouldn't you call your midwife first?')
eating burritos and ice cream waiting for imminent contractions...
the contractions coming...you coming...the MOST BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING DAY OF MY LIFE: and now for pictures
welcome dear http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1020132.jpg http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1020111.jpg http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1020145.jpg http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1020132.jpg http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1020220.jpg http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1030634.jpg
2 year old pictures to follow...
I am lonely. Being a single mom can suck sometimes. When the kids do something amazing and there's no one to turn to and share that "awwww" moment. It's hard, and sometimes shitty, and no matter how hard you try, without a support system you don't get to see the new star trek movie in the theatres...but your kids are amazing and even snotty nose kisses are the bomb!
So, I occasionally find myself attracted to someone. Like recently, a situation in which I made a total ass of myself.
Found myself attracted to a guy....someone I see through work on a regular basis (maybe 1x a week)
Had an inkling he might lean the "other" way...didn't want to ask around because in such a small town those things don't go unnoticed...
posted a missed connection - who knows " so and so" is he gay, straight, single, etc.
His mother responded - yep. A glowing letter of recommendation from his mother.
I ignored it until he posted his own missed connection asking if his mom had posted original request - I had to post another missed connection saying that his mom had not posted it - didn't realize he would respond to that via email - or that my response would show my full name in the "from" section of email - oh yeah, and a picture...
so then he knew who I was
There was either mild flirting or niceties - won't go in to details just now.
He invited me to come see him @ work
I did
He hugged me, we talked. I felt like the hug was a consolation prize, the free food was a consolation prize - him asking what I was up to this weekend was just polite
and me saying that I knew I could find a babysitter - blew it
he didn't come see me today @ work like he said he would
he hasn't emailed since (except to offer me more yummy food - another 'consolation' prize?)
I'm sure he's busy - we all are.
I'm sure I'm reading too much
I'm sure he's not the one - it's easier that way
I'm NOT sure how to ever meet someone
I'm too young to have resigned myself to a life of work + kids and nothing else...I miss my old friends and old life.
I miss meeting new people who are under 50
I miss feeling that spark (and felt like the heat of a spark grazed me yesterday...then fizzled today)
I'm way more bummed than I should be over someone who I don't actually know.
And I feel like I should totally stop trying
Every morning putting on mascara feels silly
It feels ridiculous to care how my boobs look in such and such shirt
But I know there's more
I've seen it happen
Just not to me
no time really to write regularly
(new) full time job
(new) awesome bosses...doesn't pay well but hey, I get to do something I like and am good at
figuring out childcare shit
carfree and tvfree family now
it is awesome
still raw about happenings over last few months
pulling head above water
narrowly missed some potentially big blows
(oldschool) hipmama coming out to visit soon
riding bike, building muscles, getting to enjoy the scenery
it's all uphill from here (as in work but worth the view)
love all the mamas!
so I lost my job and then my grandma.
Short short on how...she had a drastic surgery summer '04 in order to "fix" her UTIs and prevent them from damaging her kidneys...bladder and urinary tract (including urethra and vag) were removed, hello urostomy bag.
Ok so fil is very sick, 1 or 2 years left got to work early on accident still no home, no $ car is making noise, fuck. Will need cosignors for house and inevitable car, it costs me $ to go to work sometimes, between gas and daycare! Shit
Vibes, love, etc. Anything helps. Today better get better!
I rarely check here, if anyone wants to keep in touch my email is ejlambster at gmail
haven't been around for a couple months or so. We've been homeless since the end of august, wandering. penniless most of the time barely scraping by whichever way we can. Can't even look for work because childcare grants aren't available until cash aid is granted, looking for a house, getting subsidy for deposit, etc. Looked at a good one yesterday in a tiny town where the forest meets the sea. There I could keep my dog. almost every where else I'd have to give him up at least for a little while. Don't really know anyone here, my mom is a flake and isn't there for me in any way.
has been dead 11 years today
he died alone, drug over dose
was he scared?
too high to care?
either way, the last thing he said to me?
I'll always love you
last thing I said?
well, I don't love you
today is a shitty day
august is a shitty month
I just want to crawl in a hole
so...quick back story...
my "man" or the man who was my "man" lives in a tent (hot) and out of his back pack...he asked me to embroider home sweet home on his back pack. I didn't get the chance...so, anyway, he's coming to town tomorrow. I made him this, and also, he has a tattoo of the pabst blue ribbon...
so I'm really proud of this and hope he comes around so I can give it to him. it's to put on his back pack...who wouldn't love me?
This is a long story and I've told it too many times over the last few days to go back in to detail without crying, so here goes the quick and dirty: (keeping in mind this all happened in less than 48 hours)
*in the morning had a fleeting moment of wanting to break up with my man because, I realized later he was talking about hanging out with his ex the next day-and though I was not really cool with it, I didn't want to be like "that"-it was important for him to be friends with her...but i didn't say anything until
So, I have been seeing this guy for a couple of months. It's awesome, right, we're doing really well, we're in love, yadi yadi yadi...yesterday was a bad day though. I went to pick him up from a bus stop really hung over and looked at him in the car and for a split second I wanted to break it off...but I can't say why and I didn't say anything to him I just freaked myself out and then right away realized how silly I was being and how much I am in love with him. we had a good afternoon and I told him what I had thought-dumb.
so here's the story-it's sort of dumb...maybe?
the guy that I'm seeing is someone I have known for a long time. Not long after we first met he hooked up with a mutual friend, right? They were together from then until this spring (um...over 6 years) in june we got together
In 2000, at 18, a college freshman living in the dorms I got pregnant. Making the choice to terminate the pregnancy had less to do with a fear that it would cramp my style than knowing that the guy would bail (because he told me so) also, seeing as how I got pregnant the first time we fucked...well, and we ended up just not getting along very well, it was the best choice for me then. For some odd reason, though, considering I had always said I would NEVER have children, EVER...that experience made me feel initiated in to the world of mothers.
I know I've disappeared a lot and rarely post...I used to be on a lot, but now I've been more absent. anyway, I'm awesome, in love, retardedly so actually and trying to swing taking the summer after college off money-wise....it's not going so well.
anyway, I'm amazing and wanted to check in.
SO and I were walking through a grocery store in a very small and somewhat redneck town on Friday and he's got dd and I've got ds and, to be true, we are probably not the most normal looking people ever. We were apparently taking up the whole aisle because this poor little old man, dressed to the nines-suspenders, a hat, a bow-freaking-tie, stops in front of us, does the little excuse me dance and says "you guys make me more nervous than a whore at a sunday school picnic...your children are beautiful"....BWA HA HA!!! freaking weird little old man...
) with more style than any grown up ever could! SOOOO proud!
Getting a raise at work - didn't ask how much but seeing as how I only make minimum wage right now I am pretty stoked. If I were to list off all of the things I needed to know in order to have this job in the first place - let alone what I've learned so far - I'm torn between really gracious no matter how small the raise and really set to be unimpressed if it's too low (considering)
