my birthday is coming up and the phoenix dude wants to get me a new vibrator because all i do is complain about the one i have now. i want something with dual stimulation. i've been shopping around at babeland, early2rise, and smittenkitten and i've found some stuff that looks good but now i'm even more baffled than ever by how many damn choices there are. i know the rabbit is like the most famous dual-action vibe of all time, has anyone tried it? i find mixed reviews when i search on teh interwebs; it seems that people either love it or hate it. and it aint cheap; the cheapest i found it (the elastomer one, anyway-- safer rubber) is $75. i don't want to waste his money (and my gift, haha) on something i might not like. i know everyone's taste in toys is different, but i just want to get some thoughts.

so is there anything you've used that has blown your mind???

well, lots of things lately, thanks for asking. but specifically right now i'm annoyed that i keep seeing that everybody and their mother has joined that facebook group "i support drug tests for welfare recipients". i think they should re-name their group "let's treat poor people like the scumbag drug addicts we all know they are."

i've wasted my time arguing about it with people, which is pointless i realize because once people are in that place where they want to accuse the poor of a crime, any crime, they probably aren't going to come out of that place just because i argue with them. most of the reasons i hear from people are indignant "why should government money be used to buy drugs?!" which has led me to ask "so you supports drug testing for people in the military, military veterans, government employees, and people receiving unemployment benefits too, right?" and then they get all dicey about it, like "weeeeell, not exactly."

but of course! because we all know war veterans and government employees aren't drug-addled losers, right? they can spend their government money on whatever they want! and then i wonder, how can a drug test prove that someone is spending their "free government handout" on drugs, anyway? if i go out and take a hit of a friend's joint at a party and then fail my drug test, does that mean my daughter's health insurance should be cancelled, and that our food stamps should be taken away?

everyone loves to imagine that people only go on any kind of welfare benefits so they can work the system and spend everyone's hard-earned tax dollars on crack and 40s of Colt, but perpetuating this myth of the drug addicted welfare queen benefits NOBODY. if we get pissed off imagining these welfare queens driving around in their fancy cars with their fancy purses and shoes and top secret easy-access rings full of blow it's because we like to think of ourselves as BETTER than people with less money than us. it's because we think our choices are worth more than theirs, because we make GOOD ones that have kept us from being poor, and they've made BAD ones that have led them to become the losers they are. they must be ingrates, scam artists, immoral heathens floating around aimlessly waiting to pick-pocket the hard-working american people. they MUST be, to have ended up poor, right?

so yeah, fuck that stupid facebook group and all the sheeple that keep joining it to prove that they're better than everyone else with less money.

it's so gross.

...when the Hip Mama wayback machine throws us backwards in time to a random point in herstory. it's awesome to see all the old voices that i've never known around here, and to see some familiar names that have stuck around all this time. i'm gonna keep reading all the old(er)-school posts until Hip Mama comes back to the future.

because i got a call this morning and was OFFERED THE JOB I'VE BEEN DYING FOR!!!! i start march 1st as a Health Care Associate at the aforementioned women's clinic, and i'm giddy with excitement. eeeeeeeeee!

part of the reason i've been so teary all day is because i'm so proud of myself, but alot of the reason is that i realize how blessed i am to have support from so many wonderful women in my life. my family, friends, and even the women here that i may have never met but have always supported me 100%, mean the world to me, and i'm indescribably lucky to have such strong, smart-as-fuck, loving women believe in me.

i feel like this is, quite literally, the "first day of the rest of my life". it's not that everything leading up to here has been worthless, not by a goddamn longshot, but i feel like i'm finally stepping onto the path that i've been trying to find for so long now. i have miles of road behind me that i've travelled with strength, resolve, and the burning fire to succeed, and here i am stepping onto a new road full of mysterious and thrilling new possibilities, all mine for the taking. fuck, i'm orgasmic over this!

thanks again to everyone for their vibes and love and support; this community is an endless supply of mama GRRRR that i wouldn't trade for anything, and as a single mama trying to find my way in this crazy world that's a gift i know not everyone is lucky enough to stumble upon.

okay, i'll stop rambling like a total blissdork and just end with FUCK, I DID IT!!! i can't wait to meet the challenges of this job and rock them all head on. more updates to come, obviously. you'll be wishing soon there's a "hide" option on hip mama like there is on facebook, HA!

<3

two years ago tonight i fed my daughter at my breast for the last time. she was 15 months old, and weaned herself. we were nursing only in the morning and at night before bed and she was spending more time horsing around with my boobs than she was actually eating, so on february 18th i never offered her my breast and she never asked. ever again.

i was shocked and pleased at how well it went after hearing how difficult it can be for many children to wean, but knowing that we were done with that phase of our relationship was bittersweet. she never looked back, not even once. she's still obsessed with boobs, talks about them constantly, pokes mine, pretends to nurse from them(!), pretends to feed her "babies" from her own chubby little toddler titties, but after i nursed her two years ago tonight it was like she said "thanks for the nourishment, mom, but i'm a big girl now!" crazy how that happens.

so suddenly here i am two years later and, WHOA, i'm having baby pangs! i want a warm, soft infant at my breast again. i want those wet gummy smiles aimed up at me, a tiny little arm wrapped around my waist, fingers scratching absentmindedly against my skin. i want the night feedings, the morning feedings, even the round-the-clock feedings. this is the first time i've actually acknowledged that, yep, i want to be a mother again. i'm usually like "eh, i don't know, maybe, maybe not" but now i'm thinking...there's no maybe, i want another baby again someday. someday.

apparently just enough time has gone by that i've managed to forget how tough those first few weeks and months are and i can live in that little fantasy world where having another baby would just be one big happy dream come true where i could sit in a rocking chair and cuddle with my boob in my baby's mouth all day without a care in the world. damn you, mother nature, for making me black out and forget that it wouldn't be like that at all!

anyway, i'm sitting here remembering DD when she was just a babe and it's cracking me up that i'm having baby pangs because i totally didn't expect it.

i went into my favorite natural foods store the other day to grab some sage and, as usual, chatted with the woman who runs the place, just like i've done since i was 15 and started going in there. i told her about my job interview and how excited i am that i think i've got the job, and she asked if i'd "have to be helping people get abortions." i told her yes, part of my job will be counselling people with unplanned pregnancies, and helping them decide if abortion is an option for them. her eyebrows went up and she said "oh, do you BELIEVE in abortion?"

i paused, surprised, and then said "yes, i believe in freedom of choice," which makes more sense than saying "yeah, i totally LOVE abortions! woo, abortions!" and then she said in a disdainful tone "would you ever get an abortion for yourself?"

i was surprised at her pushiness but always enjoy the opportunity to engage in conversations about this topic so i said "i'm not sure. i'd have to be in the situation to decide for sure. i would have thought a few years ago that i would have an abortion if i had an unplanned pregnancy but you know i have a daughter. when i found out i was pregnant with her i decided to have the baby."

"how old were you?" she pressed.

"25."

and she went "pffft" and waved her hand in the air dismissively. "oh, it's not like you were like 19 or something. there was no reason for you to have an abortion."

yeah, i was pretty fucking offended. she was bagging my purchase at that point in the convo and handed it to me while i was still stumbling over how to respond. i ended up just saying "well, sometimes there's a little more to it than that. have a nice day," and walked out because i didn't want to start a pissy argument with her.

this isn't the first time i've heard this rhetoric concerning this issue, and it's obnoxious and rude. being anti-choice is bad enough, but just as shitty is the anti-choice judgement that some people apply ONLY TO CERTAIN PEOPLE. married? nope, no abortions for you. college grad with a decent job? no abortions for you, either. suck it up. mother of two? HELL NO, no abortion for you either. you've already got two kids, what's the difference if you have one more?

and hell, over 20? quit being a baby and just have a damn baby, already! stop whining, it's not like you're still in high school!

it's sickening. that store has kind of been ruined for me now because of that woman's obvious lack of respect for the choices of others, and every time i go in there now i'm going to want to avoid her because it annoys me. she's a totally nice lady, i've never taken issue with a single thing she's ever said before, but i feel weird now.

and i think the next time someone asks me if i "believe" in abortion i'm going to say "nah, i think it's just an urban legend the conservatives made up to scare people."

so i just got a picture text from BD/FAX, who (in case you don't remember) i'm not on good terms with AT ALL due to that fact that...well, he's a raging abusive asshole. it was a picture of a Fancy Nancy doll with an accompanying message that said "look what i got DD for valentine's day! it's 18 inches tall!"
my response, via text: "that's cool, she'll love it. guess what i'm getting her for valentine's day? nothing, because i can't afford it. so good for you that you get to be the big hero who gets her an 18 inch Fancy Nancy doll, while i get to be boring old mom who takes care of her 24-7 and only buys her food and clothes. not that i would have it any other way, just hope you enjoy getting to spend money on her while you're still _______ behind in child support. yep, i'm a fucking bitch, aren't i? i also wouldn't have THAT any other way. i'm not a moron, and i'm not going to pretend to not notice how backwards this is."

i have no fucking clue why he felt the need to send me that picture and message. like, he can't possibly be THAT stupid to think that i'd see it and be like "aww, wow, you're so AWESOME! you're so AMAZING!" but i guess he IS that stupid, and he DOES think he's that awesome and amazing.

i'm fine being boring old mom, don't get me wrong. like i said, i wouldn't have it any other way. that's why i fought for all of his visits with DD to be supervised, because he's not safe around her alone and could never handle taking care of her. but fuck if it doesn't give me the occasional rage-fest that he seems to live in a fucking fantasy world where owing almost two grand in child support is like "eh, no big!" and buying a doll that's a foot and a half tall is newsworthy and magnificent while meanwhile i can barely buy us food sometimes. i know i need to just suck it up and get used to it because it's not going to change any time soon, that's for sure, but it's so backwards that this is the trap us single moms with FAXes get stuck in. they waltz in sometimes with a bike or a giant doll and get mad credit for being super kickass while we get relegated to unaappreciated hack status.

boring old mom, that's me. fucking bitch, that's me.

wouldn't have it any other way, but it sure is a mindfuck sometimes, isn't it?

ETA: and, of course, i just got back the requisite shocked texts about how dare i chastise him for "doting" on his daughter, and "why don't you get a job like the rest of us", and "i thought you'd be excited about the doll, not that you'd use it for an excuse to gripe about my backlogged bills."

"backlogged bills"?!? our daughter is a "backlogged bill"? yeeeeah, okay. he's always crying "i'm so broke!" yet he rented a beach house a few months ago and took a week off from work. he orders shit online and it gets sent to MY FRIGGING HOUSE because he forgot to change his adress on amazon. he just got some fancy new phone. so who's broke now??? he works three nights a week in a bar. sounds like life is pretty tough, right?

{head explodes}

i don't like being pissed off like this, but sometimes it hits the point where i let stuff roll off my back ("i'm a duck...i'm a duck...i'm a duck...") for so long that a dumbass move like this on his part makes me want to barf with anger. i've got to keep repeating: i can't change this. i can't change HIM. i can only change how i feel, how i respond.

i've got to just laugh at it all, but at this very moment it's tough to.

"and i will feel soooo fucking sorry for you." love it.

and here's the original stinky piece of crap commercial in all it's misogynistic glory:

i alot of the comments about the original commercial because i was curious about what the viewpoints were like. some of them were predictably "meh, you whiny women, it's just a commercial!" but my favorite by far though was "I will, in short, act like a completely reasonable person but I will be a totally whiny little bitch about it." my thoughts EXACTLY!

there was no definite "you're hired" but it went WONDERFULLY. they started off by telling me how impressed they were with my cover letter, and how it was the best one they've ever seen (!) because it really shows my energy and passion for the field and for their organization, and they had been looking forward to meeting me since they saw copies of it a couple weeks ago. i was all blushy and "aw shucks!" because i was so nervous putting together my resume and cover letter that i never would've guessed they'd have liked it that much!

anyway, i learned more about the position (which includes a lot more counselling and care of patients than i even thought it did, yay!), they learned more about me, and the vibe was positive and definitely reassuring that they want me. they were using language at the end like "you'll be doing alot of {blah blah} but we know you'll be great with that" and "you'll be travelling for your training, did marie tell you that during your first interview?" that leads me to believe that in their minds i have the job. it wasn't "you WOULD BE DOING ____ if you got the job", kwim? they'll be in touch next week but gave me numbers to reach them at in case i want to check in, including personal cell numbers, which i assume they don't just give to everyone.

i don't know how many other candidates there are, and actually didn't even realize that it's okay to ask that until a friend told me tonight that it's totally acceptable. honestly, it doesn't even matter how many other candidates there are because i know i'm their girl.

i powered through my raging sinus headache with nary an eye twitch and now that the buzz from the great meeting with them is wearing off i'm starting to sag and feel assy again, but at this point i'm so happy about how well it went today that my sinuses could explode and splatter blood all over the computer screen and it wouldn't even make me stop smiling.

btw, when i got home i noticed there was a thomas the train sticker hanging off my sensible black shoe; it had probably been there during the whole interview but i don't even care. whaddya gonna do, right?

and of course i have the head cold from hell. today is interview #2 at a well-known women's clinic, and this is the job that's been waiting for me since the day i was born, no exaggeration. i started feeling kind of yuk yesterday, scratchy throat and runny nose, and this morning i woke up and BAM-- full-blown head cold, the kind where you're dizzy and your eyes feel like they're swelling shut, and a low fever. frick on a stick!

i know i can get through this and blow their goddamn socks off no matter how crapola i feel but it's making me really nervous that i feel so shitty right now that i can barely stand without getting woozy and i'm having a hard time thinking straight. and sooooo.... i turn to you mamas and ask you to send some vibes and energy in my direction. please please please send me the strength, clarity, and confidence to prove to them that they *need* me working for them, that their organization is incomplete without me.

my original plan was to power through the day and pretend i'm not sick, keep moving so i don't slow down even more, but now i feel so shitty that i'm afraid if i do too much i'll burn myself out and be a mumbling puddle of boogers at the interview, so i'll be on the couch with DD for a couple hours playing it cool until this afternoon when i head in for THE interview... i'm so ecstatic/nervous/dizzy i could whiz on this chair right now; in a good way, of course.

i found out earlier today that an old friend i used to work with hung herself last night. i haven't seen her for a couple years...she's a *wonderful* woman, lively and funny and smart as hell, and i'm heartbroken to think of the pain she must have been in to do this. she leaves behind masses of friends and family who loved her dearly, and her partner and his children who she was a second mother to. there's no rhyme or reason or explantation for it, yet i still struggle to make sense of it.

i can't imagine how difficult this must be for my friends that are incredibly close to her, that spend every day with her at work, every day off with her out somewhere. or how imposible to believe it must be for her family, her partner and his children. i wish i could wrap them up and hold them close and take it all away, but all i can do is send them whatever love and peaceful, healing vibes i can.

any vibes you mamas would like to send their way would be a blessing.

so i just had that phone interview for my *dream* job, and it went wonderfully. we spoke for 45 minutes, and i had no idea how much time had even gone by until we hung up. i feel so strong and confident about this! before she called i sat in the bedroom and did some deep breathing and repeated my mantra over and over: "i want this job. i deserve this job. I AM GOING TO GET THIS JOB." i'm still repeating it now, actually. it feels good to say it and believe it.

she was very impressed with our conversation and is in charge of all the hiring for my state and two other local states, and said she's definitely recommending me for a second interview with two of the hiring managers from local offices. i'll be hearing from them by next week! after this phone interview i'm more excited than ever about this opportunity. this is the chance i've been dying for to get started in women's healthcare, and i know i'm perfect for this job. i'd be doing a little of everything within the clinic, but i'm most excited obviously about working with patients.

anyway, until i hear from the local managers about setting up an interview i'll be repeating my mantra with a smile on my face and strength in my heart.

because i want this job, i deserve this job, and i'm going to get this job.

so my man and i got all our test results yesterday and got the official green light to start rolling condom free, woofrigginghoo! to celebrate, a mama friend that lives next door is going to take my daughter overnight so we can have a "date" night and i can stay at my dude's house, and we went shopping this morning so i could pick out some lingerie...black and fire engine red, fucking HAWT. i never wear nice lingerie, partly because i really don't have any and partly because i'm usually comfy in mama panties and a tank top. i mean, having a kid means i don't have the opportunity to really go nuts and have crazy fun with sex very often; it's not "mmmm, hang on, let me slip into something sexy", it's mostly us on the couch going "okay, i think she's asleep! hurry up, let's do it now before she wakes up and comes out of the bedroom again!" and then making sure that we stay covered with the blanket, and kind of watching the door in case she gets up.

but watch out world, because tonight... miss phoenix is gonna get her GRRRRR on!

ETA: and, oh oh oh, one comment on lingerie shopping... we stopped into victoria's horseshit so i could look at their basic cotton panties (all my undies are a bit, um, snug lately) and they're all out on this giant table, and when i was looking through them trying to find my size a salesgirl came up and said "can i help you?" so i told her i was having trouble finding any size large, and she looked at me like i'm a moron and said "oh, we don't put the larger sizes out in the display. those are in the drawers down below." and then walked away.

ohhhhhh, i see. because anything larger than a medium on display would just be like...eww, icky, right? and not for nothing, but they're in the BOTTOM drawer of this thing, on the GROUND, so i had to literally get down on my hands and knees in the store to find my "larger sized" underwear.

fuck them.

so i found out there was a job opening at a local women's clinic while i was there for my annual exam a couple weeks ago and dropped off my resume last week. the receptionist who had told me about the position told me there was no education or experience required, which i was psyched about because i don't have any college experience or education other than my certification as a Licensed Nurse's Assistant. anyway, i got an email this morning from the HR director asking if i would like to meet her for an interview tomorrow, and she specifically mentioned that she had attatched the job requirements and qualifications in a separate file. when i looked them over i found that the position actually requires a bachelor's in science and a year of experience in the field, so i responded to her email with a polite reply that said although i was still majorly interested in the position i know i'm way underqualified and didn't want to waste her time meeting me for an interview knowing that i'm not what they're looking for, but to let me know if something else opens up that i'd be right for.

i forwarded both emails to my best friends, who are both career professionals and have been coaching me through my job search because i'm way overwhelmed looking for jobs outside nannying and waitressing, which is all i've ever done before. they both wrote back freaking out and telling me i fucked up, and that since she had my resume she wouldn't have invited me for an interview unless she was interested in me for the job, even though i'm super underqualified, and that i should have just gone for the interview anyway. they said people do it all the time, go for jobs they aren't qualified for, and i sold myself short and told her "no, don't hire me".

now i'm super distressed and confused, too. i mean, if she specifcally sent me those qualifications she must have wanted me to READ them and be honest about whether i'm actually qualified, right?

this blows. i'm a mess right now, can't stop crying. i want that job so so badly, and i fucked it up. i feel so helpless about this stuff; working in restaurants my whole life has given me ZERO preparation for job hunting outside that field. i've had to have my friends walk me through my resume and cover letter step by step because i'm cluless, and i feel like a moron.

i'm so frustrated that i gave up a chance at an interview for this job. is this really what looking for jobs is about, lying about your qualifications to get your foot in the door and then scamming for a job even though you're super underqualified?! why didn't someone tell me that?! yeah, i should have known that. bah.

this blows.

ETA: okay, so i left her a voicemail earlier telling apologizing for my earlier email and told her i'd still like the chance to meet with her tomorrow if possible; she emailed me again a little while ago, said she was so happy to get my message, and can't meet with tomorrow and will be out of town next week but wants to do a phone interview next week!! woo! it's definitely not as good as meeting face-to-face but i'm so psyched. a friend that does hiring for healthcare positions is going to practice with me this weekend and go over some typical stuff that she'll ask me.

i'm nervous but so frigging relieved that i made up for the stupid "nah dont hire me i'm underqualified" email i sent her. i'm still smacking my head and saying D'OH for that one, but you live, you learn. i'll neve turn down a fucking interview again, that's for damn sure!

wish me luck, mamas! i need all the vibes i can get!

I just saw this on teh Facebook in regards to Scott Brown's senate win in Massachusetts:

"The first shot of the New American Revolution was fired tonight by the voting majority of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. This is just a small hint of things to come."

Creepy. Like, I actually have frigging goosebumps right now. His victory is a shitstorm for women's rights and civil liberties. Not good.

And seriously, what more proof do we need that the two-party political system is failing us than the hullaballoo of this election?! If ONE senate seat out of A HUNDRED is really such a game-changer for the country then obviously SHIT HAS GONE COMPLETELY WRONG, PEOPLE. We have two parties working against each other and a nation that has a hard time seeing anything beyond Blue and Red, because that's all we're given. The two-party system may have worked two hundred years ago but it's bunk now. It's gasping and clutching it's chest, if not already dead.

So how can we make people understand this? How can we affect some ACTUAL change into our government? What does it take to realize that if something's broken it needs to be fixed, and NOW?

Sorry for the rant, I'm just so frustrated. The more Kennedy's senate seat has turned into The Election That'll Make Or Break The Obama Administration (ie- healthcare reform) the more and more I want to bang my head against the wall.

Bah.

Am I the only one who wonders if the US could maybe be exaggerating the amount of monetary donations to Haiti being made by us? Between 8pm last night and 8am this morning the amount jumped from $5mil in txtd donations to the red cross to $8mil; I'm not saying it's impossible but isn't that an awful lot of overnight donation texting going on?? Plus, the media seems to be very "let's-all-pat-ourselves-on-the-back-because-america-is-sooo-fucking-awesome". Not to underscore everything that people are doing; it's truly *wonderful*. But let's be honest, texting donations to the red cross hardly makes us a nation of saints but that seems to be the angle the US is going for right now, like we're using it to prove to the world that we're more humanitarian than everyone else, that we're not as bad as everyone thinks we are. These thoughts totally depress me, but I can't help but wonder.

I can't be the ONLY one who's thought about this. I mean, padding the numbers to make the nation feel good about itself during a recession and also convince the rest of the world that we're all selfless do-gooders wouldn't be a totally crazy scenario, would it?

this post at The New York Times' parenting blog "Motherlode" (which i just discovered!) is crazy... they raise the question of whether refusing to follow a doctor's orders while pregnant should be a crime, and cite what i see as a horrifying example that sets a very scary precedent: the case of a woman who was literally held prisoner in a hospital after refusing to stay on bedrest while trying to raise two toddlers, AND her requests for transfer to another facility for a second opinion were REFUSED.

thoughts??

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/12/is-refusing-bed-rest-a-cri...

i've been lurky but invisible lately, and i know there's been so much going on with so many mamas here. for one: dragon chic, i never wrote to you a few weeks ago when you had that bombshell dropped on you but i want you to know that i've been thinking about you so much and channelling all the postitive energy i can muster in your direction. it's a tough situation no matter how you slice it but i hope knowing that me and so many other people are 110% behind you helps takes a bit of the pain away; your feelings are *yours* and you don't have to ever apologize for them, but i know that you know that. i hope the new year brings blessings and love and happiness to you and all your loved ones.

there's been alot on my mind this weekend and i thought i'd do a little update to get some of it out. first of all, grandma phoenix passed away on friday night. she was THE original Phoenix Woman, rising from the ashes repeatedly throughout her life and lending her strength to everyone whose path she crossed. she just turned 94 last tuesday and lived a long and rich life, but losing her hurts tremendously nonetheless. i console myself with the understanding that she died under the best circumstances possible: in her own home, peacefully and quietly. she never would have been happy had she lived long enough to end up in a nursing home, and so insisted on continuing to live on her own even after being hit by a car in 2008 left her unable to walk for months; doctors told her that she would probably never walk again but you know what? she did, 9 months later. slowly but surely she gathered her strength and resolve and went from baby steps with a walker to being able to go up and down the stairs in her condo unassisted! utterly amazing. she died quietly on friday evening in her comfy chair while watching television, and her home care nurse went in saturday morning and found her like that. the nurse said she looked at peace, which means the world to me. she donated her body to Yale medical school so there won't be any burial or cremation; she also doesn't want a funeral service so instead our family is planning to hold a memorial event in her hometown next month. she has a million friends and is the matriarch of our family, and getting everyone who loves her together to celebrate her life will be amazing.

she was a hell of a woman and if i could live to accomplish even half of what she did in her lifetime i would be lucky indeed.

i had my annual exam recently at planned parenthood, AND brought the new phoenix man with me so we could both get STD tests and start rolling condom-free. this began as a casual hook-up in october and quickly evolved into a holy-shit-we-are-completely-crazy-about-each-other tumble of falling for each other. i adore this man, and he adores me...and my daughter. he loves me for *everything* that i am, and it came out of nowhere! in the beginning we were uncommited but within a few weeks decided we didn't want anything but each other and so monogamy it is, and happily. i cannot WAIT to get the results and make love to this man without the hindrance of a rubber liner separating us...i'm giddy just thinking about it. clearly i'm in a mushy mood right now; i'm calling it "making love" and not "fucking".

mamas, here it is, the bottom line: i am in love, for the first time. i am more at home with this person than i ever have been anywhere in my life. it's so simple between us, and it brings a glow to my life that i see in everything i do now. we are truly blessed to have found each other.

the only bummer about the doctor visit was the stark reminder that the bad pap smear i had last year and my inability to pay to have a biopsy done means i could be putting my health at risk. it's a shitty situation; being uninsured, i'd have to pay at least $500 for the colposcopy, even with their sliding scale fee reduction. i've been faintly aware for the last year that not having this test means risking my health but yesterday it was put to me in no uncertain terms: before my exam begin i had to sign a release stating that i fully understand that the risks of not having the test done are.... cancer and death. seeing those words on the page gave me a little startle, but i'm staying optimistic. the good news is that phoenix man helped pay for my tests and exam yesterday, so we opted for an (reasonably inexpensive) HPV subtyping test. it'll tell us exactly which strain it is that's causing the abnormal pap results, and if it's a high-risk strain that typically results in cervical cancer planned parenthood will refer me to a *free* breast and cervical cancer clinic in new england. hopefully it won't come to that, obviously; i'm expecting to get a call soon saying that the results show an extremely low-risk strain and that the colposcopy isn't even necessary, and i'll be able to officially put it out of my mind. knowing, though, that there's already a "plan" in place in case things dont look great is reassuring.

AAAAAAND {drumroll please!}...while i was at planned parenthood chatting with the receptionist about how much i love, love, love the organization she told me there had been an inter-office memo released the day before announcing an opening in that office. she said it hadnt been advertised to the public yet and if i dropped off my resume and cover letter ASAP i'd have a huge advantage. i am giddy with excitement over this new opportunity; working there would be, quite literally, my *dream job*. they'll train me on-site and i'd be doing a combo of office work and work with patients. i'm drooling at the thought; this must be why i havent been able to find a job for months, because the PERFECT job was waiting for me in the new year! i WILL get this job. i deserve it.

more fun news: a close friend and her man got engaged on new year's day, and she's asked me to be a bridesmaid and my daughter to be her ringbearer! they'll be married in august at her parents' lovely home on a local lake, and i can't wait for it to be here. we celebrated with an engagement party on saturday night and although i was feeling the pain of losing grandma it was so nice to spend the night in good company and celebrate the excitement of my friends beginning a life together. phoenix man, DD, and i stayed for the night after the party at another friend's house and they have an adorable pup maggie the super-pooch who was a huge fan of my first official sewing project with the babylock my mum got me for christmas:

maggie snuggled up with it pretty much all night, it was a riot.

i'd had a shitty day on wednesday, but also had my first (FREE!) sewing class that night, so after DD went to bed i channelled all my pissy energy into an appliqued FUCK pillow. perfect, right?! i need more practice with applique-- damn those curves are tricky!-- but it was so much fun to do and i laugh every time i look at that pillow. i stuffed it with a bunch of scrap yarn and i'm going to make more of them because i've gotten a ton of requests for them. interestingly, most of the requests have been for a DOUCHE pillow. DD asked what the FUCK pillow says and i told her "love". she looked puzzled and said "but 'love' is an 'L' word..." and quick thinker that i am i told her that it's actually french for love. i crack myself up. not that she hasnt been introed to the eff word before (we're what i like to refer to as a "language friendly" household) but obviously telling her it says FUCK is just an invite for her to start telling strangers at the grocery store all about it.

anyway, i think that's the gist of what's been filling my head up lately. death, life, love, new opportunities, and my health. i'm feeling strong and optimistic about all of it, and grieving for the end of one life has made me feel blessed and amazed by everything that life has to offer for *all* of us. i hope the new year brings much happiness and blessings aplenty to all of you and your families; hold on to every moment and opportunity and love freely, mamas! xoxo

“Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix."

ETA: boooo! i forgot that photobucket is ubersensitive and doesn't like "bad words", so they deleted my pic, which is of maggie the super-pooch snuggling with the FUCK pillow i made..i'll post it as an attatchment in case you want to check it out!

so the other day i was in the bathroom TRYING to take five minutes to poop and brush my teeth and DD (age 3 for those who don't know) was pulling a nutty in the hallway, banging toys on the door and screaming "I JUST NEEDA COME INNNNN!" i finally got frustrated and said "FUCKSAKE, i've been in here for 90 seconds! I'LL BE RIGHT OUT!"

and today i was calling her from the kitchen, like 5 times, and i finally said "HELLO?! ARE YOU THERE?" and sho 'nuff i heard from the living room: "FUCKSAKE, I'LL BE RIGHT OUT!"

obviously.

when i saw your video post i absolutely had to post this; it's a spoof on the "single ladies" song and video and it's pretty freaking funny. it's awesome how quickly it gained an audience; when i first saw it last week it had 900 views and now it has almost 80,000...good for those mamas!

so my mum ended up getting me a $180 Baby Lock sewing machine from the local sew n vac that that's supposed to be the best in it's price range and is great for beginners; it has a front loading bobbin which i was nervous about at first but i got the hang of it right away after messing around with the store model.

the best part? lessons at this store are usually $50 per 2 hour class, but purchasing a machine through them means i get FREE LIFETIME LESSONS! i'm so fucking excited it's ridiculous. they have about thirty different types of classes for all skill levels that cover *everything* i'd ever want to do, and they're offered constantly all week long. if i could get in there once a week i'd be the happiest mama in the world, seriously.

stay tuned for all my dorky "look what i made!" posts coming up soon.

ps- i appreciate all the advice you guys gave! i know i did pretty much the exact opposite of the advice but when we weighed our options it made alot of sense to get this cheap-ish new beginner machine, basically because of the great warranty and the free lessons. the store we got it at does trade-ins so down the road i could upgrade if i decide i need something more heavy duty. aaanyway, thanks for the all the advice!

super excited 'cause my mum's going to get me one for christmas and we're trying to figure out what would be a good basic, inexpensive starter machine for me. so sewing mamas, lemme have it! whaddya think??

i can feel it right now buzzing up my arms and up through my neck, the freefall of feeling truly relaxed and in the moment. i don't slow down and have these moments very often, and it feels wonderful! i'm so at ease right now and although i have no idea what brought it on i know that i LIKE it, so i'm thinkin' this is the perfect time for some grats, right?

1) some free time tonight for a few hours while DD is visiting her dad at grandma's house! it's officially "free" time because i'm using it to do nothing but chill the hell out and ENJOY myself. so often i have so many things i want to do with my free time that it stops me from truly enjoying it. not today!
2) i'm rediscovering my love for imogen heap and frou frou, and i can't believe how much i love the album "details". there's nothing like being home alone and blasting "hear me out" at full volume to make me feel like i'm floating on a cloud (even though, technically, it's kind of a sad song)
3) homemade veggie chili! extra spicy, and with extra onions. i wouldn't have it any other way.
4) having some extra $$ to buy a twelve pack of Sam Adams winter lager is huge...i love winter beer! (especially with a bowl of spicy chili!)
5) there's a job fair friday at the school where i got my LNA license and i'm feeling really good about it; this is the jumping off point i've needed and now that it's here i know this is truly *it*. once i'm working i can get back into school; great things are about to happen!
6) i'm falling for someone, big time. i'm not used to this and it totally freaks me out sometimes but right this moment it feels wonderful....we're crazy about each other and he's kickass. he seems to know exactly what i need without me spelling it out for him, which puts me so at ease. he lets me pretend this is "nothing serious" even though we both know that's not the case, and i love that he's so laid back and lets me be my crazy self and even LIKES ME for being my crazy self.
7) i'm knitting up a storm in preparation for christmas, as my goal is for all my gifts this year to be handmade (except DD's, because santa's bringing her more than a scarf!). it feels SO good to be creating.
8 ) uh....cock rings. i've never been with a guy who's used one before but the guy says he'd like to try it so i got us one that has the vibrating thingy on top that'll hit my sweet spot while we're doin' it. it's "our" xmas gift to myself and i can't wait to try it out. i love sleeping with someone who's totally open to trying new things and will pretty much try anything i suggest!
9) we had a wonderful weekend, went ice skating in the city and then that night we had our first snowfall! DD dropped down and made a snow angel in the driveway at 10pm as we were getting home from boston, and the pure joy on her little face was lovely. we played in the snow the next morning with the other kids in our building and then had hot chocolate; winter is here and although it's been a shock to the system (seeing as it was SEVENTY DEGREES on friday) there's something very cozy and romantic about the beginning of winter. remind of this post in six weeks when i'm bitching about how down the cold and snow has me
10) i'm working on starting my etsy shop and i'm pretty fucking excited about it. i hope to have it up and running by the new year, i'll post something here once it's ready for some browsin'! special thanks to bleu for being my etsy guru (and first fan, haha)--you may be thinking "but i've barely done anything!" but you just wait, doll...i'll be emailing you every 30 seconds soon for all the inside info. <3 you, mama!

i don't want to brag but....nah, fuck it, i DO want to brag. i totally got laid again the other night; we screwed silly and it was WON-DER-FUL. i got off four (4!) times, mostly because i'm so not used being naked with another person, having someone touching me, that i'm pretty sure i nearly died on the spot. this dude and i, we have some major chemistry. we can't keep our hands off each other which is fine with me after the 9 month dry spell i've had. so what about you sexxy mamas?! seen any fantastic action lately?

the funny thing about this guy is that it was kind of an "arranged" hookup (he asked friends about me, i asked about him without knowing that, we all laughed about it, then we made it clear to each other that we're not looking for anything beyond friendship and fucking) but now we find ourselves having some weird ooky feelings for each other. we really connect in a comfortable, open way that i havent with anyone before, or at least not for a really long time. we're totally open about it, have admitted that we're a little crazy about each other but aren't looking to turn this into something more (yet, anyway) because we both have a habit of rushing into things and then getting bored with people way fast. he sees other people, which is fine with me because it's a good way of ensuring that things stay cool for now. he told me that he'll stop seeing them if i asked him to, because he really likes me and doesnt want to push me away because he dates other people. i was like "eh, nah. i'm not going to tell you what to do." and if somewhere down the road i find myself wanting a monogomous relationship (gah, the fucking R word!) with him we can talk about it then. this might sound weird, but if he's going to stop seeing other people i'd rather have it be on his own terms anyway, not because i "told" him to.

sooooo, there it is. i'm seeing someone, albeit casually, and we're fucking like sweaty little monkeys, and i love it. this is exactly what i need right now, and it makes me happy. like, really REALLY happy.

A COPY OF AN EMERGENCY EMAIL I RECEIVED FROM PLANNED PARENTHOOD:

Right now, Congress is considering an amendment to the health care reform bill that will eliminate choice for millions of women.

Call your representative now and ask him or her to oppose the Stupak amendment!

Dear Miss Phoenix,

I'm writing to you with an urgent request.

Late yesterday, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops met with leaders in the House of Representatives in their bid to eliminate women's access to abortion care under health care reform.

We have just received news that their efforts are working, and Representative Bart Stupak has introduced an amendment to the health care reform bill that will result in women losing health care coverage for abortion.

We urgently need you, and your friends and family, to call your representative. Call Paul Hodes, at (202) 225-5206 and ask him or her to reject the Stupak amendment that will remove abortion coverage from health care reform. After you call, just reply to this message and let us know how it went.

If the bishops and their anti-choice partners in the House succeed, they'll permanently alter health care in America, even taking away benefits from women that they have today. The bishops want to effectively eliminate abortion coverage in both private plans and the public option. We simply cannot stand for such a discriminatory, mean-spirited attack on women.

It's a chilling ultimatum: eliminate choice for millions of women, or the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops will do all they can to kill health care reform. This is a true crisis for American women, and we need you to act now.

Call your representative at (202) 225-5206 and tell him or her to reject this attack on women's health — and then forward this message to your friends, your family, everyone you know and ask them to do the same (and don't forget to post the news to Facebook, Twitter — everywhere).

We need you now, more than ever. Thank you for standing strong with us in the face of this vicious last-minute attack on women. We will keep you posted on what's next.

Sincerely,

Cecile Richards, President
Planned Parenthood Federation of America

* * *

For more information about exactly what the Stupak Amendment entails, planned parenthood's press release is really informative:

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/about-us/newsroom/press-releases/planne...

I made the call, and I was assured that the representative from my state (Paul Hodes, Dem) will be voting in opposition to this amendment, and he will be responding to my concern with either a phone call or a written letter after the vote. If this is something that matters to you mamas then make a call NOW: this amendment would strongly limit (even kill) choice for women, especially poor women. Here's a link where you can click on your state and get a number where you can make a call right now to voice your strong opposition: http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/