Found 'em this weekend. This time I'm not fucking around with OTC shit; I called the pedi and she brought in the big guns, some shit called Malathion that seems to be so ridden with chemicals that it makes me fear for DD's unborn children, although at this point I don't know what else to do. My mum and sister both checked me last night and didn't find a single thing on me, which boggles my mind. I'm still calling my doc again tomorrow to ask for something just in case (called today and was told they'd "get back to me" and never heard anything, douches) because if this recurs again I will officially lose. my. shit.

So everything in the house that can be washed went back to the laundromat and I applied the rifuckingdiculously repulsive Malathion to her hair while she objected loudly and with good reason; shit smells like I doused her with gasoline and lit her on fire, and then doused it with gin. Awful. I feel like a shitbag for having to do this, but it's the third time in two months, and I don't know what else to do. I'm doing everything by the book, just like I'm being told from every direction, and still...those fuckers keep coming back. My mum was all "oh, if the doctor prescribed it then it can't be bad for her." and...well, I wish I could believe that, but I doubt this is GOOD for her. I weighed the risks and benefits-- risks being obviously that these chemicals are a terrible thing to introduce to a three year old'd body, benefits being that if this licks it for good I can finally sleep at night and know she's not going to get thrown out of daycare for having a bug on her head that I didn't know was there-- and decided at this point I don't want to fuck around anymore. Obviously I feel guilty, or I wouldn't be blathering on about it. She needs to keep this garbage on her head for TWELVE HOURS and then we'll get up at the butt crack of dawn to wash it out.

I pray to all that is holy that this shit be done with, here and now. I realize there are far more worse things than harmless bugs; my daughter is healthy and happy and for that I'm grateful a bazillion fucking times over....but for real, I can't do this anymore. Once a year or something, maybe. But three times in 8 weeks? I'm losing my mind. I'm terrified she's going to get booted from daycare for X amount of days that her provider thinks will be "safe" and I'll have to miss work. I can't even sleep at night. So PUH-LEASE, let this be it!!!

Ps- her school still claims she's the only one who has it. Has EVER had it, actually, other than ONE kid five years ago. I smell bullshit, and loads of it. Thursday is her last day at this daycare (not because of the lice, but because we're moving!) so hopefully the Noxious Chemicals and Change of Schools combo will be the ticket out of Licetown that we need. {Crossing fingers}

i want to smash something, i feel so helpless right now. about a month ago DD was scratching her head alot so i did a thorough check and sure enough-- motherfucking lice. i was horrified. i've never dealt with this before, even growing up in a family of 4 kids, but i figured shit out and got it taken care of. i washed and dried every single towel, pillow, pillowcase, sheet, blanket, and item of clothing either of us had worn in the predeeding couple weeks. every single stuffed animal either went into a sealed trash bag for two weeks or was thrown into a dryer on high heat for an hour. we both used the shampoo, and then i nitpicked through her hair for hours to get every single last egg and bug. a friend who was a camp counsellor went through my hair and didn't find anything, which wasn't any consolation. i nitpicked every single night and morning for a week, and washed her blankets and pillows daily. i shampooed her again after a week, and kept checking every other day. the two days a week she goes to school they did a thorough head check during drop off for two weeks to make sure she was "clean" and they didn't find a single thing. a month went by, and i started to forget about Motherfucking Lice.

started to, anyway. kid was scratching again this afternoon, and sure enough-- MORE. MOTHERFUCKING. LICE.

everything that could went straight to the laundromat. everything else went back into trash bags. we shampooed. i meticulously and obsessively nitpicked for awhile. we stopped so she could have some ice cream for being such a good girl. i nitpicked some more. we stopped so she could take a twenty minute dump and i casually nitpicked while she was pooping. we stopped for a few minutes and went outside to do a few laps around the house so we could both get a break, and then i nitpicked some more.

i'm not seeing anything anymore. obviously i'll keep looking, morning and night. pillows and blankets will be changed daily. i'll shampoo her again in a week. WHAT THE FUCK ELSE AM I MISSING HERE?!?!?!?! her school *claims* that DD was the only kid that had it. actually, they *claim* that in the 15 years they've been open DD's only the second kid who's ever had it. i say fuck them, that's bullshit. either parents just aren't telling the school when their kids have it, or the school is blatantly lying to try to keep their lice-free badge shiny or something. anyway, they claim that all the kids were checked and nobody had anything. they claim that parents were notified and kids were checked at home, and nobody had anything.

so fucking FINE. the school must be lice-free. our house is supposedly lice-free. our car is supposedly lice free. so why isn't her head?!?!? i did it all by the book. it was supposed to be over and done with. i wasn't supposed to have to sit and pick through my kid's head again with tweezers, a metal comb, and a magnifying glass while she didn't even shed a tear as her neck cramped up. i wasn't supposed to have to be biting my nails worrying that they'll find anything on her head before school for the next couple weeks, and that i'll have to miss work because she won't be able to go and i don't have other care for her. i wasn't supposed to be making up more soothing bullshit lies about how i'm only looking through her hair for "germs". she doesn't know they're bugs, and i refuse to let her know.

for real, i want to break something with my arms and legs right now. i want to kick and scream until i fall asleep. bugs, in my kid's fucking hair. possibly in mine now, i checked the front of my head as best as i could and didn't find anything but i don't have anyone to check me thoroughly tonight. the tough luck side effects of being a single mom: nobody to check my head for lice. i'll stop at my mom's and have her check me in the morning and then deal with it if i have it too.

somehow, one egg or one bug escaped our licecapades last month and started another infestation on my poor kid's head. hopefully this time all those fuckers will die and be gone so this doesn't happen again. in the mean time, i may have to legitimately ask my doctor for some valium or something because my mind is about to explode.

fucking lice. fuck this.

/end rant

it's in the city i work in, so it would mean no more commute. it would mean i'd have to find a new preschool for DD, but it would be worth it: there's two bedrooms (YAY! no more living on the couch for me!), it's close to work, it's the same price as where we live now (with heat included), and i bet the landlord is way less of a douche than Captain Slumlord who owns where i live right now. it's in the inner city, and while i don't love the area it's in i'm staying openminded because i don't know which house it actually is. i do like that it's in a house rather than a big apartment complex, and it's on the third floor-- which i like for single mama safety reasons but hate for other reasons, like moving all my shit three floors up.

so any vibes would be so so so appreciated; vibes that it's as great as the pics make it look, vibes that the part of the 'hood it's in isn't too overwhelming for me, vibes that the owner is as flexible on the deposit as he says he is, and vibes that he likes us.

leaving in one hour...here goes!

for watching JAWS with her during one of her supposedly "supervised" visits tonight and causing her to not be able to go to sleep now because she says she's thinking about "scary sharks that eat boats and people."

don't worry about it, though, because in his defense she WANTED to watch it, and he didn't let her watch the REALLY scary parts. and oh, since he "stands firmly" by his decision despite the fact that she's scared shitless now, i must just be a raving lunatic for having a problem with it. if he "stands by it" then it must have been a good choice to let a three year old watch a horror movie, right?

my statement to him: "parents make mistakes. the key is to learn from them. please do not let our daughter watch horror movies ever again."

his response: "i stand by the decision. she wanted to watch it, and i thought she could handle it. and in the future when i think she can handle something, i'll allow her to do it. some of those time, unfortunately, i'll be wrong. this was one of those times."

/HEAD FUCKING DESK

here's why: our multi-state affiliate of the "mother" company recently hired a big marketing firm to help us with our "re-branding" goal. we recently got a new CEO and he's really psyched about the idea of refreshing and re-branding our image, and from what i understand he's big on trying to erase the stigma and stereotypes associated with our organization.

anyway, there's a brand trust meeting coming up later in the summer with the CEO, marketing firm, and some of the higher-ups in the company, and I WAS INVITED!!

i'm beside myself with excitement, and also nervousness. i must have made a good impression on the director of community engagement when we spent a couple hours shooting the shit after i met her recently, because today i got an email from her that was also addressed to 11 other members of our affiliate (out of hundreds!) inviting me to the meeting. i think i'm the lowest person on the "ladder" that was invited, which is way cool but so so intimidating. knowing i'll be in a meeting with the CEO makes me quake, but i know they must be interested in my input or else i wouldn't have been asked to attend. i'll even get to travel for a couple days to go, which is always fun!

so yeah, i'm *so* proud and psyched that they want my voice as part of the process of innovatively re-building our organization. i have no idea what changes are in store for us all, but it's way exciting!

a friend that i bragged about this to reminded me jokingly that i started off my career with the company by *almost* turning down the interview because i feared i was underqualified. remember how scared i was?! this invitation could open up so many doors for me if i make a good impression and have solid input to bring to the table, which is suuuper exciting. i'm confident that i'll have some valuable ideas, but still.... they invited ME!? whoa, right?

i decided i'm wearing a hawt power suit to the meeting and carrying a briefcase. who cares if all that's in it is lip gloss, my inhaler, and my phone, right?!

At work we use a sharp tool called a tenaculum to hold the cervix in place during colposcopies and abortions, and today I accidentally poked myself in the pinky with a used one with blood on it, and it went through my gloves and drew blood.

Deep breath.

Because the tenaculum had come from a sink full of used tools that I was preparing to clean and autoclave, we have no idea which patient it came from. Thankfully, none of our patients today are know n to be HIV positive and none of them have an admitted history of intravenous drug use. We filed an incident report and did a blood draw today to test for HIV and Hep C so we have proof in case of a worst case scenario that I was negative for both when the accident happened, and we'll do another in three months.

Only .5% of Americans are infected with HIV, and 1.8% have hepatitis C. The chances of the blood on that tenaculum having either virus is suuuuuper slim. Statistically, I don't have much reason to worry.

As much as I know this, I'm a bit shaken up and today was completely draining. I'm freaked out and also disappointed in myself for what I thought was blatant carelessness, but my co-workers admitted to me that pretty much all of them have done the same thing at some point in their careers in healthcare. So I don't feel like as much of a clumsy dummy, which is good, but I'm still bummed out.

Here's hoping that the nervousness passes and the next few months until the re-test pass quickly, and that the odds are my friend.

it's been far, far too long since i've posted a grats list and it's about time....so here goes.

1. the local independent record store buys used movies and cds and it's a godsend! i threw a bunch of cds i don't listen to anymore (i have them all on itunes but i still can't bring myself to part with the ones i listen to alot; it's a music-obsession-thing!) and some DVDs i havent pulled out in a while in a backpack and headed down there after work today and walked out with $70 CASH! that got me: a full tank of gas, some basic groceries (bread, milk, fruit etc), and leaves me with $20 leftover. plus, it gets rid of some of the *junk* that builds up quickly in this tiny apartment. can i get a fuck yes for places that buy used shit?!

every single penny counts!

2. friends that look out for my ass are amazing. i was stuck on a phone plan with FAX (loooooong shameful, moronic story) until a few weeks ago when he had my line shut off out of spite when i told him i think it's time for a new child support hearing. verizon wanted $400 for me to get on my own account, which is impossible for me. enter one of my amazing girl friends who immediately put me on her at&t plan, where i'm paying HALF as much as i was before for better service! i'm saving money, she won't screw me over (EVER!) and i'm free of the one thing (besides DD) that was tying me to FAX. i know how lucky i am to have friends like this, and i make sure i let them know every chance i have.

i think this picture sums it up: whether we like it or not, ask for it or not, helping hands are the foundation we're all built on. i put that hand out for others as much as i can, and i know that it's there for me when i need it, even if it's something as small as needing a phone.

3. i know i've given grats/props to the library before, but i've got to mention it again. hundreds of thousands of books in one place, available on demand, FOR FREE! the children's room at our local library is awesome, and it's a great place to go on a hoooot day to cool off and relax for awhile. DD adores reading and we leave with about 15 books once a week when we go. she'll be old enough for her own card when she turns four, and she's already excited about it. that's a pretty effing big step, right?! plus, having information about *anything* at my disposal is priceless. i'm an info-holic and the library is my mecca. no matter what's going on in my life, in the world around me, i can always get lost in a book.

our library doesn't look like this, but it'd be pretty goddamn cool if it did.

this past week has been a suckfest, mentally and physically. i woke up last thursday with an awful sore throat, bad enough that i was having trouble swallowing and went straight to the doctor. the rapid strep was negative (as was the culture) and the DO ulitmately said i had a virus and needed fluids and rest. that night i tried to go grocery shopping and suddenly got sweaty and achy and dizzy a few minutes into the shopping trip, and then burst into tears for pretty much no reason. i drove us home after sitting in the car for twenty minutes with DD until i felt okay enough to drive, and when i got home i took my temp and it was up to 103. i was miserable. cried all night on and off because i was so achy and scared, and barely slept that night. by the next day the fever was down to under a hundred and i spent the day home from work in bed while DD was at school. by saturday and sunday i wasn't feeling too bad, just tired and hoarse and a little achy. suddenly sunday night, though, whatever it is that i've had moved into my lungs and hasn't budged since then. i spent sunday night coughing and wheezing and sputtering and using my inhaler constantly, so went to the ER on monday morning. they gave me some fluids and a nebulizer treatment and after running some tests told me that while my resting oxygen levels were okay, my ambulating oxygen levels were pretty bad, down to 86 at some points. they put me on zithromax for whatever the infection is (assuming it's bacterial) and prednisone to bring down the inflammation in my lungs, and told me that i have to stay in bed for the week or i'll most likely end up on oxygen.

we stayed at my mom's that day and night and she took care of DD, thankfully. yesterday DD had daycare (which i have to pay for whether i send her or not) so i spent the day in bed again. today she's with her other grandmother until bedtime, so i'm set up for another day of bedrest without my little one around. it's a relief to know she's taken care of (SUCH a relief!) but i feel shitty that i've barely paid attention to her lately. she's been happy and cooperative to it doesn't seem to be bothering her, but i miss our normal routine.

i'm not feeling much better after two days on the steroids. i'm still gagging and coughing, and my lungs still feel heavy and tight and achy. i can't take a deep breath without coughing, and i get winded talking for more than a few seconds. last night i had some really bad coughing fits and my fingernails started to get a little bluish but since my toenails and lips had normal color i decided to sleep on it rather than calling my mom in the middle of the night to bring DD and i to back to the ER, and thankfully when i woke up this morning my nailbeds had healthy color again. the prednisone is making my hungry and weepy, but i don't feel like it's helping my lungs much. maybe i'd be worse without it, who knows.

i'm lonely and scared and depressed right now. the house is a mess. i need to do laundry and dishes, but with the threat of dropping oxygen levels looming i'm ignoring the house and following orders and resting. i'm so thankful that i have people to help take care of DD, but at the risk of sounding pathetic...i wish i had someone to take care of ME. i feel so helpless and alone right now. my mother has kind of washed her hands of me since we left yesterday morning. i have a followup appointment with the DO tomorrow and asked her to watch DD while i go, and she said yes...as long as i pick her up immediately afterwards because she wants to "relax" tomorrow. so no matter how i'm feeling tomorrow, and despite the fact that i'm still supposed to be on bed rest, i'm on my own with DD tomorrow, which feels overwhelming right now. i'm also starving right now (thanks, prednisone...at least i have my appetite back!) and since i havent gone to the grocery store there's not much here to eat besides food for DD. i spent my last few dollars paying my phone bill to get it turned back on so i have it in case i need it, and i don't get paid until tomorrow. i asked my mother to bring me a sandwich this morning and she said "you need a sandwich NOW? can't i just bring you twenty bucks later when i go to work at four?"

and yeah, i'm grateful that she's offering to bring me money for food, but if she were to reach into her fridge and make me a damn sandwich it would be much more helpful. i'm thirty years old, i know it's lame to be bitching that my mother isn't "doing enough for me", but...i'm in a shit position and i'm in need of help right now. i've turned to her for it and i'm left feeling like an annoying burden.

the guy i've been seeing since october turned out to be emotionally handicapped, and i cant count on him for anything, least of all to give me some TLC when i'm vulnerable. for the first few months, when the sex was new and it was all happy and honeymooney all the time things were great, but when shit got REAL, and he started taking me for granted and being distant and grumpy and i tried to talk to him about it, he made it pretty clear that we have different ideas about relationships. i want a partner who's supportive and open and communicative, and he wants a partner who...doesn't have any needs or emotions he has to deal with. he wants a partner he doesn't have to talk to.

so fuck it, we want different things. it's not working. i'm not that upset over it, because for the last month he's been pretty much invisible anyway. i'm not really losing anything. but here i am sick and alone, and i wish he was the kind of guy who gave enough of a shit about someone he claims to care about to actually HELP ME. he stopped by to visit yesterday (i dont know why. i shouldnt have let him) and i asked him if he could please grab me something to eat before he left and he was all "do you want to hang out with me or make me do errands for you?" AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! i'm on fucking bedrest, i don't want to "hang out" with anybody! i want a little company, someone to talk to, and yeah, someone to HELP ME OUT A LITTLE. my needs are clearly outrageous, right?

i'm so down right now. i'm lonely. i'm scared. i tried to reach out to a close friend and wrote to her this morning about how i'm feeling and told her that i feel like i'm i'm falling apart a little, and her response was "well that's not going to help your immune system, you need to think positive." great. that's super fucking helpful. she means well, and she's right, but it just annoyed the piss out of me. anything would have been better than that. just "i know, and i love you" would have been wonderful.

the one good thing is that my boss has been super supportive while i've been out of work, and has made sure that i'll be paid for the days i'm missing with my CTO time. she also mentioned that when i'm back at work she wants to to sit down with me and talk about me doing some new things and taking on new responsibilities at work, because she knows i'm interested in learning as much as possible and she's gotten alot of positive feedback from our co-workers. so, go me. that makes me smile, actually.

but everything else right now is a big load of crud. i'm sick. i'm tired. i'm not supposed to get out of bed other than to whiz. i'm worried about my deteriorating health. i havent connected with my little girl in about a week. i'm lonely. i don't feel like i have any support. i'm broke. i'm hungry (fucking RAVENOUS, actually). i'm bored. the last week is getting me down, hard.

i'm aware that some of the side effects of the prednisone can be depression and irritibility, so i know some of my feelings right now might be due to some hormonal BS going on in my body, but knowing that doesn't help.

i'm just.....BLECCCCH. i know this is one long "wah, poor me" ramble, but i needed to get it out somewhere. i'm so fucking frustrated, and it feels good to vent, so thanks for reading.

*ETA UPDATE*: apparently it really does get darker before the dawn, because i had an awful depressed day yesterday and woke up this morning actually feeling...better. i was breathing a little better and coughing a little less, and i was in a pretty good mood. i slept well last night for the first time in days, and that has alot to do with it, i think.

i had my followup with the DO this morning. he's happy that i've seen some improvement but he's still unimpressed with my lung function so he's upping the prednisone dosage and extending it 9 days beyond the original 6 they prescribed at the ER. he didn't even do a chest xray because he said he's not hearing anything in my lungs that makes him think pneumonia; he's still thinking severe bronchitis brought on by the virus i came down with last week, aggravated by asthma and the shitty air quality lately. he wants me to keep laying low today and tomorrow and then take the weekend to try to get back into our routine so that i can go back to work monday. i can't wait until the weekend is over-- i fucking miss my job! i havent worked since last wednesday, and it's crazy how much i miss it.

anyway, it's good to know that there's slow but steady improvement. DD and i are relaxing at home today, our first day together since sunday. currently we're watching Ace of Cakes, because her new career goal is "selling cupcakes and big huge cakes shaped like airplanes like THAT GUY." it's hooooot today (boooo, air quality) so we're hanging out pants-free and hitting the popsicles pretty hard; it's nice to be around her, even just slobbing around together. she has school tomorrow and then we have the weekend to get back into the swing of things, so here's to hopefully getting normal life back soon!

ps- doc also gave me some codeine to take at night to hopefully fend off the coughing so i can sleep better. why didn't the er think of that four days ago?!?!

pps- now that i know what it is, I WANT PHO!!! it sounds delicious, and i'm looking up vietnamese grocery stores in the area so i can track some down!

my patience for this shit (pun intended) is wearing very very thin. DD (3 1/2) has been fully potty trained since november, and has been pooping and peeing like a champ on the toilet since then. there's been some accidents, but it's no big deal; it happens, and she knows that. but all of a sudden for the last couple weeks she WILL. NOT. POOP. she'll hold it on for days on end. i can tell when she needs to go, because she walks away and stands with her butt against the wall and tenses every muscle in her body and trembles and her face turns purple. we go through like 8 pairs of underwear a day because she gets these turtle heads that poke out (hey shadeshaman, perfect example of "touching the cloth"!!) and then she makes them go back in. i have to FORCE her to sit on the toilet during these moments when the poop starts coming out, and she cries and begs me not to make her. i sit with her, hold her hands, rub her hair, tell her she's safe, everyone poops, it's good for our bodies, it's okay to be scared but that nothing bad will happen. i hum with her, mouth wide open, in the hopes that it will help relax the muscles in her body. she crosses her legs and arches her back, ON the toilet, to stop the poop from coming out. after ten or twenty minutes of this i let her stop because it's not going to happen, we clean up her poopy butthole, and she goes to play...until the whole thing starts again twenty minutes later.

we go through this literally every half hour or so all day long, and so do the people who watch her while i'm working four days a week. she starts at a new school next week, what the hell are they going to do when this is going on all day?! her butthole is constantly covered in poop and she gets itchy and irritated from it. her belly hurts all the time. we can't even GO anywhere because it's such a gross battle to have to engage in when in a public place. when she finally does crap every few days it's either in her pants because her body just literally CANNOT hold it in anymore, or it's after thirty minutes of tearful bathroom drama. she feels better after she poops, even admits it. she says her bum feels better, her belly feels better.

she's NOT constipated. she drinks plenty of fluids, gets plenty of fiber, although after holding the poop in for three days i would imagine it's quite uncomfortable, even painful, at that point to let it out. i don't know why she's doing this after months of crapping like a pro, but i know that it's DRIVING. ME. NUTS. the constantly dirty underwear, the constantly dirty asshole, the hours a day spent in the bathroom trying not to scream "JUST FUCKING SHIT ALREADY!"

i know this isn't uncommon in kids her age, but i'm baffled. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm not proud of this-- quite ashamed, actually-- but the other night i got so annoyed around dinner time after two hours of wiping her butt and changing her underwear that i told her to go sit in her room and not to come out until she was ready to poop. she did, looking dejected, and when i went in ten minutes later to talk to her and tell her to come out for dinner she had crawled under the covers, popped her thumb in her mouth, and passed out cold. i undressed her while she slept, tucked her in and told her i loved her, said goodnight, and left the room feeling like the biggest asshole in the world.

making her feel bad about this is NOT the answer, i understand that. but what IS the answer?? is it time to call the doctor? i've tried rewards, a popsicle every time she drops a deuce on the potty. the automatic punishment by default is that we can't even go anywhere lately. it's beautiful out today, we were planning on going to the farm and getting ice cream and feeding the animals, but the poor kid is limping around the house with a stomach ache and a stinging butthole because she has to shit so bad, so it looks like we're kind of stuck here.

please please please give me some advice, some support, anything, before i lose my damn mind.

full disclaimer: i have a pretty hard time talking about this, because i feel somehow like acknowledging that DD is advanced for her age makes it sound like i think she's 'better' than other kids. i know i don't feel this way but deep down inside i'm worried that other people will THINK i feel this way. i've never really talked about this before, so please bear with me while i try to naviagate my actual anxieties with my anxieties about discussing them!

so okay, DD (three and a half) is a really smart kid. her pedi has been using the word "gifted" since she was about 18 months old, which i'm conflicted about. i mean, what's "gifted" for the pre-school set?! the reason she brought it up was specifically to talk to me about making sure that DD's intellectual needs are met in her home and school environments so she can thrive and continue to grow and advance like she has been, which i'm definitely concerned about even though i know i shouldn't let it overwhelm me. it's not supposed to be something "scary", it's supposed to be an exciting opportunity to encourage my kid to grow at her own rate.

her old "school" she went to when i was working as a nanny (a family daycare) was *perfect* because the small groups allowed for indivualized learning and DD was able to learn at her...fine, i'll say it, "accelerated" pace. this family daycare is not an option for us right now for reasons that deserve a whole separate post, so now that i'm working again i've found a local center that is affordable and i've gotten good recommendations about. we went to visit her classroom today and it was a strange experience for me. she walked in and started reading things off the wall, counting things in spanish, and pointing out colors in spanish and the teachers exchanged glances and joked "hey, what are you EIGHT?!" i just laughed and said "she THINKS she's eight."

it was awkward for ME, not for DD. i was in that weird place between "you don't need to show off!" and "good for you, honey!" i'm worried already, before she's even started at this school, that being in a classroom with 12 other kids is going to be detrimental to her. it'll be a new social experience for her, for sure, but i know she'll be fine with that. she's a friendly, independent kid with no qualms about new places and people, so she'll flourish in that aspect. i just can't shake the feeling that i'm neglecting her growth by not continuing to send her somewhere that she'll have one-on-one specialized attention. am i totally overreacting?

i should put it out there too that i was a "smart kid" growing up. i was the kid, from a young age, that would sit out in the hallway and do different schoolwork from the rest of the kids because my teachers felt i should be learning "ahead". i was nutured by those teachers and by my parents who always supported and encouraged my strong mind. i want to make sure DD is nurtured in the same way, but at three and a half what can i realistically do to make sure her needs are being met???

any ideas?

i feel so uncomfortable right now, geesh. why is this so hard for me to talk about???