An old neighbor of mine moved away from our town, leaving her son and husband. No custody battle, she didn't want to take her eight year old with her.
And the midwife we were seeing (before my pregnancy turned crazy and high risk) moved away, leaving her daughter (I am not sure how old she is - in the eight to twelve range).
I know they both had reasons, I know I don't know all of them, but it's two more women that I know personally who have left their kids with no plans to do more than visit them occasionally and I can't stop thinking about it. It freaks me out. No, I don't freak out when men leave their families (in the same way at least), and yes, it seems somehow different to me. And being a mother, I just don't get it.
So I am not sure why i am posting about this, other than I can't seem to get it out of my head. I mentioned it to one friend and she pointed out that the son and dad were kind of awful. I guess it freaks me out because while I chose to become a parent (or to try to) I don't consider it optional at this point. I can't imagine doing that (unless I was being abusive and couldn't stop and it seemed like the only way to save my child or something).

So why don't adults treat them that way?

I have a friend. She's always late to meet me for lunch. Do I:
a)reward her with clapping, praise and a cookie if she's on time, and maybe a sticker and if she gets enough sticker she can have a prize.
b)punish her. If she's late she gets a time out AND doesn't get a cookie after lunch
c)get over it and accept her OR tell her I have a problem with it and then accept that she may or may not change her behavior OR bitch about it to my husband but love her anyway.
And how about my son when he does stuff that is irritating, not totally considerate, but doesn't hurt anyone?

A five year old is in a coffee shop reading a book quietly. She is called "good" by passing adults.
Later the girl gets up and wanders around looking at the artwork (her mom is talking to a friend still) and two adults say she's restless, a third comments on how thoughtful she is to be looking at the art. Later still (she's been in the coffee shop for well over an hour and her mom is still busy)she starts whining to her mom and tugging on her clothes and pouting. Now she's "naughty", "what a brat", "poor thing", and "I would never have a child like that". During this same time period adults in the shop have been quieter, louder, moved around more and faster, been raising their voice at the barista but no one labels any of them.

I am walking down the street with my son and two adults say hello to him. He says hello back. "What a nice little boy" says the second. Later he doesn't highfive a stranger on command and the stranger says he's shy. Then an old woman tells him she's going to get his nose and he looks away. Then she tells him he should come home with her and he says no. "What a mean little boy you are" she says, smiling.
If I walked down the street alone none of these people would likely have interacted with me, but if they did I wouldn't likely have been judged, labeled, teased and then criticized.

People don't get mad at me every time i say no. They don't touch me without asking much. They don't touch my head and face without asking or being close friends. They don't tell me who and how I am upon meeting me once.

Parenting books are so often about how we can change our kids behavior through trickery, manipulation, lies, giving them two options they don't like either of, praising them, threatening them, punishing them. But what about who he is and what he is and who he is becoming and his dreams and ideal? Where do they fit in when it's all about behavior?

He's not a dog. I don't want to use behaviorist techniques to shape his behavior. So that he will do what I want when I tell him to do it. Do I?

He's my equal. I have an enormous amount of power over him because I am his mom, his main squeeze, his one (for now at least). So shouldn't I use my power with thought and care? Shouldn't I be as gentle as I can to guide him where he wants to go? OR was he born bad, and it's my job to reform him. I know him. He was born good and true. So I can respect him, and teach him what will hurt him, and explain how people like to be treated and why. Explain that he shouldn't hit people because it hurts them, not that he shouldn't hit because he will get in trouble. Let his reward for being kind be the kindness and love that people give him for doing it, not making kindness = cookies. Not that cookies are bad. We both love cookies.

If I always tell him what to do and when and how and where, how will he know what to do and when and how and where when I am not there? How will he make good choices later if I make all his choices for him now?

I think he should do mostly what he wants. And mostly he does, and almost every single thing he does is pretty cool. He's four, he's a good person. And sometimes we have conflicts, but are they behavioral problems? Developmental problems? Or do we just not agree and refuse to listen or compromise together?

I am suffering from parenting contamination or something. I hang out with some moms and kids where the parenting is very different from what I do, and where it is not the kind of thing that I want to do, or would work for our family, and somehow, just by being around the other person, I start to gradually shift in their direction and it's really screwing up my relationship with my son right now. Plus some of the other kids behavior is showing up in him, and of course it is not the other kid's good behavior.

like this article I read today in a free seattle parenting publication - about how the crappy economy is forcing people to cut back on their kids classes, how parents are getting laid off and having to let the nanny go and stay home with their kids, and how this is forcing them to actually spend time with their kids. They do say that spending time with the kids is good, but the whole reason is all because they were forced to do it because of the economy.

I had to say, because I swear my first year or so of posts here were all I-am-so-mad-at-my-husband-for-not-helping-me-more, that things have been pretty good between us lately. I love him, I have loved him, still think he's attractive and funny, like how he looks in pants (and out), he's a great friend and supporter, but in addition to all of that - it's been great to be married lately, not just fine, not "ugh, this man is driving me crazy" all the time. ANd I like it, I want more, and that is all.

not a baby who has a fever, a me who has BABYFEVER. I hate this. It's been going on and on and on and on. In my imaginary world where nothing is real I would pop out a baby girl. But I can't, or it's close enough to can't that it's pretty much not ok, not going to happen. I had my son three months early, he had tons of complications and I was really sick for a long time, i managed to die briefly at the hospital (eclampsia) and it was hard to get under control and the whole think went from totally fine to totally fucked in about 24 hours.

Ok, so about nine months or so ago I wrote my mom an email (which I posted here) telling her I wanted a break. Today I wrote her an email telling her I wouldn't be coming back from the break in the foreseeable future. After writing the first email, I was all shaky and weepy and nervous, after this one I am excited and happy. It's weird. I guess I've come a longer way than I thought.
So no contact may seem harsh if you don't know the story, but pretty much she has a mental illness and is abusive, and after 33 years of being her thing, I am done. And it feels good.

I just read about this today and it's totally creepy. Mercury is found in corn syrup (not all, some but there is no way to tell as a consumer) and corn syrup is in most processed foods, and soda pop and tons of things that we eat in restaurants.

ok, so he's no baby, he's four. But it was his idea and I love them. We just had him do a few paintings on cardstock, cut them up and had them laminated (because contact paper looks so assy after a few minutes).

So this flooding thing is crazy - is everyone ok?
We live on an island up near Seattle, so if anyone wants to stay up here or needs help once the water goes down, please let me know. My broken car is supposed to be fixed today or tomorrow, so we'll be available soon. Or, we will be more fully available at least.
I don't know that anyone has a need, but if you do, let me know. I can drive, cook, clean and watch kids, among other things.