this is my last cycle before I hit the two year mark of trying to conceive. I keep meaning to post something and say hello to the ladies and tell you all something but I don't have much to say about it other than I CAN'T FRIGGIN BELIEVE THAT I'M HERE AT THE TWO YEAR MARK!!!!!

but... we are in Austria now. and can probably afford to do some more extensive fertility stuff. I just gave this last cycle a big hurrah by adding in some home inseminations on the days that my poots was too sore to have sex with dh... but we are both just so discouraged.

anyone else here deal with infertility?
anyone else at least have an HSG or some laparoscopy done? I mean I think those are the next two things up for me on the "treatment" end of things....

Hugs to all the ladies

Lapis

not much activity around here! where are all the ladies? I'll assume that the lack of posting means that everyone is doing really well : )

as for me: still trying to get knocked up... this will be month 21 of actual trying and lets see... shit, i think we are at two years of throwing out the condoms. but Austria has good healthcare and so we are getting some tests done.... I'm currently hoping for a new years baby!! but, we shall see....

hugs
Lapis

it says it all in the title. its been so many many many months... its been over a year actually. and if you count the unprotected sex where we weren't "really" trying, its been almost two years. sigh......

so ok. we just moved overseas and although things here (austria) are pretty sweet (we really like the city we are in and the people here and we will be moving into our awesome apartment tomorrow), up until NOW things have been either super stressful or intensely exciting or busy or new or we were living in a city we hated with work we hated. i understand that those types of circumstances can make it hard for some to conceive. but none the less, I am currently in another two-week-wait and instead of being excited, I'm moody and mean and angry and just plain ol irritated with my husband no matter what he does or doesn't do or should have done or I wish he had done. I'm cold and anxious and jumpy and snappy. I just don't want to be touched or hugged or anything. My boobs hurt like the dickens and I'd be excited that those are all pregnancy signs... except they've all happened before. so instead, i'm just resentful; that he has a job he finally loves (and that can both distract him from this ttc business but also is something he will get to have and love for a lifetime) and that he is a man (or even just a person) who doesn't have to carry the burden of being or NOT being pregnant every god damn month. and on top of all of this, my sex drive is gone!! I can muster up about five days before ovulation when I am in the mood about every other day. after that, its SUCH an effort for me to not feel grossed out by the idea of sex. all of this makes me really sad and feel really bad : ( and I want so badly to just be able to decide that I'm just not going to do any of this angry, resentful, sad, mad business... but alas, I can't really help it.

and of course, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with MY life here in this new country... or even just MY life no matter where we are. I am so distracted about this whole baby/family thing that I find it hard to focus on anything else I would want for myself.... especially in terms of what kind of work would be fulfilling to me. I'm lost in the ttc vacuum that I was certain that Id never get totally lost on. yes, i'm lost in it. totally and completely lost.

any thoughts or commiseration or ideas or supportive words would be ever helpful.
and thanks for listening to my rant

xo
Lapis

so we have exactly one month before our big move.
and we are freaking out. its tense and stressful and neither DH or I have any patience for one another's bull crap. Perspective? basically none. Scared to death? Basically all. We are just trying to remember how pretty it will be.

plus I'm in the middle of ANOTHER tww (will this ever end?)

Remind me ladies, that moving overseas is a great and fun adventure and that I WILL be able to learn German!! and one day I wont be spending half of each month waiting to see if I'm knocked up.

waiting for my period I suppose.
this whole process is so bizarre!

today:

cleaning and organizing to get ready for our move (to Austria). the pile of "to keep" is getting smaller and the pile of "yard sale" is getting larger. so that is GREAT!

and its also 14 days past my estimated ovulation. not feeling anything except wonder (tiny bit tired and a tiny bit sore boobs but that aint nothing new). DH says he's finally starting to get a bit more disappointed each time I'm not pregnant so we are both kind of waiting on baited breath... to see... if.. my temperature... goes down OR stays uuuupppppp! at least today its still up!

and then I felt like lunch and there was nothing but a bunch of scraps so I made: fennel, potato, red lentil, zucchini soup! with the tiny last bit of miso paste! hope its yummy.

hugs to the mamas!

first off:
good news: the man and I are in a super nice, sweet and loving place. such a relief after a little rough stint!

sad news: not pregnant. when my period arrives the hormone rush actually feels great! but then I just feel a lot of sad frustration that getting pregnant is taking soooo long.

so here is my LIST of all my attempts to make my body baby friendly:
omega 3's
a whole foods prenatal (2/3 dose)
hormone cream (made just for me from my ND)
probiotics
"pregnancy prep" (a mix of red raspberry and other fertility promoting herbs)
I walk FAR many times a week
I eat well (gluten/dairy free... and only occasional, like once a month, soy)
I sleep 7-9 hours a night
I drink enough water
I'm not a big caffeine person (maybe some green tea/mate a few times a week)
I have regular cycles
I temp/chart and seem to be ovulating regularly
I don't drink (maybe a tiny glass of white wine or a gluten free beer like once a month max)

I mean seriously what more can I do? ok ok, the relaxation thing is hard for me. I tend to run a little anxious. but I belong to a great group that does peer counseling, so I have a lot of emotional outlets to work on my "issues" and my hormone cream also has a little bit of added support for my adrenals.

I'm at a total loss here. its been nine months of serious effort. and a year and a half of unprotected sort of trying. I'm 27! NOT GETTING PREGNANT IS THE WORST JOKE EVER! my dh will get his sperm checked this december when we are back in canada so we can see if that is the issue here but in the meantime arrgh!!

Any suggestions or words of wisdom or great articles on fertility you feel like sharing would be incredibly helpful. Success stories are helpful too : )

fershility friend says we hit it on the day of ovulation. and that we have a "good" chance for conception.

feeling totally depressed/emotional/sensitive. not sure if that is a pregnancy sign or a "life is rough right now" sign
at any rate, i'm having a hard week : (

we are however, DEFINITELY moving to Austria!
yay!
yikes!!
we leave in mid December.

and the man and I have been having a HARD couple of weeks. i'm sad. he's sad. we aren't finding it very easy to be nice to one another.... even though we really want to be. please remind me that couples have hard weeks and months sometimes?