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Both my dad and my stepmom (who's really my mom in every sense and I shall refer to her as such for the remainder of this entry) are recovering alcoholics. My dad quit when I was 8, so that's 23 years sober I believe? My mom has 15 years of sobriety. I'm very proud of both of them. Now, I live about 400 miles away from my folks, mostly because I have joint custody of my kid and can't leave this city without a huge court battle, but also because there is no city big enough for me near where they live even if I wanted to move. They are always telling me that they wish I lived closer so they could see me more. They want to see their grandson more. They are unhappy with my proximity.

But they've been here to visit me twice in 13 years. Once when I married my first husband, and again when I married my current husband.

When we go up there to visit, despite how they tell me on the phone that they want to see us more, they tell us that they can't make any plans to spend time with us for the weekend we're coming because they don't know what will be going on in their lives at the time. Sometimes they make comments, trying to sound sarcastic and joking, that we expect them to drop everything for us when we visit. But we only get a chance to visit two or three times a year.

They did not come to visit when my son was born.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my mom. I asked her what the chances were of them coming to visit when Charlotte's born (Charlotte's my little pumpkin in the oven). She said she didn't know, that she and my dad both work and they don't know if they can take off and drive down at that short of notice. She said it was too far into the future and they couldn't make plans because they don't know what they will have going on.

Did I mention they also did not come to visit when my son was born?

They will probably not see my daughter until Thanksgiving, or possibly Christmas. She'll be about three months old at Christmas. You can bet they will make us feel guilty for living so far away.

Is this strange? I love my family very, very much. I've always felt like we were close and family is incredibly important to me. But it seems strange to me that they don't value the births of their grandchildren enough to come visit, or even the lives of their daughter enough to visit more than twice in 13 years. I'm in Kansas City to stay, it looks like, no matter how anyone feels about it. Is this alcoholic behavior? Is there something about projecting guilt off of them and on to others? I feel like since I'm the one that moved away that I'm on the fringes compared to the attention my siblings get from them. I just wish I could rationalize what they are thinking.

Anyone else in this boat?

Hi mamas... I have been a lurker lately for lots of reasons not important to this post. However, one of the things that I have been working hard on is to get my body back in shape... and I'm ready to talk about it with someone and I don't really want to talk about it with IRL friends, so I figured it was time to post...

An old neighbor of mine moved away from our town, leaving her son and husband. No custody battle, she didn't want to take her eight year old with her.
And the midwife we were seeing (before my pregnancy turned crazy and high risk) moved away, leaving her daughter (I am not sure how old she is - in the eight to twelve range).
I know they both had reasons, I know I don't know all of them, but it's two more women that I know personally who have left their kids with no plans to do more than visit them occasionally and I can't stop thinking about it. It freaks me out. No, I don't freak out when men leave their families (in the same way at least), and yes, it seems somehow different to me. And being a mother, I just don't get it.
So I am not sure why i am posting about this, other than I can't seem to get it out of my head. I mentioned it to one friend and she pointed out that the son and dad were kind of awful. I guess it freaks me out because while I chose to become a parent (or to try to) I don't consider it optional at this point. I can't imagine doing that (unless I was being abusive and couldn't stop and it seemed like the only way to save my child or something).

i had a nice break. missed ya'll! but it was nice to prove to myself that i can live without my internet addiction. and now, the addiction is back on... but it is easier to close the laptop up during the day (on most days). today, it was rainy outside so we stayed inside. instead of cutting and pasting over here, i hope ya'll don't mind if i send you to my other blog to check out the beautiful bread we made today!

http://mindfullymotheringtwo.wordpress.com/

later ladies! mucho love, michelle

I'm still scared but I think it is going to be ok, because this pregnancy is definately coming along stronger than the other one. With the other one the symptoms totally petered out at about seven weeks just after we had the first ultrasound, and they were never as bad as this one. With this one we'll have the first ultrasound at eight weeks so they really should be able to see it. It's going to be there, it's really gotta be there, or I'm gonna lose my mind.

so much to say. life is swirling around me. it is infinitely difficult to hold myself together, much less, to make steps to move forward independently.

i am looking into finding a place of my own.
i have an opportunity for a nice house share with other girl-friends. i think i have realized though that i am not in a place to share a home. i want so much to provide a sense of security and stability for my daughters. i want to feel in control in a space that is mine. i dont feel ready to confront to regular issues of sharing a home. AND... i really want to find a place in a neighborhood that is more safe. there are too many places with SKETCHY neighbors, i dont want that for my girls.
so ... my own place and setting up the future of the property that we own so as to not destroy my credit. HE is moving back to our property when i move out but i am not confident that he can manage the responsibilities.

i am trying so hard to break the emotional ties. this is so very hard. i broke down sobbing when a song came on this morning. it was one of his favorite songs. it seemed to illuminate him so clearly. i sobbed for knowing that. for hearing his soul in a song and wishing this were different.

there is such a great chasm ahead.
uhhgggg

this comes to me from a green party member who hardly ever emails me. i'm not clear on the details, but the gist is that the fantastic former presidential candidate, former congresswoman, and the woman featured in (and possibly responsible for) the documentary "american blackout" about the supression of the black vote in the 00 and 04 elections was aboard a boat bringing food and humanitiarian supplies to gaza. the boat was captured, and McKinney is being held by the Israeli military, with 20 other prisoners.

i'm going to post this here, they're saying we should tell our elected officials to secure their release.

here is the story

this isn't the first time she has gone to gaza with medicine and food, nor is it the first time the israeli military has fucked with her.

if you're unfamiliar with who we're talking about, here is cynthia mckinney making donald rumsfeld stutter in a hearing:

and if you haven't seen "american blackout," do so. it's available at their web site for free, or you can n*tflix it.

So,I sent a note to my eldest on FAcebook, I tell him about this fancy bit of technology where you can key in a number and low and behold this code connects you with a person, in this case, his mother. I hope he calls soon. It's been three days. He is seventeen, and claims self-reliance, but he is so not. He has been rocketing into adulthood, will all the fun and none of the responsiblities. Try as I might to recall my own dizzy days of 17, it is difficult to be his mom and not pull out all my hair sometimes. And he is my first. I have three more to go. I have 15 more years ahead of me being a parent of teens... non-stop. I will survive... anyone remember that song?

enough of my rant... back my garden... at least I know where that is.
luna

Seems a little slow on here, and I don't know how to talk about this with anyone, so here goes. We had a little bounce money so this last month I let dp be and wasn't overseeing his every move with money. There were a few expectations, like that he would buy his plane ticket for next month that many people have planned and arranged schedules for. Well, surprise, he completely overdrew his account, and didn't get the ticket, and had nothing to contribute towards an event I assumed he would participate financially for--nevermind the major household bills due in a couple days.
It's not that he blew it frivolously, just irresponsibly. And then he didn't come clean to me. And then he made me the bitch. And then he lied to me. And it's on me to clean up. And I will, but I'm just so hurt.
This morning--after several days of this being a topic of loud discussion--I asked if he wanted me to put money in his account. He had told me he had deposited $300 and needed $75 put in to cover the o/d. So I rush my breakfast and go in to the bank with him and ask how much he's overdrawn. $386. He stammers out that what! He put $300 in the other day. Maybe it just hasn't shown up yet? No, it would've, right away. We're standing there, in the bank, him holding our daughter and studying hard the printout of his account, like that's gonna save him, and the teller and me just looking at him. It was humiliating. I went to work and in our evening conversation he has fessed up and apologized, blah blah blah...I think I'm a little in shock. What am I even supposed to do with that? How can I deal with this in a relationship? Thoughts?

Second week of Prometrium is taking it's toll and it's only Monday. Even with all my Bipolar meds, the breakthru depression is killing me. And DH. Part of me thinks that this would be my PMS week anyway and if I'm not pregnant then I'm just subjecting myself and everyone around me to a double whammy of hormones. (Sorry if I've splattered any on you, I've been letting it fly on average of every 2 hours.)

But another part of me thinks that this is what we signed up for, this is why I'm using my time on disability to do something I wouldn't be able to handle if I was working full time. Mostly though, I just want to throw myself a big pity party. It goes like this: I wish I had a paying writing gig instead of letting my creative juices rot / Why bother developing my own projects when they're never good enough to sell / I miss my mother even though I haven't talked to her since the wedding which she made every effort to ruin as is her sick borderline way / Why do I have to sacrifice my sanity to make a baby when I've already lost three angels / Etc.

I think I'm going to stop the Prometrium tomorrow if there is no improvement. Home test on July 4th, blood test on July 5th. If I had to narrow down all the noise of my bipolar over-thinking, it would be that I have so much hope in my heart that every baby I've lost has nearly killed me and I pray that each cycle of fertility treatment doesn't go the same.

At least I am blessed with the fur babies who are literally licking away my tears as I write this.

i'm looking for something new to listen to and am hoping you mamas can give me some good suggestions. i'm a big fan of "this american life" and all the NPR 'casts and although i wouldn't mind something independent and feminist i'm up for *anything*. soooo, gimme your faves so i can check 'em out!

Yes I know it has been awhile. But truthfully after so long with one format and then switching to this it was kind of hard on my eyes.
Anyways, I am content in life. I think for once I have learned to be completely in the now. I am in this moment, in this day, and living it like it should be lived. Yup I have goals for my family of course, but know in order for those to be achieved you must be present in everyday life as well. The days fly by this way I must say. Before you know it it is 8 oclock and time for bed. Boredom is very irrelevant and if you are enjoying yourself like life is intended then you will be entertained with what you have. I think another definition is surrendering your whole being. If you think and feel that you are calm and happy the rest should fall into place. This time in our journey of motherhood is so so short in the realm of our lives. I am constantly reminded to soak up our children's lives and to accept and love what they give to us as people. Have a wonderful day fellow hipmamas. See you soon rythumsmama and ascederleaf. We will be there, just not camping in the same spot.

What kinds of snacks do you all keep around for your partner? I'm so sick of the whining, "there's no food in the house!" when I've got a half full pantry and a fridge full of possibilities. So to dh baby carrots dipped in almond butter, or baked spinach nuggets do not make a good snack. Some things that he likes: ritz crackers with Cheeze Whiz, string cheese, jalapeno poppers, cashews. Think of this as a challenge to come up with snacks for a large toddler, lol. Are there any appetizers, think classic American, not necessarily healthy, that I could premake and keep in some refrigerated tupperware? Thanks for your help,

Hey there. I seem to be able to manage one yearly check in, so here it goes.
We're doing well...the days seem to be similar in content, but I guess with three kids that is how it goes. We are enjoying summer, Eleanor is much more of a toddler than a baby and gets in to everything. She is kind of nuts but a good baby. Bigs are up to their hijinx, alternately trying to murderate each other or playing nicely, always enjoying the reading, etc. I am still working for my political office although more sparsely. Now, YOU in a nutshell if you don't mind.

And sorry to just drop in!

I've never really been comfortable feeling angry although it's not uncommon for me to feel angry when I'm stressed out, so it's interesting that I'm so uncomfortable with it. I have some theories, but who the hell knows. It could be because my dad and step-dad were angry, violent men; it could be because I've chosen to have relationships with some angry and occasionally violent men in my adult life and I've come to see most anger as a hurtful, cruel emotion. It could be because oftentimes I feel that my anger is resented and supressed by the people in my life; it could be because oftentimes women aren't allowed to express anger in general, and I'm well aware of that. It could be because I've just never learned how to constructively express myself when I'm feeling pissed off and fucking frustrated; I tend to turn it inward and let it boil for awhile until I break down in furious tears or become physically ill, neither outcome being helpful really to the whole point of being angry, which I've come to realize is just a way of letting us know that something is very, very wrong. Discontent and frustration become a fiery hot furnace of irrational outburst when allowed to fester, and that's never really a good thing. If I could somehow learn to use my anger as a set of directions to get to what I need and what I'm lacking, I think it could be a wonderful thing.

But seeing as I'm not quite there yet let's be honest, shall we?

I would like to smash a series of breakables in the road right now. I would like to throw red paint all over the place and then roll around in it. I would like to scream and kick and cry and then curl up and sleep and have dreams about dropping huge stones off a cliff and watching them grow tinier and tinier until they slam into the ocean and send up flying bullets of water. I'd like to have someone show me the right way to weild an axe so I could chop logs for a few days until I have a mountain of firewood I could burn in a campfire while tossing dishes against an old stone wall. I would like to bellow and howl so loudly that the whole world hears and pauses for a moment before carrying on.

There are many reasons I'm feeling this white-hot rush and I don't even wish to discuss them at this point. I'm mostly just fed up, driven repeatedly into the same dead-ends over and over again. Experience tells me that it'll pass soon though, and I'll begin to feel better. The anger will either dissolve into some passionate momentum that will push me toward a new beginning, or it will exhaust me into a hibernating period where I'll figure out exactly what I need, want, crave, and then I'll quietly begin to make plans for my rebirth. I'll push forward somehow, whether it's with a bang or with a whimper. And in the meantime I'll try to learn how to live with this anger, how to accept it and love it and nurture it and help it grow into something new, something good. Somehow, I'll accept it and it'll find it's place in my heart as fuel rather than dead weight.

And I'll look back and be grateful.

Anyone out here in Hipmamaland remember me? Eh? Eh?

So much shit has gone down since my last update.. Lot's and lot's and lot's of therapy with the ex. Who isn't an ex any longer. We put the brakes on the divorce. Continued to live out unorthodox lifestyle with the support of our SO's we've made great strides in our relationship. The kids are doing so great.. Xan is 5 now.. (gulp) and Mal is about the turn 3.. How time flies. It's been a year of growth for everyone in my household, for me the most I think.

After much independent therapy outside of our couples therapy, I've come to terms with the fact that I am, indeed gay. I however was lucky enough to find two men, whom I found to be emotionally compatible with me, who also let me have relationships outside of ours.. As they do also. (Yeah I'm a weirdo for all you newer mama's who haven't known me for the 5+ years I've been on here) They're dealing with this pretty well. They're concerned of course. But I have no intentions of leaving them for a woman, if I find a woman, she'll just have to understand the way things work in my family, albeit large and unconventional. I love all of them so very much. All the kids, my men, their secondary partners. I lack for nothing, at the moment except learning to make myself happy. I'm still learning to put myself first sometimes, instead of thinking of everyone else first. So to all the old timers, I missed you all so so so so much and am looking forward to catching up.. To all the mama's I've yet to meet. I cannot wait to get to know you and your families!

Much loves!!

Portlandmama

We`ve got the ew appartment! Well. it is not the one looked at at first hand ut it is even better. So thank you all or vibing us!

Been resting and healing from my colposcopy. I mean, of course I had to go right back to work the day after, because my life kinda sucks in that way, but I actually backed out of a show last night because I was just too tired. I probably could have not worked on Thurs and Fri, but I need the money, well whatever. And I was reading a section of "Women Who Run with the Wolves" yesterday, and I got to thinking about how willing I have been to toss aside everything I've worked for on the hopes of having a companion. It's like, the minute I meet a guy, I'm thinking about how I'm going to change myself so that I will be the person he wants me to be. This is ingrained in us as women, as surely as the boys are taught not to feel their emotions (thanks to Madame Filth for that earlier discussion). Here's a link to another blogger's thoughts about this story: http://www.3thirds.com/wolves.html (scroll down a bit to find this particular story). So, I'm looking around my house today, seeing it not from the eyes of what needs to be changed to make a guy like me more (my dog is wagging his tail in his sleep as I write this part, LOL), but from the point of view that this house represents a certain kind of accomplishment, a certain expression of my creativity--and the collective creativity of my daughters and me. And I can see a couple of things: a) I can see how keeping it kinda cluttered and unfinished creates a situation where I always have an excuse (must clean and straighten up) not to do the things I really like, and b) it only really looks cluttered and unfinished to ME. Anyone else walking in my house doesn't see how I'm just on the verge of straightening up that stack of records, they see the records as they are. And anyone who comes and passes judgement on my house, like passing judgement on my life is neither seeing my house the way it is, nor seeing it the way I want it to be. And I have been very quick to try to change my house or myself to suit someone else's tastes, when, if they can't see the house the way it is, and they can't see what I'm trying to do in the house, then they don't get my personal aesthetic, anyway.
So, armed with this glimmer of information, I'm looking at my house no longer in terms of what other people might find appealing, but what I like, and what will be most conducive to creative output.
That's the house.
I'm also looking at my creative output. I have been unhappy with it for a while, but I have not been sure why. I'm still not sure, but I think it might be because, once again, I've been trying too hard to make something that I imagine someone else might like. Been a little too reliant on gimmick or schtick, rather than taking the idea all the way to the end, I've been willing to stop and throw something silly at it to make it easier and more palatable.
Oh, I mean, I know it, I know when I'm on the thread of creativity that's going to make something really interesting and a full expression of an idea, because I find myself straightening up a cluttered desk that I never really use. Instead of doing a creation that satisfies my soul.
Hmmm. Just thoughts.

on monday you will be two years old (TWO WHOLE YEARS!)
I remember so clearly things that you will NEVER be aware of...the assumption that one week of binge drinking equated 4 weeks of sickness - turning down coke at a party because I was feeling nauseous...
Being locked in the bathroom by a loving and concerned friend (who just married the boy I thought I was falling in love with while dating while pregnant with you - life is weirder than you know *yet*) who wouldn't let me out until I peed on the stick (happy face=pregnant and sad=no - how ironic and presumptious)
long conversation about 'options' with said friend
your 'dad' deciding 'wolf spider' was a good name (hey - wolf would fit this boy!)
struggling to survive telling so fresh an ex husband I was preggos
coming here for answers
close girlfriends who were astounded at my character for keeping you
the day I decided I couldn't - and then less than 24 hours later deciding I had to (and every day being SO SO SO x infinity glad I made the choice to keep you)
telling your 'dad' that nothing would stop me
enjoying every GOD DAMNED MINUTE of your pregnancy - being fat and sick and tired and happy (after a drawn out split from your sister's dad)
feeling you kick head down at 32 weeks (how's that for timing?)
seeing Kimya Dawson in concert so close to your birth and screaming at punk kids smoking near me....mostly backed up by much bigger than me friend (now married to boy who was my date to show...)
water breaking on my bike...calling friend to meet me for dinner ('shouldn't you call your midwife first?')
eating burritos and ice cream waiting for imminent contractions...
the contractions coming...you coming...the MOST BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING DAY OF MY LIFE: and now for pictures
welcome dear
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1020132.jpg
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1020111.jpg
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1020145.jpg
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1020132.jpg
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1020220.jpg
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/P1030634.jpg
2 year old pictures to follow...

The last month in pictures...
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/Photo_041209_002.jpg
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/Photo_042709_003.jpg
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/Photo_061709_001.jpg
(you can't tell he's wearing a run dmc shirt)
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/Photo_051709_001.jpg
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/Photo_052509_002.jpg
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b358/brainymom/Photo67.jpg
I love you BIG MAN! 3:02 am Friday June 29, 2007 you came in to my life...
THANK YOU

Hey mamas!!!
I posted here a few times what seems like a long time ago, when my five year old was a baby. I just found out I'm pregnant with my third, and I'm still nursing my second! She's eleven months old. This is such a surprise, mamas.
I know people get by on very little with three or more kids, but I just don't see how! I'm a high school dropout, working in childcare, and my DH is a landscaper. Not the fancy kind, the barely over minimum wage kind. I really don't feel like financial reasons are compelling enough reasons for me to get an abortion...cuz we are certain to find a way! right? so I logged onto hipmama after a long hiatus, and thought I would seek the wisdom of mothers who have done it before me. We can do it, right? Any tips? I hope anyone reading this is having a wonderful day/night/life...same goes for your kiddos. Hooray for mamas! Oh, shit. I am so scared.

hey brainymom, if you're out there--ssh, it's still a secret irl! thinking of you and your dude and dudette!

Just returned sunday night from an amazing trip to visit my family in LA and Seattle. I don't want to be here in DC but I'm trying to spend some time relaxing on my day off, enjoying what there is to enjoy, trying to feel safe in our sketchy neighborhood and crossing our fingers that our landlord is not going to tell us that when our lease is up at the end of next month that we have to move from this amazingly cheap apartment. Danger vs Cheapness! today cheapness wins!

... and then of course, i'm waiting. six days to go until day 28. My temps this month look kinda funny, I'm assuming from all the flying, so Im not getting my hopes up. but I do have an ND apt next thursday and will be getting back some hormone test results, which will, if i'm not already pregs, hopefully help get this baby-ball rolling.

and and and... although Baltimore might still be on the table as a place to move for us, GRAZ AUSTRIA, is more likely. I'm totally excited! and it will be a really really big move. Anyone spent time in Austria? Tips for expatting? Shit, I need to learn some German! We would probably move in December or January!

This is our first full cycle of fertility treatment. I did 5 days of Clomid at 100 mg - and lost my short term memory and my ability to drive. (Sorry DH for the dent in your car.) Then my DH gave me a shot of HcG subcutaneously, which didn't hurt at all until a few days afterward when it hurt like a motherf*cker - seriously, with every step I took my belly ached. The shot was mid-schedule of timed intercourse and I felt my left ovary release the one egg the docs at UCLA had seen earlier on the ultrasound. Finally, I'm on Prometrium vaginal suppositories for the two week wait until I get a blood test to see if the knocking-up occurred.

Which means waiting. And more waiting. Still waiting some more. Have I ever mentioned that I am the least patient person on the planet? Well, I am.

We feel like if it happens this cycle, cool, because one egg typically means one baby and that's what we're aiming for. It narrows our chances of conceiving, but we're committed to the above regimen for two more cycles. Then we're gonna see where we are at.

To be honest, I was thinking we were just gonna go with the Clomid. The shot and the progesterone were actually never mentioned to me until we were at the ultrasound and the UCLA docs laid it all out for us. And suddenly I realized, I'm all in. Yes, I am on disability but straight-up I have the bomb insurance that pays for all of the above and if we do get twins, I may consider staying on disability because a bipolar mom with two babies is like lighting a fuse that may not burn out for years. We'll see.

(An aside: I spoke with and am having a 90 minute consultation with the head of UCLA's Neuropsychiatric Women's Clinic and she concurs with the plan for me to stay on psych meds and she herself will be managing them. Awesome.)

We are inviting lots of baby vibes into our home, more always helps.

I watched very good film last night with my husband. 'One Week'. Without going into the details of this wonderfully patriotic Canadian film, it poses the question to the central character and viewers alike, If you knew that all the time you had left was possibly one week... who would you declare your love, where would you go, what would you do?

I asked my husband this. His answer was simple; he'd carry on as he is, except for maybe work. I knew he'd say that. And for me, the answer was easier yet. I am doing it already. Eighteen months ago, the health rug was pulled out from under me and I haven't been to work since, but I have written numerous short stories, articles, and launched into writing my first novel. I love it. Every day I tell my four kids and my hubby how I love them, and I am daily dizzy with pleasure with living in Vancouver near a forest and a beach. Could I possibly be more blessed? Sure, I could have my first collection of short stories published, I could be supported financially to write my novel, and most importantly, I could become well, really well, again. But there is only so much I have control over... Chin up. I say, and carry on.

So I pose the question to other moms and readers out there, what would you do? Because the reality is, we are all on a limited time-line, and that time-limit is usually a mystery... Food for thought.
luna